No friends

I think I'm lonely. First off let me say that my 2 yr old is the light of my life and I love her to pieces. I'm talking about my inner feelings as a woman.  I have a loving man in my life, who for over 6 years has loved me for every mood swing I threw at him.  That's not the kind of lonely I'm talking about.

I am talking about friendships. I guess I thought when I would have a baby that I would be so busy with playdates and hanging out with my friends and their kids, but the reality is we are all so busy with our schedules that I find myself alone alot.

This is something I'm not used to.  My whole life I was very blessed to have lots of friends, any day of the week I could call some people and lunch plans would be made or a night out or a coffee date.  And now I find myself pencilling someone onto my calender for a week or two in advance. With all the therapy appointments for my child to help her be up to speed in development as the other kids, and my one day a week I tried to save for some time with my mum, and working 2 days a week, I don't end up with a lot of extra time for friends.  But I also don't have my phone ringing off the hook either.

I knew my friendships were changing when I first had my baby and that year I was off on maternity leave I can count the few people who called me to say Hi or lets have coffee. I tried to make myself available thinking then others can come see the baby too, but I was saddened that I was alone so much and not many people wanted to come visit me. So alot of self-reflecting came into play and asking myself...were these people really my friends? It was much easier to email back then since having the phone ring all the time would have woken the baby, but I didn't get alot of that either. I could have tried harder myself, but I was so tired from being up all night and days and weeks would go by before I had a moment to think of calling or visiting anyone.  I tried to keep busy with baby & mommy groups and get out there and meet women who were walking down the same life path as me.  And I found some great ladies who I see once in awhile. But I don't know any of them well enough for them to call me, or me to call them.  I didn't have that click that happens when you meet someone and you just are instant best friends. Maybe I give off a bad vibe to people...I have no idea. That's what i'm trying to figure out these days.

Why don't I have friends that hang out with me more than every few months?  I am not writing this so anyone says Oh you're silly I'm your friend.  I know I have a ton of acquaintances, and people on my social network who give me fantastic advise on baby issues and laugh at my status updates.  I mean the friends like I had when I was a bit younger. The ones that know you inside and out and know the real me.  I still have contact with those ladies, not as often as we all want i'm sure.  But that seems to be life.  Life just seems to happen, and days go by and then it's another month and before I know it, 6 months go by and we're still saying Oh we should have coffee!  I don't even know what I want when I write this. It's not like I can ask someone to be my new buddy.  It would have happened by now.  I think I just have to get used to this new phase in life where my life is my child, my man and our happiness as a little family. He is always telling me I'm your friend you don't need anyone else.  But he's a guy who is very shy and likes to be alone. I was always an extrovert and had lots of people around me.  And who knows, maybe even back in those pre-baby days people who I thought was a friend wasn't really. And it's only now that the true ones are shining through.

I guess this is my new lesson i'm trying to figure out. How to like this next phase of life and embrace it. Enjoying the few days here and there when I do get some good friend time.  I can't be the only new mom who feels this way.  And I know as I go through life and put my little girl in dance classes and clubs and sports that I will meet some friends who are going through this same toddler stage I'm in, and I'll meet some great people.  But until then it's definately a different feeling I'm dealing with.

Cake Decorating- Level 1

So this month has been a busy month for this girl!  I signed up for a Wilton basic level 1 cake decorating course. My grandmother used to make wedding cakes so I think part of me thought genetically I MIGHT be good at this. Hahahaha silly me. But I thought if nothing else, it gets me out of the house one night a week to chit chat with some ladies I didn't know, and also to find me another creative outlet.

So week 1 was cookies.  We had to bake sugar cookies to decorate them.  Now anyone who knows me well, knows that me + baking = disaster!  So because of my nerves my fiance offered to bake the cookies for me. What a guy!  He used his mother's recipe and seriously whipped up the most perfectly baked cookies. He's such an amazing guy, he really is a Jack of all trades...including baker!  So I get to class, and they had said to buy the already pre-made icing that they sell, just for week one, so that we wouldn't screw up the recipe and the icing would be  perfect for what we needed that night. They were wrong.  The icing was so incredibly thick, than none of us in the class could pipe the icing out of the bag!  It was ridiculous. Plus the taste of it was just nasty.  I really don't like the taste of shortening...butter or margarine tastes much better in butter cream icing FYI!!  Not to mention that the instructor (at no fault of her own) had so much information to teach us, that we had 20 minutes left in the class to practice and decorate our cookies. So I did do a few cookies, but the rest I did at home. I just did basic star tip designs.  I forgot to take a picture that night, which was ok because I was horrible and was trying to channel my no-longer-with-us Grandmother for advice....didn't work.

Week 2 was a cake.  We had to bake a cake and bring it un-iced.  They had mentioned that if you bake it in a water bath, the cake will rise flat on top, instead of the usual dome on top that you always have to cut off.  So I thought...I've made things in a water bath before...how hard could this be. The cake was done, I pulled it out of the oven and thought hmm, now how do I lift the cake pan out of the boiling water. So in my head I thought tipping the entire thing and slowly draining off some of the boiling water was a great idea.  And the first attempt it was!  I drained off a few cups and thought that should be enough to reach into and grab the cake pan. Nope, still too much water and my oven mitts would get wet.  So I thought, ok I'll drain more water off.  That's when I lost control of my cake pan and it slid to the end where the water was and SPLOOSH into the water it goes. I quickly dropped the whole thing in the sink and grabbed my cake and turned it upside down and watched the water pour out of my cake. Not going to be good.  So I took the cake out of the pan and thought maybe it'll air out all afternoon and dry a bit, and it wont be so bad. So while it was air drying, I thought I better mix up my icing. I read the recipe over twice, grabbed all my ingredients and lined them up so I wouldn't forget a step. Mixed it all up and thought, hmm this looks runny, oh well, it might tighten up in the fridge until I leave for class. I get to class and my friend K beside me had her cake fall apart into 3 chunks, we had a good giggle over our mishaps, but I really thought my cake was ok. So then it was time to ice the cake...first a crumb coat and then the real deal. And my icing was just so runny. So much so that it looked like it was actually separating on the cake after I iced it.  It was looking nasty.  Then I had to draw a picture on it, and it was getting worse and worse.  The instructor kept saying that I had mixed the recipe wrong.  And I was stubborn and kept replying, I did exactly what the page says.  Until I read it again and realized I added 7 tablespoons of water instead of 7 teaspoons of water.  Oops my bad! So it was a soggy, separating mess. I left the class feeling deflated and so unsure of this course, and I guess I was a little reckless driving around corners, because my cake sort of slammed against my carrier case and well...this picture says it all. Oh and when I got home my fiance said he'd eat it, and when he took one bite I thought he was going to throw up, but all he said was Wow this is really moist...almost wet hey. Later he admitted how horrible it was.

So week 3 I think things started getting better. I had figured out how to make icing correctly and we did things that I really enjoyed doing. Pompom flowers, and leaves, shell borders, rosettes, all these fun things that allowed me to use my new tips I bought. We decorated cupcakes this week and I think they turned out pretty good.  It's finally making sense in my head and I am also really enjoying it now too. Thank goodness!



Week 4, the final class. I baked my cake in a  water bath and it was successful thanks to BBQ tongs to grasps the pan and get it out of the water!!  I have now bought these water bands that wrap around my cake to make my life easier. I iced it in orange since Halloween is approaching and made a few more batches of icing in different colours and consistencies for decorating my final project.  We also learned how to make a rose. Not a fancy rose, just a very basic rose.  But it turned out ok.  I could have made my icing a tad bit thicker, but it was ok. It was fun seeing all 7other girls do their cakes. We all did completely different patterns and designs and colours.  But it was great to see other ideas for inspiration. I for sure have to get a decorating book they sell there for more ideas. And I really, really, REALLY need to practice everything I have learned.

