I'm 37

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I turned 37 years old yesterday. I feel 23, seriously!  My life isn't where I want it to be, so now it's time to rewrite my life story. Time to change lanes I think. Not that I have a bad life, I know I have two beautiful little girls now, I am talking about inner personal goals I've been pushing to the side for many years, almost afraid of TRYING to reach for them. I woke up with a little more clarity than normal, and I said no to the coffee...we'll see in 3 hours if that was a good decision or not hahaha.

Happy New Year 2012

Happy new year, I wish you health and happiness for this year!!

I have had no time to write. well, ok i've had lots of time to tend to my castle and other games on my fave social media site, but thats just something to pass the time when i'm watching tv. (yes I prefer to be doing 2 things at once)

So here is my new years resolutions...i don't normally make them, but I NEED to this year:

1. NO MORE POP!  I drink 2 cans a day, so thats it....no more!! Not even diet!
2. Lose 5 lbs.  Here's my theory. If I say lose 40+lbs like I want to lose and then I don't...i'll beat myself up over it and be sad.  However, if I aim for 5lbs....then another 5lbs....and so on, I think that's more achievable!
3. be more patient with my family. I'm so tired these days and just cant sleep at night anymore, so i am not as nice as I used to be these past few weeks.
4. TRY to sleep at night! Seriously its becoming a problem.....even though my 6 month old baby sleeps the night from midnight-8am, I for some reason cannot.
5. Scrapbook!!  I made a nice first year Scrapbook for my oldest daughter, now the baby is 6 months old, and I have to get going on hers.  Plus I think the one night a week creative outlet will be good for my soul, and allow some quiet ME time.

Hopefully I can find the energy and thought process to write here more. Even when no one is reading it, it makes me feel good to put it out into the universe.

Balance

I gave birth to my 2nd daughter 2 months ago. I will blog about that another time.  At this moment I felt like talking about balance in my life...or lack there of some days.

Anyone who has ever told me "oh 2 kids is a breeze" flat out lied to my face. Don't get me wrong, I am madly in love with both my children, but juggling everything that needs to be done is for professionals....and I should have gotten more training!

I think the hardest part of having a 3yr old and a 2 month old  is how do I, on a DAILY basis, make special time for my first born? She is the most patient child in the universe. (a trait she did NOT get from her mother) She has sat on the couch eating dry cereal and drinking a sippy cup of milk many mornings while waiting for her baby sister to finish feeding...since mommy can't sit at the table and eat breakfast properly with her anymore. You know, with an actual spoon and milk IN the bowl....too messy for the couch, so sippy cups and dry cereal it is! Or toast. My couch, FYI, is desperately needing a shampoo this weekend!

Now this might sound like child labour with what I'm about to say, or as daddy calls it: "earning her keep". But I've made chores a fun thing. When there is laundry to be folded she is in charge of all tea towels.....even putting them away for me. She also fills up the toilet paper holder when its empty.....much appreciated. I get her to help unload the dishwasher, plastics only, and she puts them away after drying them with her tea towels, since plastic is never dry coming out of the DW....ever notice that? Weird. She has her very own Swiffer duster, that I change the fluffy thing weekly, and she dusts as high as she can reach. Such a helpful little lady. But if I don't get her to help me with these things I feel like we never spend any time alone together anymore. The newborn sucks up 98% of my time now.......which used to be 1st born's time!

I am happy to say there is no jealousy...yet. But I'm finding it tough to find those spare minutes in the day when the baby is asleep and we can have a moment together. Last week I asked my mother to babysit the baby so I could take love-child #1 grocery shopping with me. Another chore that needed to get done....but she thought she was helping me and she got to hold the list and shake every boxed good and slam it into the cart.....note to self never give her the taco kit or lasagna noodles!

Gone are our weekly craft days or leisurely strolling through Walmart. Everything is rushed, hurry before the baby wakes! I just want to find balance somehow to still give her all the attention she craves. Also to bring more fun back into her routine. I'm sure this will get easier as the newborn stops feeding every 3 hours and she can sit in a neglect-a-baby toy, you know those exersaucers...totally buying one for this kid!!

And after cooking Breakfast, Lunch & Supper, doing laundry, floors swept/mopped, vacuuming,  bathroom, toys picked up, appointment's gone to, a daily shower for me, groceries bought, toddler playtime, baby tummy time, collecting all garbages, and also trying to stage my house so we can sell it soon and move into a bigger one...maybe, just maybe there will be time for me to get my haircut.

But I wouldn't change anything....well ok, more money would be nice. Why aren't mothers paid again?

Bummer

So I wasn't going to blog about this day today. I thought it's too hard maybe I'll forget and MAYBE no one will ask me about it.  But of course my friends are already asking....and since I blog about the good, I have to also blog about the bad reality of life too sometimes.

So today was my diabetic meeting at the hospital. I have Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy and was told last month to change the foods I eat and start taking my blood samples 4 times a day, track it and get my sugars under control.  I thought I had this thing beat. I have lost about 11lbs now (30 weeks pregnant) and my numbers the first couple weeks were awesome!  I didn't cheat, I was at the TOP of the safe range, but still in the safe zone so I thought cool, I am beating this!!  But the past 3 weeks I was very sick, vomiting, coughing, the whole bit. So my food plan was mostly crackers and soup. I hardly tracked my blood sugar since I could hardly eat anyways. But last week when I felt better I started tracking my numbers and noticed even if I ate well, my number was still above average and I just couldn't get them under the safe range. But in my head I was thinking "oh i'm just a LITTLE above average".  So I thought I was handling this ok.  I did have a couple days where I had cheats, a chinese food night, an ice cream night, stuff like that.  But I recorded it and was honest about it, and told my Dietitian about it today.

