see there was this boy, and well, nothing happened!

I was talking to a friend yesterday about back in our pre-mommy days of how different our summers were, and we were having a pity party for two. But it got me thinking about what I am missing in my life. This has been my year of self discovery, in so many ways. Trying to get a handle on my health to be a better mother to live a long and healthy life to watch my kids grow up. That struggle is still there, but this post is for something different.

In order to lose the weight I want to, I have to heal my inside, my brain and my heart. There have been a lot of tears shed this year as I've been struggling to find out what I am missing, when it seems to the outside world like I have everything. Two healthy amazing kids, a house I own, and a man who puts up with my crazy....or else he's the one driving me there I'm not sure yet hahaha.

But inside i'm struggling with a few things, and losing Me, the girl who was always happy and giggly and smiling and wanted to have fun all the time.

When I think back to all the fun I have had for the past 20 summers or so, one thing comes to mind....freedom.  The freedom before I had kids was something I didn't appreciate.  Now before I go into this, please use your friggin' brain and know that I 100% love my children and am so happy to be a mother. This isn't about regret, this is about a woman who is struggling to find the girl who was always laughing and smiling and cracking people up. The girl who always wanted FUN. That doesn't mean I can't wish for the life I used to know. So with that, you may continue reading.

I remember so many summers where if I wanted to go do something, I just did it! I wanted to go tubing down the river, or swimming in the lake I called some friends and we just went.  Wanted to drive down Island go shopping and lunch at a non-kid-friendly restaurant and came home at anytime at night, I did.  I didn't have to be home by 8:30 to put my kids to bed like now. The hours and hours I spent talking to boys on the phone, and secretly planning my future with them while I doodled hearts and flowers all over the telephone book, the hundreds of times my girls and I went to the bars and drank it up, danced it up and flirted it up week after week.  The weekends spent on a friends boat whipping us around like rag dolls on tubes and drinking and flirting and holding extra long gazes at crushes when I thought no one was looking. hahaha i'm sure I was caught looking a few times though, my blush gives me away everytime. The camping trips and fishing on the lake, not a care in the world. The cuddle sessions that were never meant to be, and secret hand holding with a certain boy that I don't even think I ever told my bestie about to this day. The freedom to buy whatever new CD or pair of jeans I wanted, not thinking I wonder if I need diapers? Diapers before jeans now my friends! The barn dances, with my tightest jeans and cowboy boots and a top with just enough cleavage to get noticed and just enough slutty makeup to not be trashy, but just enough to feel incredible. Merritt Mountain music fest 1998.  The best weekend ever. So many memories, so much fun and I also left a tiny piece of my heart there...see there was this boy, and well, nothing happened.  Story of my friggin life! Oh well, I will still remember how much fun we had that weekend, not a care in the world except I hope i'm not too hung over tomorrow. The Dixie Chicks were there that year, and I believe my Honda Civic was named Sin Wagon shortly after that.  My little white Honda held so many memories, she drove me to Ontario with my brother, and then back home, and then back to Ontario, and then up to Edmonton where she started dying on me.  I should have taken that as a sign, a lot of my old me died in Edmonton. A big heartbreak, and life lessons were learned, friendships changed and drifted apart, but other ones came closer together.  I drove my Sin Wagon home from Alberta to here with no clutch, drove over the Coquihalla in 2nd gear the whole way, a shoestring holding the hood down, the driver's side door that wouldn't open (the bolts fell out as I opened it that morning I was moving away) and it was packed to the hilt with all my shit. All my stuff in a U-Haul with a giant sea turtle on it (that I had a dream about a sea turtle swallowing me up, and sexy firefighters coming to my rescue...the firefighters have still never come, sad to say) But I made it home. And it was a blast driving home with dear friends. To all the boys I was crushing on, and there were quite a few of you, thanks for never looking my way or even noticing me. All that rejection builds character, hahaha. And to the ones that took chances on me, thanks for breaking my heart over and over again. Took me awhile to learn what I needed too, but i'm still saying thank you. Some of you are still on my fb, that means I don't hate your guts ;)  You brought me to where I am today, and I still hold fond memories of certain ones. To all my girlfriends who did shots with me at the bar, and drank til we were on the floor laughing our asses off, thank you. I may not see all of you as much as I want to anymore, we all have kids and lives that keep us busy, but I hope you all still remember the fun we had.  It was always fun, and so much laughter and good times. And nothing but freedom from responsibility.