So now I have my certificate and I'm feeling better and more confident about doing another cake.  So I have signed up for the Level 2 course starting next week!  It's all about delicate flowers and some fondant work.  I'm super excited to see what else I can do. 

opinions

I am a person who is very much affected by what others say to me, or about me to others. I can't help it, maybe it's my insecurities, who knows.  But when I first started blogging my thoughts, I actually had people say not so nice things about some of my mini stories, and instead of saying, that's fine don't read them if you don't like them.  I deleted them.  I think I deleted 6 stories that I'll never get back, and I can't even remember what they said now.
And that's just it, I write when I am feeling something. And it's not always happiness and butterfly kisses, it's sadness, worry, stress, as well as happiness and love.  I don't really care if anyone reading this "gets" me, I'm not asking to be found by you. This is my personal journey to find myself. And I'll be the first to admit I'm lost! But that's ok too. Motherhood is an exciting yet complex time for me. It's new, and full of ups and downs.  But even through the worst days I have, I never, ever want to go back and change any of it.  I love being a momma.  It's the BEST decision I ever made, and I honestly am ready for another baby. There I said it. I know we need a bigger house, and a maybe a larger car/SUV/mini van, I know we should have that nest egg set up, and I know I should have gone back to school, and my fiance too, oh and I know we probably should have gotten married, and maybe gone on a real holiday somewhere.  But the fact is...I am not getting any younger. I turn 36 in the spring and time is ticking away.  Some girls have babies when they are 40...I say good for them. It's not going to be good for me. My fiance wants another baby as well, our daughter needs a sibling we've decided. And since she turns 3 next summer, sometime next year will be a good year to try for another.
We could wait for all those things I've listed above to happen....but they haven't happened so far, so why are we waiting?  We have a committed happy, loving relationship. We are best friends who really know each other so well, and still like hanging out together!
So even if I have a moment on here where I'm venting my frustration or concerns, it doesn't mean I hate my life or wish i could change it. Sometimes we need to vent and get it out, and move forward.
I love my little family, and I am excited for the future.

Who am I again?

I have been on a quest to find myself again for the past little while. Not that I really feel lost, but kind of like i'm not too sure what my role is anymore. Five years ago I was a worker, loved it. Worked full time, often took extra shifts if asked or switched shifts with people...never a problem. I would go out with friends, and have pub nights with my man.  Movie nights were a must, the actual going out to the movies kind!  Grab a drink and appy somewhere then head over to the show and stuff our faces with popcorn and not even think twice how much we were spending.  Money wasn't just free flowing, but I never cared if the account got low....I could eat cans of soup til payday and not be too upset.

But now I'm a momma. And I work part time, which is enough for me for now. I am so consumed with her and making sure she is fed, bathed, clothed, happy, played with, and educated, that it leaves very little time to myself. My only time for me is between 10pm-midnight, when my partner is in bed, and so is the baby (fingers crossed she won't wake up) And that's it. 2 hours. And it's not like I use those 2 hours wisely, I'm usually so beat I just watch tv or search the internet for craft ideas or anything baby related! (still nothing for ME related) I have so many therapy appointments during the week for my daughter, as well as trying to get in visits to see my mum & dad, (since I work weekends now I dont get to see them anymore) I have to clean, cook meals every night for my family, make sure the laundry is done.  I'm also on a council for babes and mothers sponsored by the hospital. It's a post-natal care program to help ease the transition for new mothers thrown into this crazy world of babies! I volunteer my time in meetings going over ideas to fund raise and getting our name out there for people to know who we are, get new topics for the weekly program we offer to new moms, and just the general run of this program. So I'm a busy girl!

But I just wanted to do something for me.  My partner plays hockey every week so I needed something for MY time.  So I am excited to start my basic cake decorating classes next week!!!  It'll be 2 hours once a week of just me time again. OMG I need this so bad. I am looking for other night time things I might want to try next year as well....if this goes as well as I hope!  Maybe I'll learn Spanish, or to belly dance! who knows...I just know I need to get out. And my evenings are all I have.

I think sometimes I get the impression that people who work full time, think that stay at home moms do nothing all day. Here's what I say...would you ask your child's daycare provider does she sit on her butt all day and facebook? She would be so insulted and have a list as long as her arm of what she does all day with your kids.....so why would it be different for me? I have so many things in a week that I have to get done before my next work weekend comes that some days I just live off lattes. seriously! But my child isn't allowed to watch much tv, we have things to get done...colouring, singing time, story time, making 3 healthy meals everyday, walks, playing with toys, learning with toys and everyday things around the house. Changing, wiping, cleaning, feeding, teaching, more cleaning, more feeding, a well needed nap, the life of a stay at home mother is busy. Plus I try so hard to get time in there for play dates or coffee dates with other kids and moms. Doesn't happen on a weekly basis, there's just no time.  And then there's the running errands for the family. Doctor appt's, dentist, car needs gas, parcel needs to be picked up, grocery shopping, baby items shopping, my man needs new work pants shopping, bills need to be paid, and I wonder why I haven't had time to take her to that playgroup I've been meaning to get her too.

There are not enough hours in the 5 days off I have. But I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a mother more than anything I have ever done. Hopefully one day we will be blessed to add to our family....because I wasn't busy enough already! hahahahaha

My priorities have shifted to the home. And I like my two days away at work it's like down time for me. I get to chat with customers and make them pretty and feel special and then I go home....and see the cheerios all over the carpet and the dishes piled up and I think...ok back to reality, my vacation is over!

Perogy making

So at least once a year we make homemade perogies.  I actually learned from my fiance, his family always made them, so for 6+ years now him and I make them for our family.

So we got organized and made the mashed potatoes and filling and dough while the baby was napping and when she awoke, I took her over to her Nanny's house to play for the afternoon.  That way we could have an assembly line going without a toddler underfoot. 

This time I rolled the dough while he filled them up over the mold. Usually its the other way around, but we like to spice it up a  bit. HAHAHA  Why do I laugh at my own jokes, gosh I'm a  dork!

So we had the tunes cranked as usual and all of a sudden this old song by Anne Murray comes on called "Danny's song" and my fiance starts singing it to me...he says...hey this is our song.  And then I started to cry.  Crying and rolling perogy dough and smiling all at the same time.  It's like I fell in love with him all over again. Something so sweet and spur of the moment just took my breath away. The words to the song are sad but true for us. And probably for many people.  I had heard this song a zillion times, but I never really listened to the lyrics until he sang them to me. And he was right.  The song is us. (except the pregnant part, lol) And I am still smiling.
Here are the lyrics for anyone who wants to know.
I recommend hearing it over reading it. 

"Danny's Song"

People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one



And we've just begun, I think I'm gonna have a son


He will be like you and me, as free as a dove


Conceived in love, the sun is gonna shine above






Chorus


And even though we ain't got money


I'm so in love with ya honey


Everything bring a chain of love


And in the mornin' when I rise


Bring a tear of joy to my eyes


And tell me everything's gonna be all right






Love a guy who holds the world in a paper cup


Drink it up, love him and he'll bring you luck


And if ya find he helps your mind


better take him ho-ome


Yeah 'n' don'tcha live alone


try to earn what lovers own






Chorus

My Birth Story, and this is long!

I will start by saying that this is not for everyone. This is for myself and it's graphic and emotional and raw.  I'm just needing to get this out and move forward. And it'll be a very long story, just an FYI! grab some tissues and a coffee.

I really struggled whether or not to blog this, or just write it on paper and then burn it outside, letting the ashes blow away. I guess I'll make a decision when I get to the end, if I click POST or not. I don't want to come across as ungrateful for the beautiful daughter I have, I think its time to let go of the guilt I've harboured inside me for 2 years now.

July 31st, 2008 at 1:00am I woke up in the night thinking I need to use the bathroom, but then found myself searching for my clock, pen and paper to start keeping track of my contractions....they had begun!!!  I was terrified, but also so excited all at once.  I chose not to wake my fiance, I thought this could take awhile and since he suffers from an inner ear disease and gets vertigo easily,  I let him sleep....he would need it. I remember laying in bed all night dozing in and out waking to another contraction thinking, hmmm not bad it feels like a period cramp but after a few seconds it disappears for 20 mins or so. This is easy!! About 7am he woke up, luckily he already had the day off since it was so close to the long weekend and he knew I could have the baby any day now.  So I shared the news and he just jumped into action.  Showering and eating breakfast, as if we are ready to go soon. Silly man.

Hours go by, and more hours, the pain increases but still very bearable and far apart. We watched movies and tv, I tried sitting on my yoga ball as much as possible, walked around the house, showered, ate, drank liquids, tried to act normal. I didn't want to tell my mum & dad I was in labour yet, not sure why to be honest. I think because I didn't want my mum to run over here and "baby" me through this. I wanted to do it myself.  Around 6:30pm or so we called the midwife to tell her I had been in labour for 17 hours already and they were still about 10 mins apart.  She thought I had a long way to go yet, but to call her when they were 5 mins apart or I couldn't handle the pain and she would meet me at the hospital. I do think thats around the time I told my mum on the phone as well. But told her go to bed tonight we will call you as soon as it happens! I'm sure she didn't sleep much that night!