She said she understands I cheated, to go from a sugar filled/junk filled diet to the Canada's food guide almost no sugar cold turkey is alot to ask of someone. So she totally understood the craving for bad foods....in moderation.  But thats not what alarmed her.  It was my early morning blood sugars after fasting all night while sleeping, they were too high in the morning, and week after week climbing higher. She patterned my results and said they are slowly increasing as the weeks go on, and that since I have 10 weeks left I could be in serious trouble soon. So she told me the news I was dreading to hear.  I have to go on insulin til the end of the pregnancy. I feel like a complete failure. I didn't cry in the office, how I managed that I have no idea...I cry at everything!!  But I held it together and listened to her advice. I asked her can I please have 2 more weeks to try harder and eat even better?  She said no, you are doing so wonderful, you are completely getting this and changing the diet and she reminded me this isn't my fault.  It's my pancreas.  It is fighting me even with every veggie I eat and no sugar product I drink the pancreas is winning. My body just can't process sugar this pregnancy.  Even the sugar in bran flakes, and whole wheat bread, it is just not working out. So I have to go on insulin probably next week. Not sure how much until the doctor talks to me. I have to inject it into my tummy 2-4 times a  day depending what he thinks is needed for me. This was the one thing I didn't want to happen. 

But I didn't understand, I thought if I was eating so good, and such smaller portions....why isn't this working? So she told me that after week 28-30-ish until week 37 my body is crazy flowing with hormones for this growing baby. And the baby is fully developed and just packing on fat now so it needs all my fat and sugar to get big and strong and healthy for birth.  And no matter how good I eat, some women's pancreas just cant handle the food you're eating and cant keep up with the insulin that I need.  If I don't go on it, the baby could be at risk for so many problems, and it will up my chances for a horrible delivery. (which I have already experienced once before and never want again)

So I left feeling defeated and bummed out. But i've had some time to process it all, and I know this is for the best. She did tell me she had 3 pregnant ladies in her clinic yesterday all on insulin this pregnancy as well. So it reminded me that i'm not alone in this, alot of women have this problem. I will still have to eat healthy, insulin doesn't give me a free pass for junk again, but it will give me more room if I want a little extra spaghetti I won't have to worry as much about my sugar levels, to eat to nourish this baby and myself. Where as now I find myself thinking I better eat a small supper so my sugars don't rise.  And then i'm hungry later. Thats why I'm not gaining weight because really, i'm dieting and limiting myself.  And she doesn't want me to do that...the baby needs the food too. So I guess this is for the best, as crappy as it makes me feel. The good news is once I deliver the baby there's a very good chance this is over.  But I'll still have to be careful so later in life I don't get it permanently.

Today's the day

So today was my 1st meeting since first meeting the Diabetic ladies at the hospital, to assess my progress. They gave me 2 weeks to get my crap together and cut out the sugar, test and record my blood 4 times a day and get my sugars under control....or else I get put on insulin.  Lets just say, yes I was nervous today. I knew from all the research I was doing that i was in range MOST of the time. About 1/3 of my results in 2 weeks were a little too high, but I could always pinpoint why, either I ate some grapes, or sugary fruit, or cheated and had A&W one time. (my body needed a teen burger!!!  LOL)

The dietitian and the Diabetic councillor thought I did a fantastic job! So much so that they said I can now take my blood every OTHER day now, as long as I exercise a little more. But they were not too happy I lost 9lbs (i was super happy!) but they don't want me losing weight while pregnant, especially not while I 'm heading into the 3rd trimester...the baby needs calories!  So they asked me to increase my veggies and fruit. I told them fruit makes my sugar spike, so they said on lunches I eat fruit, get up right after and walk or dance or something for 20 mins and then test my sugar and It'll be ok. So I'll try that all this week. They were so impressed by my "hard-core" approach to this and they can tell I am making such amazing changes and they were so happy for me. They read my food diary and said I really need to eat more, I am about 1400 calories a day now, (down from 2500 or so), so they asked me to get it up to 1800, the baby needs it and so do I. I have been feeling hungry by nighttime so they said eat more for breakfast and lunch. So i'll take their advise, I'm ok to eat more!! heeheehee

So I go back again in 3 weeks, (have to email them Easter monday with how I get through this weekend's temptations) and then in 3 weeks they go over everything again and see how I'm doing. I feel so good about myself for tackling this and really educating myself on the damage I was doing to my health with all the sugars and high fat foods. I really hope to continue this even after the baby is born and I no longer have GD, plus I will be breastfeeding so i will want to be healthy for the baby's nourishment and growth.  And if I drop a tonne of weight you won't hear me complaining!!!

GD week 2

OK so i'm on week 2 of following a diabetic type meal plan for my Gestational Diabetes. So far I'm doing good, great I think.  My blood sugar levels have come way down, and I'm noticing small things like 10 grapes throws my sugars into a frenzy, yet a fresh pear today was ok. Just learning all the glycemic scales of different foods have me fascinated.  I'm probably driving my close friends and family crazy with all my sugar talk, but its my new life now....even after this baby pops out I'm going to continue this healthy way.

So its been 2 weeks and I have to say, I have not had heartburn ONCE....until tonight. I was craving sugar really badly, so my man made me a tea and put 2 sugars in it, and I had a few grapes and a granola bar. Now I have heartburn.  Something I have suffered this whole pregnancy with every single night.  So back to no sugar for me. (or LESS sugar at one sitting) Back to tea with 1 sugar and no more grapes.  They seem to really make my blood sugar go sky high. Apples and Pears for me now!