Now my weekends are filled with trips to the park and playing with the kids, running errands and wiping snotty noses. And I love it all, I really do.  I am so happy I got to have such a carefree wonderful twenties and got to really explore who I was.  But now that i'm in my late 30's, and I'm about to start a new adventure that will forever change my destiny, I can't help but think about all those memories that brought me to where I am today. A woman who is trying to find the balance of being free and fun and also responsible and scheduled.  It's a tough balance for sure.

But deep down inside my inner Goddess is screaming to be riding down the highway in a '69 Camaro with Skid Rock blasting "Summertime" on the stereo doing a high speed chase with nothing but Cherries and Berries in the rear view mirror, laughing my ass off with my best girlfriend.

She's in there somewhere...

So this summer when you are sitting on your couch thinking of what you are doing this weekend, think about what you are NOT doing that might be fun.  Time to get out more with friends and have girl nights and drinkies, and BBQ's and remember that it's ok to go out with no kids, and have a night "off", and not have to be home to put them to bed...the kids will survive for one night with you out having a good time. I would much rather my kids grow up knowing that their mom was happy and smiling and full of laughter, then sad and wishing there was more money, or more anything really.

Time to crank up the Skid Rock and enjoy the ride again...

Preschool

I just want to write about my Daughter's preschool for a minute. She is 4 and this is her first year I ever put her in a daycare/preschool type situation, I always had myself or her dad or my mother look after her...even when I went back to work when she was 10 months old (until her sister was born 2 years later). So back in September I was a nervous momma bear to say the least! And I cried, a lot! LOL

But there have been so many wonderful things that it has brought to her life, and for that I am grateful. One big thing is her self confidence. She suffers from anxiety and scares easily, but going to school has brought her out of her shell.  The little girl who wouldn't play at the park if there was even one other child there, is now running over and playing with total stranger kids. The little girl who was afraid to even look at a stranger nearby is now waving and saying hello to almost everyone...even when we are driving in the car if we stop at a light she starts waving to the cars beside her and I can see their smiles back to her....I secretly hope she's making someones day, a smile from a stranger is a beautiful gift to give. The little girl who had a speech level of a 2 year old is now so close to her age level, just doing some fine tuning at speech therapy to stretch out her sentences with little key words like, and, is, on, over, up, the, it etc. The little girl who was afraid of being on a swing, even as a baby she never let me turn her swing on, has now mastered them and can pump herself really high! The little girl who was terrified if a little boy came near her, is now flirting with them and telling me how cute they are (Lord help me now!). The little girl who stood and watched the class for the entire morning for a couple weeks until she was ready to mingle and play with the kids is now running into class barely saying bye to me and running to play with friends. The little girl who could barely do a smiley face, is now trying to complete the person by making a body, legs with shoes, arms with fingers, full face with 2 eyes, nose, mouth, ears, hair. The little girl who couldn't write one letter can now write her name, with a little help with the S, it's not super clear yet, but if I see those 4 letters on  a paper I know she has written her name. And trust me it's written all over this house! ;) As I watch her grow into this lovely little girl, I also notice her anxiety getting less and less each month.  The things that would terrify her before, she now has better life skills to cope with whatever is swirling around in her brain and has learned to work through her problems. There are hardly any tantrums, last year the smallest thing would send her into panic attacks to the point where I had to get down to her level and make her do deep breathing and centre herself and meditate with her to relax. I can't remember the last time she had a panic attack. And ALL WITHOUT medicating her!!  Meditation works so well for little kids, I wish more people would try it.

She has done one field trip to the Welcome Centre, and a little trip to the Firehall for an awards ceremony (she was sad she didn't get to go in the big truck!) And they raised salmon fry that they released back into the river, they currently have tadpoles that they are raising and also raised caterpillars to butterflies. They made their cocoons and hatched recently and they will release them before the school year ends. The things she is learning is wonderful, and things I wouldn't even think to do as a parent....I'm sorry but I'm not bringing caterpillars into my house LOL. The arts and crafts she's doing is probably her favorite. The painting and use of chalk and cutting and pasting, all things she needs to learn to prepare her for kindergarten. Plus just little things like learning to wait your turn, ask for things politely (which I am a firm stickler to manners in this house!), remembering to put her hat on before she goes out to play, sharing toys with others, joining in on the singing and dancing, and learning to listen to a grown up (teacher) other than her parents, and knowing when to go to them when she needs help with something instead of giving up.