By about 9:30pm I was crying.  The pain had gotten to the point that I honestly didn't think it could ever get worse. The contractions were close to 5 mins apart and last 2 mins long each one. So my fiance called the hospital and told them we are on our way. The 5 minute drive to the hospital seemed to be the bumpiest road trip I've ever taken.  Every bump hurt so bad and by the time he got me to the ER doors I could hardly get out of the car.  The contractions were coming fast and so strong, and I was SOBBING my heart out. I think I scared the people waiting in ER, even the doctor in the ER wanted to help me.  I had seen patients lying in beds waiting for whatever they were in there shouting "Good luck, you'll be ok".  They meant well but I seriously wanted to punch someone. And all I could hear was my fiance saying "Thank you" to all of them. SHUT IT was on the tip of my tongue!  The nurses offered the wheelchair for me, but I kept saying No the Pre-natal classes said to walk as long and often as possible, i'll walk.  Now for those of you who know our hospital, the walk from the ER down all 3 hallways and up the elevator is seriously the longest walk ever when you are in labour. They are no where near each other in locations...something I would advise in the new hospital they are building here one day.  Put the maternity ward close to the door!!! My girlfriends who did this walk late at night while in labour all know what i'm talking about!

I walked into the maternity ward with the sweetest nurses ready to greet me, they knew me by name and were sooooo happy to see me.  I think I cried again because I thought, yes, someone to help me!!  We walked down the hall to the labour and delivery rooms and there was my girlfriend "A" who I met in pre-natal, and her hubby drinking Iced Caps from timmy's looking calm and comfortable, saying nice things to me....honestly they could have said my hair was on fire, I dont to this day remember what she said, just her sweet smile and the look of fright on her hubby's face!  LOL.  She wasn't in full labour yet! But I love her still to this day for her smile...as I cried and walked down the hall.  hahaha. (writing this out is really helping, I am laughing so hard now at how much I cried.  Gosh I'm such a big baby!)

So midwife showed up, got the "Cadillac" of all delivery rooms (the one with the big shower in it) got all settled, they wanted me to pee in the cup...word to all your pregger ladies out there they make you pee as soon as you arrive, but I couldn't do it...should have been clue #1 that something was wrong. It was about 11pm by the time we got settled and I got into my sexy hospital gown took off the bra...ahhh that I do remember feeling such relief! And kept on with my hard contractions. So the midwife checked me and they were shocked how long I went before going to the hospital (22 hours, not that i'm bragging) and they realized I was 6cm almost 7cm dilated.  They were happy and things seemed to be going smoothly. I heard 7cm and said, cool I will be giving birth within the hour.....I think they laughed at me. 

Ok so lets skip some hours and get to the nitty gritty. About 27 hours in they realized that the baby was stuck.  Her head was crooked and my cervix was so swollen. Half of it felt 10cm dilated to them (and by them yes I mean multiple people were all up in my grill...you know...) but the other side felt so swollen from the baby pressing on it that blood was building up and that was half the severe pain I was feeling. The back labour was OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD. And i still had not pee-d yet!  I had my fiance pressing on my low back as hard as he could possible press for at least 2 hours (hours 25-27) so much so that he got to the point where he could not feel his hand anymore and didn't know if he had the strength to keep pressing on it for me.  For me it relieved the pain, but I know he thought he was hurting me.  Nope, he could have punched me in back and I wouldn't have felt a thing. By this point I was huffing the gas they gave me til my eyes were rolling back in my head. Big Daddy thought that was the weirdest thing he's ever seen. I think it creeped him out.  But gas was temporary.  As soon as you exhale the pain is there. But I had said I wanted a natural birth with no drugs unless I needed them. I will never say those words again.

My blood pressure was through the roof, the baby's heart rate was escalating and not coming down.  My contractions were every 2 mins but lasting for 1min 45 secs. (they start timing contractions from when they START, so i'm not kidding I had a 15 second break in between them....for 2 or 3 hours!)  I was physically exhausted.  And I also forgot or refused, not sure which, to drink fluids. So I was severely dehydrated.  The midwife gave me an IV....5 times it took her to get a vein, they were so dehydrated she couldn't find one.  And that was almost as painful as the labour. On the last one she sliced through a nerve and I just about jumped off the bed in pain. And that actually hurt for a month. FYI peeps, ask a nurse to do it!

By the 27th hour the nurses were getting scared. the screams that were coming out of my mouth were primal. My fiance said it was nothing he'd ever heard before, and apparently I started chanting like a monk! No joke. My second girlfriend was in the other delivery room and she heard me too. I think I scared her husband as well.  oops I'm sorry!!  So the nurses called in the doctor.  He arrived like Heaven sent an angel to me, looked at my BP, looked at baby's heart rate, took one quick exam on me and asked the nurse to call the anesthesiologist (hope I spelled correctly) and to order fentanyl to calm me down (it's 100 times more potent than morphine) and then ordered an epidural for me. He said the epidural would bring my blood pressure back down and slow down contractions until they could turn the baby's head and deliver her. But they couldn't give me epidural without somehow calming me down first, I think I was borderline hysterical in pain by that point.  Then he asked the midwife to step aside and have a seat.  I was no longer her patient.

I had a midwife, a doctor, a pediatrician, and anesthesiologist and 3 nurses, plus my man all in the room with me trying to get this baby out.   When the anesthetist (however you call him) came into the room here's what I thought. A) Good Lord you are freaking gorgeous!  B) I love you. lol. I'm not sure if I had clothing on at that point, my fiance told me a year later that I took off my dressing gown and chucked it across the room saying I'm too hot with this thing on. Bahahaha it's a light as a sheet. too funny!!! the entire maternity ward staff saw me naked.  There is no modesty when birthing a child.

Epidural man didn't think I would be able to sit still long enough for it to be inserted into my spine. But they told me I had no choice and they thought I was going to have a c-section. I signed 3 papers I think not sure what they said I was in too much pain and scribbled something on each one. I got into position, which is very hard when you have a beach ball between your legs, apparently I started chanting or counting/chanting. Something odd and unusual, holding onto the meal tray with one nurse holding my one arm and the midwife holding the other, because my contractions were so hard and so close together.  I asked the anesthetist to wait til my go, i knew I had a 15 second break coming up, and he did and then went for it. To be honest I didn't feel the epidural go in at all. I felt him taping it to my back and that was it.  Then they told me to carefully lie down and relax. They had to put in a catheter which hardly filled up and the nurses were very nervous about my lack of fluids.  Within 30 mins I couldn't feel my legs or the contractions, but they told me I had to wait 2 hours before I could push.  So my man had a tiny siesta in the lazyboy chair and the nurses all left me and dimmed the lights and I rested my eyes. One kept checking on me and checking the baby monitor but she sat there quietly telling me to rest. Which was so nice. I was exhausted. 

The epidural had done it's job.  I had relaxed enough that the baby turned her head enough to allow me to fully dilate. The doctor and nurses all came back in with the midwife too, and told me they were only going to allow me to push for a little otherwise I needed a c-section.  I told him, I know I can do this.    So they had to tell me to push since I couldn't feel the contractions, or anything from the ribs down.  I started figuring out that when I felt the baby moving and kicking me inside I was contracting, so my daughter would give me the signal and we worked as as a team and she was out in about 40 mins of pushing.  Not too bad. they did have to put the vacuum on her head to turn it slightly to the side and then she came out.  And just because you're frozen doesn't mean you dont feel the baby moving inside you.  That was a weird feeling. She came out all healthy, and she got placed on my chest and I remember saying she's so small! She was born at 7:15 am Aug 1st, 2008 weighing 6lbs 4oz. (30 hours of labour)  The baby got checked by the pediatrician and I layed there recovering and happy it was over.  But as we were holding our precious angel I noticed the doctor who delivered her was taking a long time to stitch me up.  At least 30-40 mins of sewing. I found out later I had 3rd degree tears. Ouchy! But since I was still frozen I didn't feel him stitching me. But once the swelling went down the next day the pain was out of this world. *i'm shivering at the thought right now

So we thought everything was fine. We had called our families and me and baby were in my room trying right away to get her to latch onto my breast. And she would which shocked me, but of course you dont' have much of anything on day 1. She did alot of sleeping that day, and I think i tried to. My parents showed up about noon on their lunch hour from their jobs, and I was so excited to see them. Of course they came back later that night,  but they knew me and big daddy needed to try to rest.  Nothing seemed unusual to me, since i'd never had a baby before, I figured all babies were "jumpy" in the beginning so we tried to be quiet.  Late that night around midnight the nurse came in and said let me take her to the nursery to weigh her again, and told me to rest since I had been up for 2 days. I must have passed out for a couple hours, and woke up about 2am and noticed she still wasn't in the bassinet.  I really had to go to the bathroom and change my dressings but when I came out the pediatrician was standing in my room waiting for me to get out of the bathroom and he said the words that will haunt me forever:

You're baby is very sick, we need you and your husband down in the nursery right now.