I'm am learning, and sharing for those who are interested.  For those thinking, enough already I don't care, then that's ok, i'm not trying to preach, but 2 weeks ago when my life was forced to change I've really had to change everything. And I am so happy my man is supportive of this. He misses sugars too, and I'm sure he grabs the odd pop at work, but at night we no longer have chocolate bars and pop and chips before bed. Popcorn has been something we've come to enjoy, or toast with PB and our tea!  And I'm not saying I'll never eat chocolate again...Heck, on the way home from delivering this baby I plan on making a pit stop to my fave donut place....believe me!! But I love this new way we are trying to live. And I'm enjoying finding all these high sugar foods, I feel like I'm uncovering a secret society. Most low-fat foods are high in salt and sugar to make up the taste.....so it's made me make wiser choices when buying food for the family.

I'm learning here.....and so far I'm liking it all. And dropping weight has been nice too! Not that i'm supposed to lose weight while prego, but if I cut out sugar it's bound to happen!
I'll keep ya posted....

I'm coming out of the sugar pantry

I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes.

I am 6 months pregnant now and my life has hit a wall with this news. Shocked? yes a little.  But I did it to myself so I haven't yet asked Why me????  I KNOW why me.  It's called sugar-addiction.

I failed all 3 blood tests. You only have to fail 1 to be GD.  So I met today with 2 dietitians and Diabetic counselors. They were wonderful!!!  I have to prick my finger after my 3 meals a day and record my numbers. I have to pee on a stick first thing every morning and I HAVE to start exercising and changing my diet....in a major, major way.  If I can't get it under control in only 2 weeks, I will be put on insulin.  Now THAT scares me. I had no idea I had done this much damage to my body, but now that i've been reflecting for 3 days since I found out this bad news, I know why it happened to me. I love sugar.

My whole adult life I have struggled with my weight. Been so self-conscious of how I look and what people think of me when they see me walking down the street with my hot sexy man.  I always felt they were thinking, why is he with her?  Well for one main reason he's with me...I'm totally awesome! And we are besties and have a blast together. But I am aware of my size, I know what the scale says and my clothing size. I'm not a complete idiot. 

But my sugar addiction is strong. I love my pop everyday, my Latte's, sugary drinks, and chocolate!  Oh man Easter is coming and no chocolate bunny for me :(  I cant even think about it or I'll cry....I'm a  newbie at this healthy shit, It'll take some time to adjust.

So the ladies showed me how to use my clicker/pricker thingy and how to record it all. I have to email my results weekly to the hospital and every 2 weeks meet with them to review and ask more questions. So I was happy they are taking good care of me.  They spent well over an hour teaching me how to read labels, what foods to eat, to always eat a protein with every meal and snack I put into my mouth. And to get off my lazy fat ass and go for a walk.  I do not exercise at all, so now I HAVE to. No excuses!  I can't go on insulin!!

So when I got home tonight my man and I started reading the labels of foods we eat here at home.  here;s what we found.  OK 5g of sugar on the label = 1 tsp of sugar. 
1 YOP drinkable yogurt= 26g sugar (5 tsp!!) (the same as drinking half a Pepsi)
1 500ml Dr. Pepper= 52g sugar (10 tsp!!)
1 apple nutrigrain bar= 16g sugar (3 tsp)
1 apple juice from McDonalds that kids drink= 18g sugar (3+ tsp!!)
1 400ml Minute Maid Apple Juice= 52g sugar (10tsp) (same as Dr. Pepper)
16 Rold Gold pretzels= 3g sugar (yes my new fave snack LOL)

we stopped after that depressing news.  But it sure makes me feel good about hardly ever giving my child juice!  10 tsp of sugar in 1 bottle of apple juice you buy at the store!  Thats crazy!!

It has now become clear to me to read those sugar labels! I used to read the fat and calories, not caring about sugar thinking Oh I burn sugar off, fat is bad for me.  Apparently not!  The white has got to go. Sugar, white rice, white buns, white pasta...all of it. I have to do some serious grocery shopping next payday now to fill our house with better options. I just had no idea how bad we were really eating. I thought oh I'm 6 months pregnant and have lost 5lbs i'm eating soooo much better!  But sadly no, I am killing myself with sugar.

The good news about GD is once I deliver the baby my sugars go back to normal. But this is a huge wake-up call for me to change our lifestyle and eating patterns now, or later in life I will face this again....and it wont be pretty. And I don't want our kids growing up guzzling juices and pops and sugary granola bars all day and getting fat and unhappy like I have been for so many years.

So we finished our supper, mine had 3g of sugar for the whole meal, yay me!! And we got on our shoes and went to the park with our daughter and played on the slides then went for a long walk around the neighbourhood.  We pooped her out, she sat on the sidewalk and said she was too tired to go any further.  So daddy carried her home but she said it was so much fun.  And it was so nice to get fresh air, and for us to talk about our days and be a family doing something good for us! And when I came home and took my blood, my sugars were in the good range...hooray for exercise!!

I am so happy I have him to support me on this. He's right on board with healthy eating and what we need to do exercise wise to get us all healthy again. When we came home and he was drawing the bath for our daughter I asked him if he'll still love me when I'm all skinny and sexy?  And he said yes! LOL  :)