There are so many more things she has learned from being at preschool, but where I was once nervous did I make the right decision to put her into the public school system, when I was 99% sure I was going to homeschool my children, I have to say it's the best thing I've ever done.  The things she has learned just from all the other kids and teachers, is something that I wouldn't have been able to teach her.  I still 100% support the homeschool or home learning path in life, I think it works for so many families and I've met some pretty amazing kids the past few years that all do it.  But I am so happy now with my decision to sign her up for preschool. Those little life skills that were harder for her than others, only got better from being exposed to other children on a consistent basis. The biggest skill is learning to leave my grasp.  Cutting the cord perhaps?? Allowing her the freedom to make her own choices, even at 4 years old, has matured her. Her confidence from going to school has improved everything in life, she never crawls into our bed at night anymore, she wants to wash herself in the bath or shower, she does her teeth brushing and hair ponytails with minimal help, she makes her own snacks, cooks one supper per week with our help, does more chores around the house, helps her sister get her shoes on, so many things I could write about.  I'm not saying we don't have bad days too, but I'm just so happy with how much she's matured and grown mentally and emotionally from a year ago.

I am so happy with her preschool and with her little group of classmates, they seem like they come from such wonderful families where the moms and dads are both so involved in their kids lives, and I've met some great parents who I can now call friends. If you were ever on the fence about preschool or worried about the cost, apply for subsidy if you need to and just jump in with both feet. By far the best parenting decision me and hubby have made thus far. And thank you to her wonderful teachers at school who she never stops talking about.  And to see her little face just beam with pride when she talks about her school and those wonderful ladies.

Baggy

I have droopy drawers!!!!!  WOOHOO!! I didn't think that would ever make me happy, but to know that 6 weeks of my hard and dedicated work is paying off! Hooray to baggy-bottom cargos! hahaha

Zumba has been cancelled due to spring break, but I still got my butt to the gym yesterday for a decent workout (arms are killing me today, too many weights, ugh) and I am back in the gym tomorrow morning around 10:30 if anyone else is going!! LOL  Trying to recruit people here! My friend L. is coming too, she's on holidays and we usually got to zumba together so because of spring break we are hitting the gym and getting out workouts done regardless!  Back to Zumba Saturday, I really have missed going!

Meal plans are getting easier. Basically eating no junk and more veggies. Just about weaned off pop, had a couple a week ago but i'm on a water kick now, to try to break that diet pop addiction, and already i'm not craving them anymore, but I can tell a big difference if I don't drink at least 8 glasses a day. I feel like a slug if I forget my water bottle when I go out driving the kids everywhere. I drink at every stop light, that helps get it in when driving!

But besides the baggy pants and some pounds lost, I don't think it's really enough for others to notice yet, I read on Pinterest it takes 4 weeks for you to notice, 8 weeks for your family and 12 weeks for the world. It's been 6 weeks, so we'll see in another 6 how I am looking. I notice a few body changes, but I am realistic to know that this is a very long road ahead of me, but i'm having fun on it, so that's a good thing!

Last night I donated blood again, been 56 days since the last time I did it, and with working out and meal plans under control my blood actually flowed so much faster than usual!  That's always good, I was in and out in an hour! (helped that there was soooo many no-shows so the line ups were short.) FYI tisk tisk for not showing up to save someone's life! A call to cancel would have been easier than all that staff waiting around for appt's that didn't show up. (my hairdressing years made me bitter for no-shows! haha)

Easter was lovely, spent the majority of the weekend out in the sunshine, a gorgeous 17 degree weekend!  Kids had fun at the Easter party doing bunny hop races and egg hunts, yummy treats and good times playing with friends. We all met almost 5 years ago now when we were all pregnant with our 1st babies, and have been forever friends since.  We try to get together for certain holidays and a few playdates in the summer, getting harder now that we've all had our 2nd babies and some back to work, everyone living in different parts of town, kids all in different preschools.  But when we have get togethers it's super fun. And so nice to see the kids all growing up together. I can't believe they are off to kindergarten next fall *tear*.