We ran down that hall and when we arrived there she was hoked up to monitors and a tiny IV in her arm. Laying naked but a diaper under the heat lamp. I don't think I cried yet. I was in shock.  They told me that when they undressed her to weigh her she was shaking uncontrollably, and not just from being cold. So they pricked her heel and took a blood sample and her blood sugar was 0.7 (normal is 4.0 - 5.0) she was in bad shape. If they couldn't stabilize her there was a chance she would not make it. They asked me if I was diabetic and I said no, but the baby had to stay in there under the heat and hooked up to the monitors and IV until they could stabilize her.  They fed her a tiny amount of formula to see if her blood sugar would go up. But there was nothing we could do but wait.  They told us to try to rest and sleep and they promised to wake us up in the night if anything changed. I think I did fall asleep from pure exhaustion. In the morning we got up and went back down to the nursery and they had taken a vial of her blood and it had gone up a bit, but as soon as they lowered the dosage in her IV she crashed again.  She just could not stabilize her sugars. It was really a waiting game. There was nothing we could do but wait and pray. We fed her every single meal and changed every diaper that up until midnight when the nurses told us to try to sleep. Early  the next morning we were back in there holding her as long as possible.  I only left the nursery to eat and go to the bathroom and have a quick shower.  Same with my fiance. We sat in the chair rocking her as she was hooked up to the machines.  There was no way I was going to let her lay there without being held by us. 

The nurses got me pumping the colostrum right away, and I would seriously dip the tip of my finger into the bottle where I pumped it and then put my finger in her mouth so she could suck it off, which she did. I would scrape that bottle dry so she got every drop, plus then they would give her formula to get that sugar up in her body.  And thats what we did every 2-3 hours. Pump, feed her, weigh her, change her, hold her. Non-stop. the nurses had to force us to go sleep from midnight til 3am when i had to be woken up to pump what I could, back to sleep til 6am to pump. I pumped around the clock every 3 hours for 5 weeks. No lie. The poor baby had to have her heel pricked every 3 hours to test her sugars and LANCED the heel every 12 hours to take a vial of blood from her to do more testing...from friday night midnight til tuesday. Her little foot was so bruised and purple from being pricked that they ran out of spots they could even prick her. And by the sunday she wouldn't even cry when they did it, she had already gotten used to the pain they put on her. It was heartbreaking.

By sunday night the nurses told us to go to our room, take a couple hours break, let them look after her.  They could see how emotionally wrecked we both were. Looking back it was exactly what I needed.  And I think that's the first time I really cried.  We were watching tv and I just started bawling.  It was like the flood gates opened and I finally starting grieving for my sick baby. I asked my fiance if she was sick because of something I did wrong while pregnant.  Did I eat too much sugar near the end?  Did I stop taking my pre-natal vitamins too soon, they made me throw up so I stopped taking them.  What did I do to deserve this?  What did she do to deserve this?  I cried and I cried and I cried. For hours. But that's when it sunk in that something seriously could be wrong with my perfect baby. I just remember praying to God that I would do anything, anything at all for her to get better. And I begged him to please not take her from me. That's the night I truly started believing in the power of prayer.  I think this has been the hardest part to write so far. Writing this out, I think I have just found the memory spot that I have been hiding and had tucked away so I wouldn't ever feel that pain again. I think the thought of losing her was more painful than 30 hours of physical pain. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant to keep her healthy.

ok let's see if I can finish this without crying anymore. So the pediatrician called childrens hospital and they told him what they were doing here was everything they could do as well.  So there was no need to medi-vac us over there.  It was all just a waiting game.  She was born on a  friday by tuesday she had stabilized her sugars on her own with no IV,so they finally removed the IV that day. And allowed her to sleep with us in our room that night. I don't think I slept much that night.  The next day wednesday we were released.  Just like that, no follow up nothing.  I kept asking, well what do I do if she drops her sugars again, how will I know?  But they assured me that once she stabilized on her own that she would now be fine.  I was scared to death!!  I was worried sick that she would relapse and I wouldn't be able to help her.  But they were right, she thrived and was gaining weight slowly but surely and she was a happy girl. 

She never did latch onto me again.  I wanted to breastfeed so badly the whole pregnancy and I kept pumping for 5 weeks around the clock.  But I wasn't producing any milk, like less than 2 ounces at a time. So we always had to top her up with formula to make it 4 ounces so she was getting enough.  I had lactation consultants and my midwife all coming to the house to help me but it was no use. By the time my 4 week check up came my midwife tried again to help me get her to latch, but she had gotten so used to the bottle in the hospital that she refused to latch onto me. And I was drying up.  I went on fenugreek and beaded thistle to increase my milk but it did nothing. I had to make the choice, stop pumping or keep pumping hardly anything out.  I stopped. And then I went into a  post pardum depression. And I think I cried for 3 days straight.  The guilt I felt for not being able to feed her, the pressure I felt from others to keep trying, it was horrible.  I had one friend...one single person, tell me it was ok.  She herself was unable to nurse her children and she talked me through those days and made me feel like it's ok.  I will always be grateful for her supportive words and encouragement through that awful time.  It was a very hard decision to make, some people think it's easy, but when you wanted to do something so badly but weren't able to because of factors you can't control its painful. After that the baby started gaining weight at a better pace, so that made me feel somewhat ok about my decision...at least she was still healthy. I hadn't done a ton of research on formula, since I was a pro-breastfeeding pregnant lady. But we did our best.

I really have harbored this guilt in me for not being able to breastfeed.  I felt like a failure for so long....so long.  I would see my baby mom friends nursing their kids and I would act all tough like it didn't bother me, but usually I would quietly cry on the drive home that I didn't feel that special bond with my baby like they talked about. I mean don't get me wrong I have an unbreakable bond with my daughter, but I can imagine that nursing a baby would give a different feeling that bottle feeding. I think that's why I held her til she fell asleep in my arms for every single nap and bedtime until she was 14 months old. I wanted that closeness and bond.  Once I gave that up and allowed her to fall asleep on her own I think it helped build her confidence in herself and also  allowed me to let-out the cord a little bit. ( i still haven't cut it yet. lol)

I'm not sure how to end this. This was my birth experience.  Nothing went as planned, and I was left so emotionally raw from the whole thing that it really put me into a depression. Everything I do I always second guess myself, since babies don't come with a manual.  But I think I'm doing the best I know how.  I have a great model to follow...my own mother. She is the best mother anyone could ever ask for. And I hope one day I am half the woman she is today. She has such strength and kindness, and is truly the nicest person on the planet. And my daughter loves her so much. As do I. I have learned alot from this experience and know more now about myself and my strengths and convictions. So I hope i'll be better prepared if i decide to bring another blessing into this world.

And if nothing else, I have learned to listen to my inner voice. And trust myself.

Sweet moments

So today I was in the kitchen making meatloaf for supper while my daughter was having her lunch. Its a normal daily event, I cook supper, or bake cookies while she's up in the highchair watching me. We usually have the tunes cranked up and it keeps her entertained while eating! 

So I started making my meatloaf, not really paying attention to what she was doing, I thought she was just eating her vegetable/pasta/chicken combo until I hear this tiny giggle come out of her.  I looked over and she was kneading her lunch like I was kneading the meatloaf in the bowl. She was copying me and thought it was hilarious.  Thankfully she had eaten most of it, but the uneaten portion was all squished between her fingers...well, kind of like me with the meatloaf squished between my fingers.  So I let her continue as I finished adding the last ingredients and mixing with my hands.  And beside me just the sweetest giggle-fest came out of her as she continued "making meatloaf" like momma.

These are the tiny moments that remind me why I love staying home with her.

Sleep

So I don't think I've slept a full night sleep since the day I found out I was pregnant, almost 3 years ago. From that night on I worried every night if the baby was ok.  Then it just got to difficult in the 3rd trimester to get comfortable to sleep, and even if I found that sweet spot on the bed, and got into the zone....she would start kicking the crap out of me. Of course it goes without saying that once she was born 2 years ago I couldn't sleep much.  Not that I didn't want to...oh I wanted to, but newborns generally only sleep for 2-4 hours at one time if you're lucky!  And then I was also up every 3 hours round the clock pumping. I was soooo bagged by the time she was 2 months old I tell ya!