Bedtime routine

So we try at every little moment to enjoy the smallest things around us. That includes bedtime. We are very fortunate that we haven't had a child who kicks and screams all the way to bed, our 2.5 yr old asks to nap or to go to bed every night. You might not believe me, but she seriously does ask. But that doesn't mean walking down the hallway to her room is always a breeze.  We were finding awhile back that it was alot of coaxing, bribing, begging on our part, after she asked us, to convince her that she needed to go to bed.  Until one night after we had watched one of her signing DVD's (she's still learning to speak so sign language works for us right now) and we had just learned how to sign "penguin".  So, I started waddling like a penguin all the way down the hall. (and trust me i'm almost 6 months pregnant and waddling is very easy to do!!)That was it, giggles and smiles as she waddled like a penguin, following momma down the hall, giggling til she layed down in her bed.  Well that lasted weeks, either myself or my hubby, waddling like penguins, with our daughter following behind us giggling all the way.  But I got bored, and I noticed less and less giggles and decided last week to "swim" down the hall.  Seriously that's all it took to put that spark back into her bedtime routine and the giggles returned as we all took turns "swimming" down the hall.  So tonight, my hubby had to go to hockey and he missed out on the bedtime routine, and so I started swimming down the hall.....my little fishy following me got half way and she turned around and started doing the backstroke!!  I died laughing, and that made her crack up too.  My kid makes me laugh every single day, and no matter how bad a day I could possibly be having, she is the funniest little person I know!    I love being a mother more than anything I have ever done in life, and I am so blessed she chose me as her momma. Now I need to think of another way to walk down the hall, because she's 2 the swimming can only be fun for so long. I think we might have to start doing karate kicks...I know that'll get her laughing to see momma try to do that!!

Finger paint

So I decided that my girl needed finger paint.  So I made some! I found this recipe online, and it was fast, easy and I had all the ingredients in the house.....even better!  I have no idea if this will stain...guess we shall see when little one wakes from her nap.  But even if it does, it'll be so fun to play with!
Here's the recipe and the pictures :)  Happy Crafting!!!

~Finger paint
1/2 cup cornstarch
3 Tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups cold water
food colouring
-in a pan mix all the ingredients (minus colours) and cook over medium/low heat, about 10-15 mins. Stir often!!  Stir til smooth and thick. (i found it changed to a  smooth texture quickly and then I knew it was done)
take off stove and let cool a few mins, pour into jars that have a tight sealing lid. I used my canning jars.
add food colouring, stir well, let cool completely...and enjoy!

This recipe for me made 4 jars about 2/3 full.  Lets see if its stains!! 

Finished!
HOURS LATER_________EPIC FAIL.  OK so I tested it with my finger when it has cooled completely and its thick like jello, not finger paint. and my finger is now stained blue. Hmmm....back to the drawing board :(

Cravings

So I have had cravings with this pregnancy from about 2 months along or so.  They started out so healthy and innocent....and have now turned into a ravenous food whore. My mother will be proud of my use of the English language right about now.

In the beginning....no I'm not telling you about the Bible or sweet Baby Jesus, we are talking food here.  At first like I said....innocent....healthy....and pure.  Oranges!  I couldn't get enough oranges or orange juice...and then it went to veggie platters....and yes I would make a platter of veggies and ranch dip and eat most of it, the rest was scarfed down by my lovely 2.5 yr old.  But it soon changed and went into sugar and fats and carb-city!  The croissants, slurpee's, fries and gravy, BACON....ooh Bacon I love thee still.  And we can't forget, pickles. And not just pickles, I would actually rather have the pickle juice from the jar. Which I don't recommend unless you want heartburn like you've never experienced before.  I asked my man if he would care for a pickle while we were looking for a snack to watch our fave reality tv show.  He is one to always support me and never lets me eat alone, so he said yes I would love one. So I brought over one of our daughter's child size plastic bowls with about 6 pickles in it.......and about 1/4 cup of the juice at the bottom.  And yes, I drank the juice. Sooo tasty!!  But after the TUMS jar got raped that night I made him promise to never let me drink that heartburn juice again.  So what did I do the next night?  You guessed it!  He told me not to do it......but I said, oh it's just a little tiny bit, I don't want to waste it.  TUMS was my bestie again that night.  (ok i'm seriously salivating at the thought of more pickle juice)

I'm not sure if cravings while pregnant is a real thing.  Some people will argue that there is no such thing.  But this is my second pregnancy and I remember having cravings with her too.  How I've managed to lose 8 lbs and be 4 months pregnant is still a mystery to me...maybe pickle juice has fat burning qualities!!  OMG could you imagine!!!!???? The Pickle Juice diet could make me a billionaire!!  HAHAHAHA ("I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad, Buy all of the things I never had, Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine,
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen"....sorry had to sing there for a second)

So here I sit...alone. My hunny went to hockey, baby is fast asleep....and I have eaten a giant handful of cooked, cold bacon, a pickle...that I dipped a few times into the juice and sucked it off..shhh don't tell anyone...and a cupcake that I made for my hunny's birthday tomorrow. I wonder how long it'll be til TUMS joins this heartburn party in my tummy.  I don't think i'll have to worry about those 8 lbs....pretty sure they'll be coming back on soon enough ;)

I'm pregnant again!

So I took a much need long break from this.  Just wanted to stop babbling about the negative, and so now i'm ready to focus on the positive!  And now I am 4 months pregnant!  We are sooooo excited have have another baby this July. I won't find out the sex, so it'll be the guessing game for the next 6 months!  But that's part of the bonus i'll look forward to as I go through the agonizing pain of delivery again.

My daughter started speech therapy this year, and so far so good!  Her signing is so much better than even a month ago, and she's loving her baby signing time videos. I think she can relate better to little kids signing to her, plus they sing fun songs!

My man's birthday is in a couple days.....he wants me to make him a cake.  Now, I did those cake decorating classes last fall, but I haven't done one single thing since then. So i'm not too sure what to make him!  Time to get creative...lol. All's I know is that it must be chocolate!

I just wanted to write a tiny update to get back into the blog thing...maybe I'll be inspired to write something more interesting!  :)

No friends

I think I'm lonely. First off let me say that my 2 yr old is the light of my life and I love her to pieces. I'm talking about my inner feelings as a woman.  I have a loving man in my life, who for over 6 years has loved me for every mood swing I threw at him.  That's not the kind of lonely I'm talking about.

