No friends

I think I'm lonely. First off let me say that my 2 yr old is the light of my life and I love her to pieces. I'm talking about my inner feelings as a woman.  I have a loving man in my life, who for over 6 years has loved me for every mood swing I threw at him.  That's not the kind of lonely I'm talking about.

I am talking about friendships. I guess I thought when I would have a baby that I would be so busy with playdates and hanging out with my friends and their kids, but the reality is we are all so busy with our schedules that I find myself alone alot.

This is something I'm not used to.  My whole life I was very blessed to have lots of friends, any day of the week I could call some people and lunch plans would be made or a night out or a coffee date.  And now I find myself pencilling someone onto my calender for a week or two in advance. With all the therapy appointments for my child to help her be up to speed in development as the other kids, and my one day a week I tried to save for some time with my mum, and working 2 days a week, I don't end up with a lot of extra time for friends.  But I also don't have my phone ringing off the hook either.

I knew my friendships were changing when I first had my baby and that year I was off on maternity leave I can count the few people who called me to say Hi or lets have coffee. I tried to make myself available thinking then others can come see the baby too, but I was saddened that I was alone so much and not many people wanted to come visit me. So alot of self-reflecting came into play and asking myself...were these people really my friends? It was much easier to email back then since having the phone ring all the time would have woken the baby, but I didn't get alot of that either. I could have tried harder myself, but I was so tired from being up all night and days and weeks would go by before I had a moment to think of calling or visiting anyone.  I tried to keep busy with baby & mommy groups and get out there and meet women who were walking down the same life path as me.  And I found some great ladies who I see once in awhile. But I don't know any of them well enough for them to call me, or me to call them.  I didn't have that click that happens when you meet someone and you just are instant best friends. Maybe I give off a bad vibe to people...I have no idea. That's what i'm trying to figure out these days.

Why don't I have friends that hang out with me more than every few months?  I am not writing this so anyone says Oh you're silly I'm your friend.  I know I have a ton of acquaintances, and people on my social network who give me fantastic advise on baby issues and laugh at my status updates.  I mean the friends like I had when I was a bit younger. The ones that know you inside and out and know the real me.  I still have contact with those ladies, not as often as we all want i'm sure.  But that seems to be life.  Life just seems to happen, and days go by and then it's another month and before I know it, 6 months go by and we're still saying Oh we should have coffee!  I don't even know what I want when I write this. It's not like I can ask someone to be my new buddy.  It would have happened by now.  I think I just have to get used to this new phase in life where my life is my child, my man and our happiness as a little family. He is always telling me I'm your friend you don't need anyone else.  But he's a guy who is very shy and likes to be alone. I was always an extrovert and had lots of people around me.  And who knows, maybe even back in those pre-baby days people who I thought was a friend wasn't really. And it's only now that the true ones are shining through.

I guess this is my new lesson i'm trying to figure out. How to like this next phase of life and embrace it. Enjoying the few days here and there when I do get some good friend time.  I can't be the only new mom who feels this way.  And I know as I go through life and put my little girl in dance classes and clubs and sports that I will meet some friends who are going through this same toddler stage I'm in, and I'll meet some great people.  But until then it's definately a different feeling I'm dealing with.