But then it just got to be the "norm" to lightly sleep.  That way I could always hear her if she was choking, breathing funny, crying, needed milk, wanted to snuggle. Anything really. I am engaged to a man who is deaf in one ear, and sleeps on the good ear so he doesn't hear anything and he can get his full 9 hours a night in.  Awww muffin, so hard done by.  9 freakin hours....every night. He has no idea what I would do for just ONE night of 9 solid straight hours of sleep. But I have to be honest, it's not like my daughter is up all night.  those days are long gone. She's been sleeping through the night 10-12 hours for almost a year now. It's me. But with him putting his good ear to the pillow I always think what if he doesn't hear the baby IF she wakes up, I better not sleep too deep or I won't hear her. (my house is teeny, i'm sure I would)

I cannot shut my brain off.  Wondering if she ate enough that day, if I need groceries or stuff for the house, what to make for supper the next day, what kinds of clients I will have at work (yes I work part time) what on earth I will wear to work every weekend since all my clothes are outdated and a little snugger...must have shrunk them ;) Gosh that alone can stress a lady out. My mind wanders off to planning a wedding that seems to never happen, stressing about normal household things, wondering if I just heard a noise outside, or maybe the baby is stirring in her sleep and kind of crying/dreaming...will she fully wake up? My mind never stops running.  If my body ran as much as my mind I would be a smokin hot size 4 I swear! Alas, I am not. 

So this is my night.  Every night.  Sitting here drinking my sleepytime tea hoping that tonight it will slow down the brain and just go to sleep. Its rare if I ever fall asleep before 2am, I usually see the clock turn 3:30, 4:30 etc, and then i'm up by 7:30am. Some days I am fortunate enough to steal a nap with her, and honestly when she's beside me sleeping and we are pressed forehead to forehead and she's breathing on my face, those are my BEST sleep sessions. Even if it's for an hour, I feel so amazing when we wake up like it was the best sleep I've ever had.  I don't know if it's the snuggle with my baby, or its knowing that she's so close I will hear her if she needs me, or the comfort of having her close to me. And yes it's usually forehead to forehead that she prefers.  And almost everytime I doze off I wake up, open my eyes and find her staring at my eyeballs, and once I fully open my eyes, with her soother in her mouth, she smiles so big, so happy that her mommy is snuggling. And she always reaches over and hugs my neck so tight, and it just melts my heart. Who knows how long she spends staring at me.  I'm sure she's memorized every single freckle on my nose and every eyelash in place. We don't get to nap together very often.  Most days she goes to her crib and thats when I can get my house cleaning done.

But I have forgotten how to relax and just go to sleep. Let my mind go and trust myself enough that I would hear her if she needs me in the night. To go to bed and enjoy those 7-8-9 hours of sleep. Even on nights where I work the next day i'm averaging 3-5 hours of sleep. So not good.  I'm going to age myself quicker, no wonder I have so much grey hair.

I need to figure this out because i'm just so tired. I am mentally so exhausted and phyically drained from years of not sleeping. I'm not into taking pills or drugs unless I absolutely have to. So I dont want to tell my doctor because she'll prescribe something.  I want to do it naturally if I can. Sleepytime tea doesn't work.  Yes I feel relaxed, but once I get off of here, and lay down my mind will start a circus act.

Sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep the night. 

Life path

I have crossed life paths with a woman I went to highschool with 17 years ago. (yes I am that old.)  She was so sweet and cheerful back then, and really, she still has that sparkle.  (I can't believe I just said sparkle..I think i've been watching too many beauty pagent shows! lol) But recently her life hit a bump, like all of us do, and she was offered a shit sandwich and told it was turkey.  She's to smart to fall for that!  So she's doing alot of soul searching and figuring out her dreams in life.  One of her personal stories along this life changing journey was discovering who she is, and also who she wants to be. She talked about writing a letter to her old self, what she would like to tell herself years ago that she knows now.  Or would she even bother? 

I think life is about the ride not the destination...because I know what the destination is, and I'm in no rush to see the pearly gates thank you very much! I want to enjoy the ride ALOT longer. But if I could write a letter to my 20 year old self...what would I say?  What would YOU say? All the decisions we make along the way sculpt us into who we are today. Whether it's to date a certain guy, or take that job position we didn't really want.  Every single thing we do and people we meet does some how affect the outcome of which path we cross.  If you see a bird's eye view of our life path, I really believe it would look like a giant maze. Twists and turns every which way, some  dead ends, some deep holes to fall into, some paths lead to original paths and we think...wasn't I just here last year?  But there is also that one straight path. That path is safe and sturdy and paved with gold. Sometimes my paths have come to the golden road and I've walked a few steps only to be distracted by a shiny object like a kitty and pounce onto another dirt road. Only to realize, hey where am I? There are no signs telling you which way to go, and no footprints to follow,  just your own. Along the way you meet other people, some you just pass on by, others keep coming into your life when you least expect it. Some follow alongside you and you have a good laugh all along your happy trail. Those friends are worth keeping!

But there isn't always butterflies and puppy dog kisses along the paths. There will be dark nights and stormy days to get through. There will be people along the way who are only there to hurt you and to teach you a lesson on your personal soul safety.  Once you encounter enough of these people you start to figure out easily how to keep them at arms length and protect yourself.  And there is also those dreaded deep dark holes you might fall into if you are not watching ahead.

Which brings me back to this.  If you had the chance to write yourself a letter for your old 20 year old self what would you say? I think I would. I would tell her to finish college and not to be a loser and drop out because it got hard and money was tight.  She had no idea how tight money was going to be without a college education. I would have told her to stay away from the ex who had a dog. He was nothing but a dark storm cloud of unhappiness and it was a year wasted in my opinion. I would have told her to take that job on a cruiseship when it was there for the taking. I would have said stay in Ontario, you might have been able to work your way up that grocery store ladder.  (oh man I loved that job, to this day it's my favorite job i've ever had) I would have told her to stick to the WW meal plan for life. Being overweight has been the biggest struggle for all of my adult life.  And I would tell her to take that dream vacation while you're young and single. Live it up and party like a rockstar.

Of course all of these things shaped me into who I am today. And since I can't change anything from the past I embrace all of my flaws and choices I've made. I'm on a new path of motherhood these days, and it's going pretty good. I keep looking down that marriage road and it looks long. So that's a good sign.  And I'm really hoping there's another baby branch down that road to follow soon-ish.

struggles

So anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything for my sweet baby girl. She is the reason I get up and smile every single morning and count myself as the luckiest lady in all the land to have such a beautiful sweet girl. But this past year hasn't been so great for me as a mother.  I feel like a failure almost everyday because no matter how hard I try, or how many therapy appointments I take her to, I can't get her to walk by herself. Or now talk. It seriously has brought me to tears thinking about all the 2 year old she used to hang with and how much fun they have running and playing at the beach, or the parks and knowing that my little girl spent her summer sitting on the ground or in my arms. And I think if one more person tells me "oh all kids learn at their own pace" one more time, I might snap. She's 2 now and will walk for a bit holding my hand, but its never a long stretch, maybe across a parking lot, or down the hall, and then she wants to sit again and just crawl. We have done physical therapy since she was 4 months old, every 2 weeks, starting with a neck problem she had, then it turned to her not crawling, then not walking.  Which then spiraled into child development coming to see us every other week to help her with speech and fine motor skills.  Which I must say she's excelled at the fine motor skills...speech not so much. From that came a long awaited Occupational therapy every week.  By the end of July it had been so many months of therapy that I just about snapped on them and said enough, please let us have August off from all therapy. I just needed a break to clear my head and let her be a kid with no therapy appointments. They all agreed that momma needed the break more than anyone.

So I thought I would try chiropractic care for her.  We went 3 times and I must admit 2 days before her 2nd birthday she stood up and walked across the living room all by herself....a couple times. But then not many steps the rest of the week, and certainly not when anyone else was around but her mommy & daddy. After her first chiro appt she was walking so much around the living room that night, I thought this is great!!  But of course the 2nd & 3rd visit to the doctor wasn't so good.  My daughter screamed, terrified it would hurt and kept saying "owie, owie, owie" when the chiro doc was trying to adjust her.  That was all I needed to hear to end all visits.  I'm not going to force my 2 yr old to go to chiro when alot of grown men I know won't even go!  But I was willing to try anything to get her to walk.  Even the chiro said there was nothing structurally wrong with her hips or legs. 