I am talking about friendships. I guess I thought when I would have a baby that I would be so busy with playdates and hanging out with my friends and their kids, but the reality is we are all so busy with our schedules that I find myself alone alot.

This is something I'm not used to.  My whole life I was very blessed to have lots of friends, any day of the week I could call some people and lunch plans would be made or a night out or a coffee date.  And now I find myself pencilling someone onto my calender for a week or two in advance. With all the therapy appointments for my child to help her be up to speed in development as the other kids, and my one day a week I tried to save for some time with my mum, and working 2 days a week, I don't end up with a lot of extra time for friends.  But I also don't have my phone ringing off the hook either.

I knew my friendships were changing when I first had my baby and that year I was off on maternity leave I can count the few people who called me to say Hi or lets have coffee. I tried to make myself available thinking then others can come see the baby too, but I was saddened that I was alone so much and not many people wanted to come visit me. So alot of self-reflecting came into play and asking myself...were these people really my friends? It was much easier to email back then since having the phone ring all the time would have woken the baby, but I didn't get alot of that either. I could have tried harder myself, but I was so tired from being up all night and days and weeks would go by before I had a moment to think of calling or visiting anyone.  I tried to keep busy with baby & mommy groups and get out there and meet women who were walking down the same life path as me.  And I found some great ladies who I see once in awhile. But I don't know any of them well enough for them to call me, or me to call them.  I didn't have that click that happens when you meet someone and you just are instant best friends. Maybe I give off a bad vibe to people...I have no idea. That's what i'm trying to figure out these days.

Why don't I have friends that hang out with me more than every few months?  I am not writing this so anyone says Oh you're silly I'm your friend.  I know I have a ton of acquaintances, and people on my social network who give me fantastic advise on baby issues and laugh at my status updates.  I mean the friends like I had when I was a bit younger. The ones that know you inside and out and know the real me.  I still have contact with those ladies, not as often as we all want i'm sure.  But that seems to be life.  Life just seems to happen, and days go by and then it's another month and before I know it, 6 months go by and we're still saying Oh we should have coffee!  I don't even know what I want when I write this. It's not like I can ask someone to be my new buddy.  It would have happened by now.  I think I just have to get used to this new phase in life where my life is my child, my man and our happiness as a little family. He is always telling me I'm your friend you don't need anyone else.  But he's a guy who is very shy and likes to be alone. I was always an extrovert and had lots of people around me.  And who knows, maybe even back in those pre-baby days people who I thought was a friend wasn't really. And it's only now that the true ones are shining through.

I guess this is my new lesson i'm trying to figure out. How to like this next phase of life and embrace it. Enjoying the few days here and there when I do get some good friend time.  I can't be the only new mom who feels this way.  And I know as I go through life and put my little girl in dance classes and clubs and sports that I will meet some friends who are going through this same toddler stage I'm in, and I'll meet some great people.  But until then it's definately a different feeling I'm dealing with.

Cake Decorating- Level 1

So this month has been a busy month for this girl!  I signed up for a Wilton basic level 1 cake decorating course. My grandmother used to make wedding cakes so I think part of me thought genetically I MIGHT be good at this. Hahahaha silly me. But I thought if nothing else, it gets me out of the house one night a week to chit chat with some ladies I didn't know, and also to find me another creative outlet.

So week 1 was cookies.  We had to bake sugar cookies to decorate them.  Now anyone who knows me well, knows that me + baking = disaster!  So because of my nerves my fiance offered to bake the cookies for me. What a guy!  He used his mother's recipe and seriously whipped up the most perfectly baked cookies. He's such an amazing guy, he really is a Jack of all trades...including baker!  So I get to class, and they had said to buy the already pre-made icing that they sell, just for week one, so that we wouldn't screw up the recipe and the icing would be  perfect for what we needed that night. They were wrong.  The icing was so incredibly thick, than none of us in the class could pipe the icing out of the bag!  It was ridiculous. Plus the taste of it was just nasty.  I really don't like the taste of shortening...butter or margarine tastes much better in butter cream icing FYI!!  Not to mention that the instructor (at no fault of her own) had so much information to teach us, that we had 20 minutes left in the class to practice and decorate our cookies. So I did do a few cookies, but the rest I did at home. I just did basic star tip designs.  I forgot to take a picture that night, which was ok because I was horrible and was trying to channel my no-longer-with-us Grandmother for advice....didn't work.

Week 2 was a cake.  We had to bake a cake and bring it un-iced.  They had mentioned that if you bake it in a water bath, the cake will rise flat on top, instead of the usual dome on top that you always have to cut off.  So I thought...I've made things in a water bath before...how hard could this be. The cake was done, I pulled it out of the oven and thought hmm, now how do I lift the cake pan out of the boiling water. So in my head I thought tipping the entire thing and slowly draining off some of the boiling water was a great idea.  And the first attempt it was!  I drained off a few cups and thought that should be enough to reach into and grab the cake pan. Nope, still too much water and my oven mitts would get wet.  So I thought, ok I'll drain more water off.  That's when I lost control of my cake pan and it slid to the end where the water was and SPLOOSH into the water it goes. I quickly dropped the whole thing in the sink and grabbed my cake and turned it upside down and watched the water pour out of my cake. Not going to be good.  So I took the cake out of the pan and thought maybe it'll air out all afternoon and dry a bit, and it wont be so bad. So while it was air drying, I thought I better mix up my icing. I read the recipe over twice, grabbed all my ingredients and lined them up so I wouldn't forget a step. Mixed it all up and thought, hmm this looks runny, oh well, it might tighten up in the fridge until I leave for class. I get to class and my friend K beside me had her cake fall apart into 3 chunks, we had a good giggle over our mishaps, but I really thought my cake was ok. So then it was time to ice the cake...first a crumb coat and then the real deal. And my icing was just so runny. So much so that it looked like it was actually separating on the cake after I iced it.  It was looking nasty.  Then I had to draw a picture on it, and it was getting worse and worse.  The instructor kept saying that I had mixed the recipe wrong.  And I was stubborn and kept replying, I did exactly what the page says.  Until I read it again and realized I added 7 tablespoons of water instead of 7 teaspoons of water.  Oops my bad! So it was a soggy, separating mess. I left the class feeling deflated and so unsure of this course, and I guess I was a little reckless driving around corners, because my cake sort of slammed against my carrier case and well...this picture says it all. Oh and when I got home my fiance said he'd eat it, and when he took one bite I thought he was going to throw up, but all he said was Wow this is really moist...almost wet hey. Later he admitted how horrible it was.

