Sleep

So I don't think I've slept a full night sleep since the day I found out I was pregnant, almost 3 years ago. From that night on I worried every night if the baby was ok.  Then it just got to difficult in the 3rd trimester to get comfortable to sleep, and even if I found that sweet spot on the bed, and got into the zone....she would start kicking the crap out of me. Of course it goes without saying that once she was born 2 years ago I couldn't sleep much.  Not that I didn't want to...oh I wanted to, but newborns generally only sleep for 2-4 hours at one time if you're lucky!  And then I was also up every 3 hours round the clock pumping. I was soooo bagged by the time she was 2 months old I tell ya!

But then it just got to be the "norm" to lightly sleep.  That way I could always hear her if she was choking, breathing funny, crying, needed milk, wanted to snuggle. Anything really. I am engaged to a man who is deaf in one ear, and sleeps on the good ear so he doesn't hear anything and he can get his full 9 hours a night in.  Awww muffin, so hard done by.  9 freakin hours....every night. He has no idea what I would do for just ONE night of 9 solid straight hours of sleep. But I have to be honest, it's not like my daughter is up all night.  those days are long gone. She's been sleeping through the night 10-12 hours for almost a year now. It's me. But with him putting his good ear to the pillow I always think what if he doesn't hear the baby IF she wakes up, I better not sleep too deep or I won't hear her. (my house is teeny, i'm sure I would)

I cannot shut my brain off.  Wondering if she ate enough that day, if I need groceries or stuff for the house, what to make for supper the next day, what kinds of clients I will have at work (yes I work part time) what on earth I will wear to work every weekend since all my clothes are outdated and a little snugger...must have shrunk them ;) Gosh that alone can stress a lady out. My mind wanders off to planning a wedding that seems to never happen, stressing about normal household things, wondering if I just heard a noise outside, or maybe the baby is stirring in her sleep and kind of crying/dreaming...will she fully wake up? My mind never stops running.  If my body ran as much as my mind I would be a smokin hot size 4 I swear! Alas, I am not. 

So this is my night.  Every night.  Sitting here drinking my sleepytime tea hoping that tonight it will slow down the brain and just go to sleep. Its rare if I ever fall asleep before 2am, I usually see the clock turn 3:30, 4:30 etc, and then i'm up by 7:30am. Some days I am fortunate enough to steal a nap with her, and honestly when she's beside me sleeping and we are pressed forehead to forehead and she's breathing on my face, those are my BEST sleep sessions. Even if it's for an hour, I feel so amazing when we wake up like it was the best sleep I've ever had.  I don't know if it's the snuggle with my baby, or its knowing that she's so close I will hear her if she needs me, or the comfort of having her close to me. And yes it's usually forehead to forehead that she prefers.  And almost everytime I doze off I wake up, open my eyes and find her staring at my eyeballs, and once I fully open my eyes, with her soother in her mouth, she smiles so big, so happy that her mommy is snuggling. And she always reaches over and hugs my neck so tight, and it just melts my heart. Who knows how long she spends staring at me.  I'm sure she's memorized every single freckle on my nose and every eyelash in place. We don't get to nap together very often.  Most days she goes to her crib and thats when I can get my house cleaning done.

But I have forgotten how to relax and just go to sleep. Let my mind go and trust myself enough that I would hear her if she needs me in the night. To go to bed and enjoy those 7-8-9 hours of sleep. Even on nights where I work the next day i'm averaging 3-5 hours of sleep. So not good.  I'm going to age myself quicker, no wonder I have so much grey hair.

I need to figure this out because i'm just so tired. I am mentally so exhausted and phyically drained from years of not sleeping. I'm not into taking pills or drugs unless I absolutely have to. So I dont want to tell my doctor because she'll prescribe something.  I want to do it naturally if I can. Sleepytime tea doesn't work.  Yes I feel relaxed, but once I get off of here, and lay down my mind will start a circus act.

Sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep the night.