I have done everything I can possibly think of to encourage her that walking is more fun than crawling.  Her poor legs are covered in bruises from crawling over every toy and object in the way.  She's part monkey the way she climbs up everything and jumps off couches onto her daddy laying on the floor. So I know it's not fear anymore.  But i'm at a loss.  I'm dreading September when the therapists start calling us again and scheduling more appointments. I just want her to be "normal" like other kids.  I feel so bad for her that she might be missing out on things that a 2 yr old gets to experience.  And I'm left all alone as a mother with little support except the occasional "oh dont worry she will soon, she'll be up and running in no time!"  People just have no idea the pain I go through everyday waiting for her to figure it out and do it. I have never met another mommy or daddy that has ever gone through this.  What 2 yr old doesn't walk? I know if I search for it online of course there's tons of stories.  But I could write a story, it's not the same as going through that experience and knowing the pain and frustration and the social stigma this puts on her. It makes her different.  And I dont think parents ever want that for their child.  

And now we're working on her speech.  She hardly says anything, a handful of words 20 I think. And up to 30 signs....but I really dont think she's remembering them all anymore.  She just points and grunts and the occasional word comes out and surprises us, like the other day she said diaper to her daddy, clear as day. And she will not call me mommy anymore.  I'm now da-da. Or a grunt. She plays with her toys and makes up songs and babbles all day long, but I have no idea what she's saying.  We've had her hearing tested 2 times. And her eyesight 2 times. (for the walking) and she comes back perfect in each one. She seems to have little interest in speaking.  She's a very quiet girl for the most part, very shy around strangers.

I just keep beating myself up everyday thinking did I do something wrong when I was pregnant?  Am I doing something wrong now?  I read to her, we sing everyday, we play, we colour, we go to the park, we go for walks, we have done TONS of playdates, we go shopping, we watch cartoons, we go swimming, we go visit friends, we go to the beach, and yes we walk and walk and walk around this house.  I've exposed her to my whole life and everyone important to me.  But with this no walking and no talking business you can see how upset I can get at myself. 

I don't like to fail.  I always try to do the best I can in any situation.  But this one has smacked me on my butt and I just don't know what else to do. I want the very best for her, I always have. I just go to bed every night praying that she will just do it tomorrow. That she will find crawling sucks and just stand up and go.

I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not looking for advice or tips by this, i'm just a momma who needed to finally get it all out, instead of bottling it up inside. And I'd like to stop blaming myself...

Bikers

I love bikers. I have had a love affair with bikers in my head since I was 15 years old. 

It all started when my dad was posted here and we drove through the States to get to BC and along the way he made a detour through Sturgis just when the annual motorcycle rally was happening.   There is nothing quite like Sturgis. That was the summer of 1990. The bikes, the noise, the scantily clad ladies and scuzzy looking leathered up men. Everyone is in black leather, some have patches, some do not, some look like they just got off parole, some look like doctors.  Every walk of life was there...including me, a 15 year old cute little teeny bopper who had never been so close to bikers before...ever.

And that's when my love of the "bad boy" began.  To this day I can not stop my head from turning when I hear the thundering sound of a chopper or Harley drive past me...and yes, I MUST see who's riding it. He could be a sexy muscle bound greased up juice monkey, or an older, grey-hair, long beard wearing, bandana sportin dude and I'll still look. I can't help myself!

There's just something about them that I find unattainable that makes my heart go "pitter patter lets get at 'er!" its that whole bad boy thing.  The ones you are not supposed to bring home to mom and dad.  Dont get me wrong I have a great guy now, and he's WELL aware of my not-so-secret love affair with the biker boys (he has Angelina Jolie and PINK, I have bikers) and he teases me every chance he gets..."I'm surprised you dont have whiplash checking that one out!"  he says.

What is it about bikers? Because i'm not into ALL bikers.  There's what I consider a "biker" to be, and then there's the "i'm too pretty i better get a crotch rocket and look like Tom Cruise off Top Gun" guys.  Yeah...not into those boys.  That's my brother for sure, and eeewwww, its my brother! lol No offense to him, my brother has a beautiful bike and he goes on awesome bike road trips and has a blast. But if his friends on that style of bike went past me, I wouldn't even look. Does nothing for me. But I still love my brother!!

I think its the sound of the Harley or the choppers that get to me.  Its loud and annoying and it just screams...look at me!  I love it!  The leather, the boots, the bikes, all of it creates this big ole' package of sexiness.

And yet here I am, 35 years old, its been 20 years of this love affair...and I`ve still never been on the back of a Harley yet. But I will continue to be true to myself and love those greasy bastards til the day I die!
Ride On!

Turtle

So the past couple weeks I have been going to my Chiropractor for adjustments.  Really, I'm so used to my constant low back pain I've had most of my life but once my neck started giving me problems I thought I better go see the doc.

I used to go to chiro about 5 years ago.  I am the type of patient who wants a few weeks of good ole' back cracking...I want to hear the snaps and pops! And then i'm good for awhile.  But my chiropractor wants me to pay for a 12 month (and possibly more) "corrective care" plan she has.  I know this is her business and how she makes money, by repeat visits, but I'm on a budget here, we are down to one and a quarter income right now (I only work 2 days a week) so paying thousands of dollars for chiro is completely NOT happening right now in my life.

So today was the visit where we looked at my neck X-Ray from today compared to 5 years ago, to see how bad I am, and yes it's gotten worse, i'm in stage 2 of neck "decay".  Sounds horrific doesn't it? Basically my neck and head sit forward.  Then she tells me that 5 years ago you could see my #7 vertabrae, now today its hiding in my shoulders.....I asked "like a turtle?", she said "well yes kind of".  HONESTLY IT TOOK EVERY OUNCE OF SELF CONTROL NOT TO SAY "AM I NOT TURTLEY ENOUGH FOR THE TURTLE CLUB?" bahahahahahaha. Ok no jokes, I guess I am shrinking...into my shoulders.  So she says its from bad posture and my enormous breasts (ok she didn't really say that, but its true) She said from the extra weight in the front i'm carrying.

So now I have to sit up straight, get a breast reduction, (she didn't say that but I want one), and lose some pounds. UGH!! If only it was that easy!!!  At least my neck feels great these days, even though of course she wants to see me 3 times a week...sorry not going to happen, I dont have time with a 2 yr in my life.

That's it, thats all I've got today.  Life hasn't been to interesting these days....I'll try to spice it up for you!!
(P.S. and turtles are cute!)

Bring on the rain!

I am NOT a fan of summer. I dont like to sit in the sun and tan, a total waste of my time, plus bad for you. I don't like the heat more than a couple weeks, then I'm done with it. It has been so hot for so long and no rain for weeks I think.  I would love for someone to do a rain dance and get it wet outside!!!  The smoke from the forest fires in the interior is hovering over our island now, and even though it is lifting and floating away, it still makes it muggy and slightly uncomfortable. Bye Bye summer, please go away. I'm all done with you now.

Now Fall is my season!!!  If I could live in a place where its fall almost all year round, please let me know and I will move there...seriously!  I love wearing jeans and a hoodie.  Not shorts and tanks. I like it to be sunny but a tiny bit crisp in the air. Not so cold that you see your breath, but cool enough that a hoodie is the perfect thing to wear. I love the colours of fall, bright reds and burnt oranges, mellow yellows and muted greens.  I love fall more than any other season.  Plus you have Halloween and Thanksgiving, which I love both equally!  I love the pumpkin patches, and leaves falling off the trees, my allergies are no longer bothersome to me as well.  I love those rainy days that remind you the winter is coming. Where I live we don't get alot of snow, maybe a week of it, but mostly rain. And more rain, and even MORE rain.  By the spring comes along I always look forward to a bit of summer to break the rain spell.  But its into August now and I'm feeling that back-to-school-urge of cooler nights, and windy days.

I think I love back-to-school. Not because I have kids in school yet, but it reminds me of the simple times in life. Where  my folks would take us shopping for new shoes and jeans, books and fun pencil cases. And going to school and trying hard was the only responsibility we had.  But it also meant that it was cold enough to wear those new jeans and hoodies we got. Summer clothes got boxed up and put away, and my closet was full of new choices to face every morning.  September is when my "new" year begins.  I dont think of January as the new year, I still think of September as the fresh new start to another year of my life.

I am counting down the days to fall. And looking forward to my "new" year beginning.  I see some changes on the horizon, and a new hoodie in my future!

The Cake

So my baby girl just turned 2!  So hard for me to grasp that, but it is what it is.  Time has flew by, seriously!

So since our camping plans changed to NOT camping, and getting my mum to bring cupcakes to the campsite, I decided to bake and decorate my 1st themed cake for my wee girl.