So week 3 I think things started getting better. I had figured out how to make icing correctly and we did things that I really enjoyed doing. Pompom flowers, and leaves, shell borders, rosettes, all these fun things that allowed me to use my new tips I bought. We decorated cupcakes this week and I think they turned out pretty good.  It's finally making sense in my head and I am also really enjoying it now too. Thank goodness!



Week 4, the final class. I baked my cake in a  water bath and it was successful thanks to BBQ tongs to grasps the pan and get it out of the water!!  I have now bought these water bands that wrap around my cake to make my life easier. I iced it in orange since Halloween is approaching and made a few more batches of icing in different colours and consistencies for decorating my final project.  We also learned how to make a rose. Not a fancy rose, just a very basic rose.  But it turned out ok.  I could have made my icing a tad bit thicker, but it was ok. It was fun seeing all 7other girls do their cakes. We all did completely different patterns and designs and colours.  But it was great to see other ideas for inspiration. I for sure have to get a decorating book they sell there for more ideas. And I really, really, REALLY need to practice everything I have learned.

So now I have my certificate and I'm feeling better and more confident about doing another cake.  So I have signed up for the Level 2 course starting next week!  It's all about delicate flowers and some fondant work.  I'm super excited to see what else I can do. 

opinions

I am a person who is very much affected by what others say to me, or about me to others. I can't help it, maybe it's my insecurities, who knows.  But when I first started blogging my thoughts, I actually had people say not so nice things about some of my mini stories, and instead of saying, that's fine don't read them if you don't like them.  I deleted them.  I think I deleted 6 stories that I'll never get back, and I can't even remember what they said now.
And that's just it, I write when I am feeling something. And it's not always happiness and butterfly kisses, it's sadness, worry, stress, as well as happiness and love.  I don't really care if anyone reading this "gets" me, I'm not asking to be found by you. This is my personal journey to find myself. And I'll be the first to admit I'm lost! But that's ok too. Motherhood is an exciting yet complex time for me. It's new, and full of ups and downs.  But even through the worst days I have, I never, ever want to go back and change any of it.  I love being a momma.  It's the BEST decision I ever made, and I honestly am ready for another baby. There I said it. I know we need a bigger house, and a maybe a larger car/SUV/mini van, I know we should have that nest egg set up, and I know I should have gone back to school, and my fiance too, oh and I know we probably should have gotten married, and maybe gone on a real holiday somewhere.  But the fact is...I am not getting any younger. I turn 36 in the spring and time is ticking away.  Some girls have babies when they are 40...I say good for them. It's not going to be good for me. My fiance wants another baby as well, our daughter needs a sibling we've decided. And since she turns 3 next summer, sometime next year will be a good year to try for another.
We could wait for all those things I've listed above to happen....but they haven't happened so far, so why are we waiting?  We have a committed happy, loving relationship. We are best friends who really know each other so well, and still like hanging out together!
So even if I have a moment on here where I'm venting my frustration or concerns, it doesn't mean I hate my life or wish i could change it. Sometimes we need to vent and get it out, and move forward.
I love my little family, and I am excited for the future.

Who am I again?

I have been on a quest to find myself again for the past little while. Not that I really feel lost, but kind of like i'm not too sure what my role is anymore. Five years ago I was a worker, loved it. Worked full time, often took extra shifts if asked or switched shifts with people...never a problem. I would go out with friends, and have pub nights with my man.  Movie nights were a must, the actual going out to the movies kind!  Grab a drink and appy somewhere then head over to the show and stuff our faces with popcorn and not even think twice how much we were spending.  Money wasn't just free flowing, but I never cared if the account got low....I could eat cans of soup til payday and not be too upset.

But now I'm a momma. And I work part time, which is enough for me for now. I am so consumed with her and making sure she is fed, bathed, clothed, happy, played with, and educated, that it leaves very little time to myself. My only time for me is between 10pm-midnight, when my partner is in bed, and so is the baby (fingers crossed she won't wake up) And that's it. 2 hours. And it's not like I use those 2 hours wisely, I'm usually so beat I just watch tv or search the internet for craft ideas or anything baby related! (still nothing for ME related) I have so many therapy appointments during the week for my daughter, as well as trying to get in visits to see my mum & dad, (since I work weekends now I dont get to see them anymore) I have to clean, cook meals every night for my family, make sure the laundry is done.  I'm also on a council for babes and mothers sponsored by the hospital. It's a post-natal care program to help ease the transition for new mothers thrown into this crazy world of babies! I volunteer my time in meetings going over ideas to fund raise and getting our name out there for people to know who we are, get new topics for the weekly program we offer to new moms, and just the general run of this program. So I'm a busy girl!

But I just wanted to do something for me.  My partner plays hockey every week so I needed something for MY time.  So I am excited to start my basic cake decorating classes next week!!!  It'll be 2 hours once a week of just me time again. OMG I need this so bad. I am looking for other night time things I might want to try next year as well....if this goes as well as I hope!  Maybe I'll learn Spanish, or to belly dance! who knows...I just know I need to get out. And my evenings are all I have.