Well kids are napping, so I have time to read my book. I would read outside but the lawn man is out there and it's noisy...and that would mean i'd have to out my bra back on ;)  LOL

Have a wonderful healthy day xoxox

Does it matter?

One thing I've noticed since jumping on board the healthy choo-choo, is some people really have that need in them to know how much weight have I already lost. But my question to you is, does it matter?  Is there a magical number that would make you think oh ok she really IS doing this. What if it was only 5lbs in 6 weeks, what if it was 17.245 lbs?  Would any number matter?

I think since doing this for myself that the most important numbers so far are the ones coming down. Weight- down, Blood pressure- down, blood sugars- down.  But then there are things that are going up and I feel like those are just as important to my journey. Self respect- up, happiness- up, self-esteem- up, and the corners of my mouth- are turned up....WAY UP! :) 

This isn't just about numbers, of course numbers matter and I can't wait to hit big goals I have, but until then I'm also enjoying all those other "up's" that are making my life matter so much more and making my inner spirit soar.  I am finding happiness on this journey, something I really thought I already had with 2 beautiful little girls, but now I'm learning that being happy with who you are as a person inside is really the most important thing. Learning to not take crap from people who talk down to you, or talk bad about you when you are not around. (But that is YOUR issue not mine, and i'll keep on smiling as you make yourself look like an idiot) Knowing when to walk away and be proud of who you are and what you have achieved so far, and trying to be a better person every single moment of the day. I have been overwhelmed by the friends who have come to walk beside me in this journey and who give me the virtual high-five's over the internet and help me up when I stumble.  Who give me the inspiration to keep going after a rough day, and one's who are busting their buns working out during their hectic life schedules, just so we can compare sweaty workouts! 

I am finding out so much more about me, and the people I am surrounding myself with, that is the biggest gain so far. Learning to not be afraid to reach out for help when I have a fitness or foodie question, reading and learning as much information as I can to improve my body, mind and spirit. And not being afraid to allow myself to just be me.  Just be the person I want to me, no excuses, no lies, just love.

I faced my fear and went in the gym...with machines...and people ;)

So today I hit the gym with a friend.  9:30am on a Sunday.  I was pumped and ready to face my fear of the ACTUAL gym, not just the part we do zumba classes in.  I didn't really know what to even do once I got there, but lucky for me I went with someone who has hired a PT before and had knowledge of the machines. 

Some might roll their eyes at me for being gym-dumb, but honestly....read the rest of my blog working out was never my thing before!  But this last month I have changed my life....and seeing results on so many levels...and pounds are coming off!

I started out on the treadmill. Nice safe place to begin I thought.  I did 25 mins on it at a speed of 4.4, no incline, thinking You Go girl!  Getting my sweat on!!  I was starting to suck wind a little bit by the 20 mins mark, and my legs were burning, then I look over to see this lady running like a freaking gazelle...really???  4.4 wasn't so impressive anymore.  But i'll get there.  Baby steps here.  Then it was off to the rowing machine....how hard could that be?  Holy moly, my thighs were like wobbly pops by 4mins....it's funny now thinking about it, and I loved that machine, but I need to work up to that one. again...baby steps. haha  Then we did an arm press...maybe it was called a lateral press, maybe it wasn't, either way I did 3 reps of 10 at the lightest weight. I could feel the burn in my arms but next time I might try a tiny bit more weight and go from there. (and maybe i'll read what the machine is called next time too) Then we did the bike.  I was wanting to do 15mins but my thighs were shaking like jello molds and I thought they might fall off, so I made it to 8mins I think and I was done. But you know what, it was just close to an hour at the gym...and that is 1 hour more than i've done in 10 years, so I am still pretty happy.  And it will only get easier, and I'll try more machines later. Back to zumba this week, and maybe the gym again next Sunday we shall see.  It didn't scare me off so that's a good thing!

I am loving my fitness pal app for my phone to monitor my food diary, that has been a handy tool this week too. And water, water, water. I miss pop so much and I miss chocolate, but I'm surviving and loving how I feel and also notice my sleeping has improved, no more insomnia, imagine that ;)  I'm too tired from working out to have insomnia, hahaha. 