It really was a piece of cake. hahahaha sorry, had to say it! I baked it off in a pyrex measuring cup, that was in the shape of the cake. Once it was cool, I put it on a plate and froze it for the day, so it would be easier to frost. And it was, I cut out the hole where the doll sits, trimmed the edge around her waist so it was smoother, and frosted the green grass skirt first. Once the lines were all in place, I refroze the cake for an hour to harden it up before I worked on the flowers. That was the tricky part.  Working with a tip is a first for me, so I had to work fast since the pink was melting and sliding off the cake.  But I managed pretty good, added the stars and then covered the doll in plastic wrap, shoved her down in the hole, bada-boom bada-bing, almost done! (can you tell I watch alot of "Cake Boss"?) Added a bikini top to the doll, wrapped a lei around the bottom, added a blob of icing to the plate to push the #2 into and then popped it all back in the fridge til showtime.  

I think it turned out good for my first time.  My grandmother was a cake maker back when she was alive, and I'm sure she would have been so proud of me. Now I'm on the wait list for a cake decorating class in the fall.  Yes I am!  I need advice and to learn more, but I'm pleased with how it turned out, and tasted!!  Now that I started this new tradition I'm going to have to do it every year. But I'd do anything for my little girl.  Happy Birthday sweetness!!!

Out with the old...

So my daughter's 2nd birthday is fast approaching.  And we have already bought her new toys and I know a few other things she's getting from family as well.  And I sit here looking around the house thinking....yup, it's time to pack up her "baby" toys and make room for new big girl ones. Some friends say oh keep them for when you have another baby.  And I might keep some, but most are going bye-bye! I just don't have the room and I can't hold on to things that are waiting for baby #2, that could be years away....who knows!  We have no idea what our future holds and with such a tiny home we bought and very little storage, some things just have to go. Kids toys are getting bigger and bigger!  Its hard to buy a tiny toy anymore, everything is huge and clutters up the house. 

I find these days she's more interested in reading her books, colouring, painting, playing with the toys that use her imagination more than pressing a button and they do their thing.  She is very bored by the noisy toys (secretly i'm soooooooo happy about that!!) I can't wait to play with her on her birthday with one of her new toys she's getting.  She will freak her freak!! :) It was one of my faves as a child, and I hope its hers too. And since she's not interested in dollies or stuffed animals just yet, I do hope she likes what we picked out for her.

I am having a Hawaiian luau themed party for her and even found the cutest lei and baby sized grass skirt!  hahaha oh my its cute.  Now to get her to wear it will be the tricky part! And all of us there will get a lei to wear as well. I can't wait to decorate!!  Sunday will be a very fun day :)  I took the weekend off work as I did last year too, and I am hoping I will always be able to have her birthday "party" day off....there is NOTHING more important to me than my little girl.
xoxoxox

time's a tickin'

My 20 year highschool grad reunion is in 3 years. That makes me really old. When I was graduating and trying to think ahead to what our lives would be like at the 20 year reunion, I kept thinking, wow i'll be so old by then.  But time is starting to catch up to me. If the party was tomorrow night and someone asked What have you been up to since grad?.....I wouldn't have alot to say. Don't get me wrong, i'm no hermit and I have done oodles and oodles of things.....but I guess I still haven't achieved MANY of the goals I thought I would have achieved by this time.

I thought I would have been married. I thought I would have travelled somewhere. I thought I would have had more than one child. Maybe had a doggie, or a kitty. I would have been skinny. I would have a tight, close knit groups of friends. I would have dinner parties and ski trips, camping trips in my trailer, not the tent!  I have allowed life to just happen, and only a few occasions I can think of where I made a specific changes to change the outcome of my destiny.

The time has come to make a few adjustments. Time to get back to living and ticking off one by one the goals I need to set for myself.  I already have a list made of the things I want to accomplish. Its hard to know how to start these changes though.  I need some inspiration...

Canada Day

So this year Canada Day was on a thursday, and my fiance had thursday and friday off this year!!  And since he works monday-friday, and I work saturday/sundays, we really look forward to having any days off together...and this year we got 2 in a row!!!!  So my only request...we are NOT wasting the day watching tv or staying in the house!

So yesterday on the holiday it was rainy, and not that nice out.  So instead of the parade and going to the park to see the festivities we thought, let's skip it this year, our little girl won't remember it anyways, she's too young, and lets head to the next major city which is about an hour or so away to do some shopping for our little monkey girl who is almost 2!!  What a success! Sometimes shopping can be stressful when you can't find what you are looking for, but this year we lucked out with a great sale on 3 of the things we wanted. I love a good sale!!! I can't wait for her to open her gifts.  Even though she was in the cart when we got everything, we let her play with her new sand bucket and shovel for the beach and she forgot about everything else sitting in the cart with her!  And really, at this age is still about about mommy and daddy and how we get excited for her, she really wouldn't care if we got her a stick and a tin can...she'd have fun!  So after hours of shopping fun, the ride home was so peaceful with a sleeping baby in the backseat. She shopped til she dropped, literally! I had to snap a picture of it too, since she fell asleep with her sunnies on...so adorable!
So we had a later supper and then movie night for us after she went to bed and it was a great day. It's always so much fun spending someone else's money!

Today we knew was supposed to be sunny. So while she was having a morning nap, I ran out and got my groceries came home, my fiance made us yummy sammies and when we were ready we decided to go to the beach and take some family pictures.  The last time the 3 of us were in a picture together was almost a year ago. It was time for some new ones!!  It was so sunny but really breezy down by the ocean today, but we still had fun enjoying mother nature at its finest, and snapping some new summer pictures! 

Then it was off to Canadian Tire to stock up on our camping supplies for next months trip!!  I managed to grab some glow sticks! lol. I think that's my fave thing about camping, hanging a blue glowstick in the tent....don't know why or when I ever started this, but I can't camp without one, and it HAS to be blue! I'm weird I know.  Got a couple new air mattresses, and also my daughter got her first sleeping bag!!! I hope she likes camping! Now we are home, the baby and her daddy are both napping. When they wake up we are having a steak BBQ with caesar salad, new potatoes, and veggies.  I think we'll be sitting on the patio for sure this evening. We need to soak in some more sun and enjoy this beautiful summer day.

Its not like we did anything wild or exciting, but for us just to have 2 full days together was awesome. I'm getting sad they are almost over and I have to go to work this weekend, but that's life. Until I win the Lottery I just have to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. I told him today maybe we should think about having another baby....he put some beer in the fridge. Hahahaha. (guess that's a no.)

Hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend!

friends

Friends come and go. That's the way life goes sometimes. And I think its really ok.  We don't always have to be good friends forever....sometimes people are welcomed into our lives for reasons unknown to us at the time. Its like a new romance, exciting at first, but we all know not all of them work out to last forever.  And that's ok too.  It is what helps us grow into who we are and who we might be striving to be. 

I am a firm believer that nature runs its course, as do friendships.  I have had fantastic friendships in the past come to a stand-still and not sure what we have in common anymore, and then we parted ways.  But TRUE friends  find a way later in life to come back and tap on the window and see if you want to have some tea. I think in the past the relationships I've had with friends were because of circumstances and events going on in my life at that time. Highschool, college, work places, and living in different towns all had people who meant the world to me, but they are not all still in my life. Doesn't mean I don't think about them from time to time, and wonder how they are doing now. I've changed and found new interests, as I'm sure they have too. I've gotten older and started a family, my life of going out all the time is over...for a little while at least!  Priorities change which has to affect the types of friendships I have too.

I've been on a 2 year journey of finding myself again after having the baby. Trying out new groups of friends to see if we mesh, some do, alot don't. Doesn't mean I dont care about them, just means we are not a perfect match. Or we have different goals, beliefs, values, anything really. Finding true, great, wonderful friends who would drop anything to be there for you when you need a shoulder are so hard to find as you get older. It's like finding a new significant other. It starts with trust, friendship and grows from there. The people in my life who I call my true friends are very dear to me.  And some we hang out, some we just email, some live very far away, some we haven't been able to connect alot lately do to, well, just life in general. And some I think are just starting to blossom.

It's ok to have change in your life when it comes to friendships. I need certain people at different times in my life. And they need me for different reasons. Sometimes they work out, but it's really ok if they don't.  I don't want to have any hard feelings if things fizzle...it's like all my past relationships with men.  I don't have evil thoughts when I think of them. They shaped me into who I am today. They taught me what I do NOT want in a man now, and what I remember about them is nothing but fond memories. And the same goes for friendships. Some have helped me through very sad times in my life, when friends and family have passed away there are always a  few people that stand out in my mind that helped me through those things.  Some people are your friends to introduce you to a new friend you never would have met unless that first friend found a way to connect you.   I have a few of those friends now, and I hold them very dear to my heart.