I think sometimes I get the impression that people who work full time, think that stay at home moms do nothing all day. Here's what I say...would you ask your child's daycare provider does she sit on her butt all day and facebook? She would be so insulted and have a list as long as her arm of what she does all day with your kids.....so why would it be different for me? I have so many things in a week that I have to get done before my next work weekend comes that some days I just live off lattes. seriously! But my child isn't allowed to watch much tv, we have things to get done...colouring, singing time, story time, making 3 healthy meals everyday, walks, playing with toys, learning with toys and everyday things around the house. Changing, wiping, cleaning, feeding, teaching, more cleaning, more feeding, a well needed nap, the life of a stay at home mother is busy. Plus I try so hard to get time in there for play dates or coffee dates with other kids and moms. Doesn't happen on a weekly basis, there's just no time.  And then there's the running errands for the family. Doctor appt's, dentist, car needs gas, parcel needs to be picked up, grocery shopping, baby items shopping, my man needs new work pants shopping, bills need to be paid, and I wonder why I haven't had time to take her to that playgroup I've been meaning to get her too.

There are not enough hours in the 5 days off I have. But I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a mother more than anything I have ever done. Hopefully one day we will be blessed to add to our family....because I wasn't busy enough already! hahahahaha

My priorities have shifted to the home. And I like my two days away at work it's like down time for me. I get to chat with customers and make them pretty and feel special and then I go home....and see the cheerios all over the carpet and the dishes piled up and I think...ok back to reality, my vacation is over!

Perogy making

So at least once a year we make homemade perogies.  I actually learned from my fiance, his family always made them, so for 6+ years now him and I make them for our family.

So we got organized and made the mashed potatoes and filling and dough while the baby was napping and when she awoke, I took her over to her Nanny's house to play for the afternoon.  That way we could have an assembly line going without a toddler underfoot. 

This time I rolled the dough while he filled them up over the mold. Usually its the other way around, but we like to spice it up a  bit. HAHAHA  Why do I laugh at my own jokes, gosh I'm a  dork!

So we had the tunes cranked as usual and all of a sudden this old song by Anne Murray comes on called "Danny's song" and my fiance starts singing it to me...he says...hey this is our song.  And then I started to cry.  Crying and rolling perogy dough and smiling all at the same time.  It's like I fell in love with him all over again. Something so sweet and spur of the moment just took my breath away. The words to the song are sad but true for us. And probably for many people.  I had heard this song a zillion times, but I never really listened to the lyrics until he sang them to me. And he was right.  The song is us. (except the pregnant part, lol) And I am still smiling.
Here are the lyrics for anyone who wants to know.
I recommend hearing it over reading it. 

"Danny's Song"

People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one



And we've just begun, I think I'm gonna have a son


He will be like you and me, as free as a dove


Conceived in love, the sun is gonna shine above






Chorus


And even though we ain't got money


I'm so in love with ya honey


Everything bring a chain of love


And in the mornin' when I rise


Bring a tear of joy to my eyes


And tell me everything's gonna be all right






Love a guy who holds the world in a paper cup


Drink it up, love him and he'll bring you luck


And if ya find he helps your mind


better take him ho-ome


Yeah 'n' don'tcha live alone


try to earn what lovers own






Chorus

My Birth Story, and this is long!

I will start by saying that this is not for everyone. This is for myself and it's graphic and emotional and raw.  I'm just needing to get this out and move forward. And it'll be a very long story, just an FYI! grab some tissues and a coffee.

I really struggled whether or not to blog this, or just write it on paper and then burn it outside, letting the ashes blow away. I guess I'll make a decision when I get to the end, if I click POST or not. I don't want to come across as ungrateful for the beautiful daughter I have, I think its time to let go of the guilt I've harboured inside me for 2 years now.

July 31st, 2008 at 1:00am I woke up in the night thinking I need to use the bathroom, but then found myself searching for my clock, pen and paper to start keeping track of my contractions....they had begun!!!  I was terrified, but also so excited all at once.  I chose not to wake my fiance, I thought this could take awhile and since he suffers from an inner ear disease and gets vertigo easily,  I let him sleep....he would need it. I remember laying in bed all night dozing in and out waking to another contraction thinking, hmmm not bad it feels like a period cramp but after a few seconds it disappears for 20 mins or so. This is easy!! About 7am he woke up, luckily he already had the day off since it was so close to the long weekend and he knew I could have the baby any day now.  So I shared the news and he just jumped into action.  Showering and eating breakfast, as if we are ready to go soon. Silly man.

Hours go by, and more hours, the pain increases but still very bearable and far apart. We watched movies and tv, I tried sitting on my yoga ball as much as possible, walked around the house, showered, ate, drank liquids, tried to act normal. I didn't want to tell my mum & dad I was in labour yet, not sure why to be honest. I think because I didn't want my mum to run over here and "baby" me through this. I wanted to do it myself.  Around 6:30pm or so we called the midwife to tell her I had been in labour for 17 hours already and they were still about 10 mins apart.  She thought I had a long way to go yet, but to call her when they were 5 mins apart or I couldn't handle the pain and she would meet me at the hospital. I do think thats around the time I told my mum on the phone as well. But told her go to bed tonight we will call you as soon as it happens! I'm sure she didn't sleep much that night!