And the best part of working out at the gym, no one even cared what size I was, or that I was a beginner.  Another fear checked off my list!! :)  Have a wonderful healthy day!!

why hello there again

So I'm happy to report that for the past 3 days my blood pressure is down to 127/86 and a few hours after exercising it's 124/84, so that makes me smile!!! Exercise is working...imagine that!

Meals are going OK.  I'm not snacking on junk, it's removed from the house and I haven't hit up a drive-thru in a long time....except for my roll up the rim to win and it made me sick for HOURS that night, never again.  Unless it's tea I can't do those latte's anymore, not worth being sick.  And not worth the calories it takes me to burn it off! I am NOT an exercise professional but I am guessing I burn 600-ish calories at zumba, 60 mins but maybe more I have no clue, this is just what My Fitness pal says to me on the app :) But I am happy to say I have already gone twice this week and plan on going again Saturday.  I am looking into another fitness option, but from what I can tell I am not sure if I can budget that since I don't work at the moment.  Which bums me out a little bit that money is holding me back.  But it is something I will FOR SURE join as soon as we can afford it. For now the zumba punch cards are working me out good! But I am hoping to join a boot camp sooner rather than later to kick it up a notch.

There is so much to learn about calories in.  No, I should say GOOD calories in.  I tracked my food today and stayed around the 1600 mark and was pretty proud of myself, until I did the pie chart option it offers and realized 40% of my day was from fat.  That sounds horrible! 22% protein and 38% carbs. So I think I need to work harder on my meals. Obviously I can't lose what I want eating like that, regardless if its hitting my target calorie count each day.  GOSH, SO MUCH TO LEARN!!!  My next boyfriend better be a personal trainer....and a mechanic....and a chiropractor....haha I'm kidding, my man is just fine!! I tease because I love!

Anyhooter, it's been interesting to learn all this stuff, but I feel like I've just scraped the top of my mountain and I really need to learn so much more.  But I will, and I am!  This is a new lifestyle, I can't expect it to happen overnight....but if the skinny fairies want to pay me a visit tonight while i'm sleeping i'll take a size 6 body please ;)

I get it

I've always considered myself a smart girl. But when you have a light bulb moment and then everything falls into place...mentally....it really rocks your world. I have known how healthy eating and exercise is really the key to a happy life, but it never really clicked in my head until now. And I mean CLICKED. Facing my fears of the gym and working out has completely changed my life. Completely. Yes I was afraid of the gym, afraid of what people would think of the fat girl working out in there, afraid I would get all sweaty (sad but true) and afraid that someone I knew from my past would see me in a gym. I kid you not, I had a fear of the gym.

Let me start and apologize to anyone in the past who ever talked to me about fitness and I rolled my eyes at you. Because I can be a  bitch and I'm pretty sure I did that, so for that I am sorry. I think (for me) that if I scoffed it off or rolled my eyes or did the big sigh as you were telling me about how much you worked out, it was my own personal insecurities with my body. But when you are down on yourself, and looking for that miracle quick fix  you don't want to hear about it....especially from that already skinny girl. These thoughts used to go through my head...'yeah right she can eat anything she wants what a bitch. Stop preaching to me I LIKE my curves. Go eat a hamburger and call me when you have more than 5 lbs to lose.'  What a horrible person I was for even THINKING these thoughts about someone.  Now that I've gotten off my big fat ass and put the hours into working out with zumba I honestly appreciate every "skinny girl's" body so much more now. Some people are genetically thin, I'm not talking about those lucky bastards ;) hehehe... I'm talking about the ones that passed on the weekly fast food runs at work, the daily latte runs,  their veggies and dip with movie night instead of the baked cheesey delicious dip I would bring. There is a reason they CHOSE to not buy those things and eat them and they had good reason to exercise til they are dripping in sweat...not just until they were glistening...they wanted to be fit.  They wanted to wear those size 6 or whatever you think is your ideal size jeans and rock them! The hours it takes to burn off calories is something I'm still learning, but when my lightbulb finally clicked on, my world has forever been changed.

