struggles

So anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything for my sweet baby girl. She is the reason I get up and smile every single morning and count myself as the luckiest lady in all the land to have such a beautiful sweet girl. But this past year hasn't been so great for me as a mother.  I feel like a failure almost everyday because no matter how hard I try, or how many therapy appointments I take her to, I can't get her to walk by herself. Or now talk. It seriously has brought me to tears thinking about all the 2 year old she used to hang with and how much fun they have running and playing at the beach, or the parks and knowing that my little girl spent her summer sitting on the ground or in my arms. And I think if one more person tells me "oh all kids learn at their own pace" one more time, I might snap. She's 2 now and will walk for a bit holding my hand, but its never a long stretch, maybe across a parking lot, or down the hall, and then she wants to sit again and just crawl. We have done physical therapy since she was 4 months old, every 2 weeks, starting with a neck problem she had, then it turned to her not crawling, then not walking.  Which then spiraled into child development coming to see us every other week to help her with speech and fine motor skills.  Which I must say she's excelled at the fine motor skills...speech not so much. From that came a long awaited Occupational therapy every week.  By the end of July it had been so many months of therapy that I just about snapped on them and said enough, please let us have August off from all therapy. I just needed a break to clear my head and let her be a kid with no therapy appointments. They all agreed that momma needed the break more than anyone.

So I thought I would try chiropractic care for her.  We went 3 times and I must admit 2 days before her 2nd birthday she stood up and walked across the living room all by herself....a couple times. But then not many steps the rest of the week, and certainly not when anyone else was around but her mommy & daddy. After her first chiro appt she was walking so much around the living room that night, I thought this is great!!  But of course the 2nd & 3rd visit to the doctor wasn't so good.  My daughter screamed, terrified it would hurt and kept saying "owie, owie, owie" when the chiro doc was trying to adjust her.  That was all I needed to hear to end all visits.  I'm not going to force my 2 yr old to go to chiro when alot of grown men I know won't even go!  But I was willing to try anything to get her to walk.  Even the chiro said there was nothing structurally wrong with her hips or legs. 

I have done everything I can possibly think of to encourage her that walking is more fun than crawling.  Her poor legs are covered in bruises from crawling over every toy and object in the way.  She's part monkey the way she climbs up everything and jumps off couches onto her daddy laying on the floor. So I know it's not fear anymore.  But i'm at a loss.  I'm dreading September when the therapists start calling us again and scheduling more appointments. I just want her to be "normal" like other kids.  I feel so bad for her that she might be missing out on things that a 2 yr old gets to experience.  And I'm left all alone as a mother with little support except the occasional "oh dont worry she will soon, she'll be up and running in no time!"  People just have no idea the pain I go through everyday waiting for her to figure it out and do it. I have never met another mommy or daddy that has ever gone through this.  What 2 yr old doesn't walk? I know if I search for it online of course there's tons of stories.  But I could write a story, it's not the same as going through that experience and knowing the pain and frustration and the social stigma this puts on her. It makes her different.  And I dont think parents ever want that for their child.  

And now we're working on her speech.  She hardly says anything, a handful of words 20 I think. And up to 30 signs....but I really dont think she's remembering them all anymore.  She just points and grunts and the occasional word comes out and surprises us, like the other day she said diaper to her daddy, clear as day. And she will not call me mommy anymore.  I'm now da-da. Or a grunt. She plays with her toys and makes up songs and babbles all day long, but I have no idea what she's saying.  We've had her hearing tested 2 times. And her eyesight 2 times. (for the walking) and she comes back perfect in each one. She seems to have little interest in speaking.  She's a very quiet girl for the most part, very shy around strangers.

I just keep beating myself up everyday thinking did I do something wrong when I was pregnant?  Am I doing something wrong now?  I read to her, we sing everyday, we play, we colour, we go to the park, we go for walks, we have done TONS of playdates, we go shopping, we watch cartoons, we go swimming, we go visit friends, we go to the beach, and yes we walk and walk and walk around this house.  I've exposed her to my whole life and everyone important to me.  But with this no walking and no talking business you can see how upset I can get at myself. 

I don't like to fail.  I always try to do the best I can in any situation.  But this one has smacked me on my butt and I just don't know what else to do. I want the very best for her, I always have. I just go to bed every night praying that she will just do it tomorrow. That she will find crawling sucks and just stand up and go.

I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not looking for advice or tips by this, i'm just a momma who needed to finally get it all out, instead of bottling it up inside. And I'd like to stop blaming myself...