People find a way into your life at a certain point for a very specific reason.  Even if you have no idea what that reason is yet. They will shape you and change you, without you even realize its happening. I have open arms when it comes to meeting new people. I don't feel right when I hear someone say, "I have enough friends".  I don't think that's possible. And I think its sad really. We all want to be loved and wanted and have someone who misses us. We all need someone to confide in and talk out issues with. And I dont think anyone really likes dining alone, all the time.

Friends keep us grounded, they also put it all in perspective. They listen and then listen more. And when you are ready to hear it or not, a true friend will tell you what they think. You don't have to always like it, but if you didn't want their opinion you wouldn't be their friend anyways. Right?

I'm curious to see who my next friend will be....

Hobbies

So since summer is finally arriving, I think it's time I get back to the things I enjoy doing and turn off that darn tv!  It's making me stupider by the day I swear! I asked my significant other if we should cancel cable awhile back, and you would have thought I said we are no longer buying groceries!

But it doesn't mean that once him and the baby are both sound asleep by 9:30pm each night, that I can't turn it off myself. I think it's come to that. (At least a couple nights a week) I have little things I love doing for myself, and I think it's time for this mama to pick a couple "me" nights and turn off the tv and turn on the imagination again. LOL that sounded so dorky! hahaha

I love making homemade jams and jellies, pickles, beets, all of it. I think its rewarding, relaxing and it's bringing me back to my roots of providing for my family.  So since it's strawberry season, I should really head out soon to my fave U-Pick and grab a few quarts and get to canning! Then it'll be blueberries, blackberries etc.  I am hoping to try some new recipes this year as well for other things like chutney, sauces etc. I really want to try my Nanny's recipe for blackberry jelly. I don't remember eating it as a child, she passed away when I was about 12 yrs old. But my mum talks about it all the time, so I want to make it for her. So that's the first thing on the list!

Secondly, my daughter's scrapbook. I scrapbooked every "first" for her first year and it's about 38 pages or so, and I love it so much.  I spent hours making it and put so much effort and thought into which picture was the best for each page.  My fiance would go to hockey once a week in the winter and I would pick that as my scrapbook night. All alone, baby asleep, and mama would get out the papers and tools and spend 1-2 hours creating something so beautiful to share with her when she's older. But now she's almost 2 and I have to catch up!  I want to create a book for the past year of all the fun things we got to do and learn and try, and sharpen my skills a little and try new looks and pages. It's another relaxing thing for me to do. I might even try card making....we'll see. One day!

And lastly reading. I used to read a novel a week. Reading was my escape from life and reality and take myself on a trip somewhere else for an hour or so each night (sometimes longer) and fall in love with characters. I have put reading on the back burner for a long time now. And I really miss it. I have a couple fun summer reads waiting for me to crack open and dive in.

Time for this mama to start enjoying what I used to love to do. The dishes, laundry and toys everywhere will all still be there tomorrow.

Break-ins

So today I was at home alone with my baby, like most days really. And there was a loud knock at my front door, followed by a strange questionable looking man peering into my kitchen window yelling "hello?"...I obviously was taking too long to walk from my living room to the front door, approx. 20 feet. So I opened the door to find a stranger asking me if I would like my windows washed inside and out, screens off, for only $15.  I said no thanks, and closed and locked the door. But it scared me. And my daughter who has just drifted off to sleep in her crib, which is just off the kitchen. So as she's crying and scared and I'm a little more nervous, we both did a fast sweep of the house to make sure the patio door and all windows that were opened were locked or had the stick in them. I have made my fiance cut me thick sticks for every single door and window, even making me a second stick for days I want to have them open a little, it makes me feel safer having the sticks to control how far the window can actually be opened. I have been putting sticks in my patio door since I went to college and my friend who lived upstairs in a house we shared had his dad come make me sticks for my patio out of old hockey sticks.  And since then I have always had sticks if I lived on ground level.

I have been broken into 3 times in my life, and also 2 car break ins. Let me tell you, it's terrifying. The first one I was 5 years old and we lived in New Brunswick and my parents had taken my family to see the move Jesus Christ Superstar (I think..it was some Jesus movie!) and when we were pulling into the driveway a burglar was using a knife and trying to open MY bedroom window. So the police were called and I remember laying in my bed with my mum trying to tuck me into bed and I kept saying to her, "he almost stole my purse!". LOL. I had a red patent leather purse hanging right by that window with $1.00 allowance money in it.  I remember it clear as day. So I layed in bed staring at the window, the blinds were closed but I could see the policeman's flashlights going all over my window inspecting it.  I will never to this day forget how I felt laying there thinking, he's gonna come back and he's gonna take my red purse. That is the beginning of my nervous  nature I think.  *** side note, I must say at 5 years old I had amazing fashion sense owning a red patent leather purse! Funny at 35 years old I now sport a cranberry red leather purse today!! lol

The next time I got broken into I was home.  So was my older brother and my mum.  My father was in the military and I think he was away on course. It was a saturday and I was in grade 10. It was a 2 level house, I was upstairs practicing piano, I was in royal conservatory and can't play a darn thing now, but I did practice piano lessons for about 3 or 4 years.  So I was practicing, with the headphones on.  My brother was downstairs in his room, music playing, and my mum was ironing I think. Or doing some sort of saturday mom chores. And suddenly the house alarm went off, so right away we all run to the nearest wall panel to see what's lit up, and it said the mud room door, which was downstairs. My mum never left the alarm on in the day, this just happened to be our lucky day. My brother ran to the laundry room and the man ran away. Police were there in 3 minutes because our neighbors alarm went off as well.  They did catch the guy.  He was as high as a kite, and he had a knapsack on him with a machete, and a sawed off shot gun  and bullets in it. I am not making this up folks. He told police he thought he was in another town that's about 2 hours from here, and he thought this was his house. But of course he was known to police and he was arrested and charged with some sort of weapons thingy. But the fear of knowing that someone tried to break in who had a giant machete and a sawed off shot gun I think has scared the shit right out of me. After that I didn't trust people again. There are really mean people out there.

The third break in happened at another house we lived in. I was now an adult in my very early 20's still living at home and working full time. I had Wednesday off work back then.  My father was always home by 3pm, and my mum by 5pm. About 2pm I was asleep upstairs (I was 20-ish I like to sleep!!) And I could hear someone trying to come in the house, so I layed there thinking, oh dads home early. And then I swear I heard someone yell in my ear "wake up its not your dad", and I bolted out of bed, ran downstairs and in the rec room on the bottom level was 17-18 yr old  guy standing there with a  knife trying to open the window.  I told him to leave now or I'll call the cops, and I remember him saying, I left something here I'm just here to grab it.  And we had a conversation! I said no you didn't, you've never been here, he said something about being at a party and leaving his bag here, and when I wouldn't budge he started banging on the window trying to break it and he said "You don't scare me, open the f*cking door". I bolted! I ran out the stairs and called for help.  The police just happened to be down the street from me, seriously like 5 doors down, with the dog (dog just had a run at the beach or something) so they heard it on the radio and that dog sniffed him out and found him 4 doors away in the backyard hiding in a compost bin. He told the police he was just hungry and wanted food.  But he was also known to police so he was taken away.

As an adult on my own my old Honda a.k.a. the Sin Wagon (I went through a big Dixie Chicks faze...lol) was broken into 2 times when I lived in Edmonton.  That's scary too, but now HALF as scary as your house. When someone is trying to break in and you stand there watching him, or see him spread eagle on the back of the police car as they remove weapons from his bag, that's shit stays with you.....forever.

I don't sleep well, never have.  And I really don't trust people. And there is no way I am letting some stranger into my home to wash my windows.  I can do it myself thanks. I was even questioning a man that came by a couple weeks ago selling home alarms.  He kept asking me personal questions that I kept refusing to answer and told him I wasn't interested, and he had the balls to tell me, well it's your safety lady. Patio homes are the #1 break in and an alarm would make you safer. He was too pushy for me. And I asked him to leave. But I am skeptical of these people, are they legit alarm company sellers, or are they casing the houses to see who they could break into.

So i'm always on high alert. always locking everything.  On the very few nights (last one was one believe it or not)   that the patio doesn't get the stick put back in, if I see it laying there in the morning I'm almost sick to my stomach with anxiety over the thought of what might have happened. 

I don't think I'll ever forget these terrifying days in my life. And I hope all of you reading this never have to go through this. Count yourself lucky, and please get sticks and locks for your homes!!