I have been going to zumba for 3 weeks now I think. I have lost weight, but that's for me to share later when I hit a big goal. But I'm being real here....the pounds are melting away already!  What really made me happy this week is my blood pressure. The first week of February I went to donate blood with the Canadian blood services like I do every 6 weeks, and they had to take my BP 3 times because my BP was 151/101. They will not take your blood if the bottom number is over 100. So finally on the 3rd attempt it was 99. I barely qualified to donate.  And as I laid there giving blood I thought....who the hell wants my fatty blood? I can barely even donate something to help another person because I treat my body like a dump. I drank all the Coke and pop i could drink, crystal light by the litres weekly, junk food, fast food.  All processed crap.  And I laid there thinking, what if a person who works out everyday, eats healthy and does everything right, needed my blood? I'm just passing on to that healthy person my bad blood. It really bothered me.  So thats' when I emailed my dear friend L and asked her if she still goes to the gym and if I can join her...I was ready.  That's when she introduced me to the world of zumba.  (Zumba is not for everyone, but finding YOUR fave things to workout is what matters)  At the 2 weeks mark of going I weighed myself to see a lower number (YAY ME!!) but the cherry on top was I took my blood pressure.  It was now 124/91.  In 2 weeks!! I still want it lower, but that was such amazing results already that what I am doing it working.  Less sugar, Less salt, NO aspartame drinks, NO pops (except a treat on weekends --weaning myself off), and MORE EXERCISE.  It's such a simple formula for success and wellness. But it just didn't "click" in my head before now. And I am so grateful that I am young enough to get my body back to what it should be and become a better person and a positive role model for my girls.

They will always look to me for inspiration and motivation and if I am sitting on the couch eating....so will they.  And I want them to have the best life they can have, so yes I am doing this for me first, but also I am doing this to be the best example to them of how to love yourself.

I know this is just the beginning of my new adventure and I have a very long bumpy road ahead of me, but I have to start somewhere.  I have to surround myself with friends who want to encourage me and still be proud of me if I have a  bad day and know that tomorrow I start again. I have to be on Pinterest pinning inspiration so I am surrounded by it. I have to talk about it, I have to read it, think it, live it. This HAS to be my new life because I've lived my entire adult life overweight, and I'm tired. Tired of complaining about it.  Tired of shopping in the plus sized stores.  Tired of looking bad in family photos. And just tired of letting myself down over and over. 

If you've never struggled with an addiction before you might not understand why I ever let myself go, but if it's food, drugs, booze whatever your addiction is, it was to mask or hide from something. But when you finally wake up and see things clearer and realize it's not worth it, but YOU ARE WORTH IT, you will forever be changed.

Now another fear...post this to let  friends read or not.....

Zumba report #1

So I survived my very 1st ZUMBA fitness class.  Keep in mind I haven't done a fitness program or hit the gym in almost 9 years. The most exercise I do is walks with my kids (who are small, so they walk slooooowwwww and look at every rock and bird that goes by) and that is about it.  I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle 60 mins of it, but I did!!!  The dance steps are so much harder than I thought, looks so easy on TV ;)  But I am so happy I went.  And when my body doesn't ache so badly I will go again in a  few days. I was surprised how many ladies I knew there!  There had to be 50 or more people in that gym, it was packed....and hot!  but so much fun, I loved the music and I loved that I was taking care of myself. I should measure my body and weigh myself and then in 3 months of going check again. Might be fun to see the results on paper.  I did sweat enough that my clothes were soaked.  But I honestly can't wait to go again!!  Time to put my health first...so my girls can be proud of me.

Zumba

Well this week I start going to ZUMBA. I am really excited to dance my tushie off, i'm not going to lie!!  I needed something, cutting out my treats isn't an option yet because they are yummy...no other reason. So I contacted a friend about hitting the gym, and she said she's been going to ZUMBA for a few months now and has lost almost 40lbs!!  whaaa??????  Crappy friend I am, we obvi haven't seen each other in awhile! So tuesday night she's picking me up and we are getting my Zumba cherry popped!  I am hoping that if I go a  few times a week, I too will drop some pounds......and of course I should lay off the chips. *but they are sooo yummy!*
So now I'm pinning zumba inspiration stories and watching it on you tube videos.....and what comes to mind first....where can I buy those cute pants the girls are wearing?  Gee I sound so serious about losing weight don't I?  But I honestly do want those pants!! ;)  that could be a goal, drop a large chunk of weight and buy myself a prezzie. I'll keep ya posted!!!