By about 9:30pm I was crying.  The pain had gotten to the point that I honestly didn't think it could ever get worse. The contractions were close to 5 mins apart and last 2 mins long each one. So my fiance called the hospital and told them we are on our way. The 5 minute drive to the hospital seemed to be the bumpiest road trip I've ever taken.  Every bump hurt so bad and by the time he got me to the ER doors I could hardly get out of the car.  The contractions were coming fast and so strong, and I was SOBBING my heart out. I think I scared the people waiting in ER, even the doctor in the ER wanted to help me.  I had seen patients lying in beds waiting for whatever they were in there shouting "Good luck, you'll be ok".  They meant well but I seriously wanted to punch someone. And all I could hear was my fiance saying "Thank you" to all of them. SHUT IT was on the tip of my tongue!  The nurses offered the wheelchair for me, but I kept saying No the Pre-natal classes said to walk as long and often as possible, i'll walk.  Now for those of you who know our hospital, the walk from the ER down all 3 hallways and up the elevator is seriously the longest walk ever when you are in labour. They are no where near each other in locations...something I would advise in the new hospital they are building here one day.  Put the maternity ward close to the door!!! My girlfriends who did this walk late at night while in labour all know what i'm talking about!

I walked into the maternity ward with the sweetest nurses ready to greet me, they knew me by name and were sooooo happy to see me.  I think I cried again because I thought, yes, someone to help me!!  We walked down the hall to the labour and delivery rooms and there was my girlfriend "A" who I met in pre-natal, and her hubby drinking Iced Caps from timmy's looking calm and comfortable, saying nice things to me....honestly they could have said my hair was on fire, I dont to this day remember what she said, just her sweet smile and the look of fright on her hubby's face!  LOL.  She wasn't in full labour yet! But I love her still to this day for her smile...as I cried and walked down the hall.  hahaha. (writing this out is really helping, I am laughing so hard now at how much I cried.  Gosh I'm such a big baby!)

So midwife showed up, got the "Cadillac" of all delivery rooms (the one with the big shower in it) got all settled, they wanted me to pee in the cup...word to all your pregger ladies out there they make you pee as soon as you arrive, but I couldn't do it...should have been clue #1 that something was wrong. It was about 11pm by the time we got settled and I got into my sexy hospital gown took off the bra...ahhh that I do remember feeling such relief! And kept on with my hard contractions. So the midwife checked me and they were shocked how long I went before going to the hospital (22 hours, not that i'm bragging) and they realized I was 6cm almost 7cm dilated.  They were happy and things seemed to be going smoothly. I heard 7cm and said, cool I will be giving birth within the hour.....I think they laughed at me. 

Ok so lets skip some hours and get to the nitty gritty. About 27 hours in they realized that the baby was stuck.  Her head was crooked and my cervix was so swollen. Half of it felt 10cm dilated to them (and by them yes I mean multiple people were all up in my grill...you know...) but the other side felt so swollen from the baby pressing on it that blood was building up and that was half the severe pain I was feeling. The back labour was OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD. And i still had not pee-d yet!  I had my fiance pressing on my low back as hard as he could possible press for at least 2 hours (hours 25-27) so much so that he got to the point where he could not feel his hand anymore and didn't know if he had the strength to keep pressing on it for me.  For me it relieved the pain, but I know he thought he was hurting me.  Nope, he could have punched me in back and I wouldn't have felt a thing. By this point I was huffing the gas they gave me til my eyes were rolling back in my head. Big Daddy thought that was the weirdest thing he's ever seen. I think it creeped him out.  But gas was temporary.  As soon as you exhale the pain is there. But I had said I wanted a natural birth with no drugs unless I needed them. I will never say those words again.

My blood pressure was through the roof, the baby's heart rate was escalating and not coming down.  My contractions were every 2 mins but lasting for 1min 45 secs. (they start timing contractions from when they START, so i'm not kidding I had a 15 second break in between them....for 2 or 3 hours!)  I was physically exhausted.  And I also forgot or refused, not sure which, to drink fluids. So I was severely dehydrated.  The midwife gave me an IV....5 times it took her to get a vein, they were so dehydrated she couldn't find one.  And that was almost as painful as the labour. On the last one she sliced through a nerve and I just about jumped off the bed in pain. And that actually hurt for a month. FYI peeps, ask a nurse to do it!

By the 27th hour the nurses were getting scared. the screams that were coming out of my mouth were primal. My fiance said it was nothing he'd ever heard before, and apparently I started chanting like a monk! No joke. My second girlfriend was in the other delivery room and she heard me too. I think I scared her husband as well.  oops I'm sorry!!  So the nurses called in the doctor.  He arrived like Heaven sent an angel to me, looked at my BP, looked at baby's heart rate, took one quick exam on me and asked the nurse to call the anesthesiologist (hope I spelled correctly) and to order fentanyl to calm me down (it's 100 times more potent than morphine) and then ordered an epidural for me. He said the epidural would bring my blood pressure back down and slow down contractions until they could turn the baby's head and deliver her. But they couldn't give me epidural without somehow calming me down first, I think I was borderline hysterical in pain by that point.  Then he asked the midwife to step aside and have a seat.  I was no longer her patient.

I had a midwife, a doctor, a pediatrician, and anesthesiologist and 3 nurses, plus my man all in the room with me trying to get this baby out.   When the anesthetist (however you call him) came into the room here's what I thought. A) Good Lord you are freaking gorgeous!  B) I love you. lol. I'm not sure if I had clothing on at that point, my fiance told me a year later that I took off my dressing gown and chucked it across the room saying I'm too hot with this thing on. Bahahaha it's a light as a sheet. too funny!!! the entire maternity ward staff saw me naked.  There is no modesty when birthing a child.

Epidural man didn't think I would be able to sit still long enough for it to be inserted into my spine. But they told me I had no choice and they thought I was going to have a c-section. I signed 3 papers I think not sure what they said I was in too much pain and scribbled something on each one. I got into position, which is very hard when you have a beach ball between your legs, apparently I started chanting or counting/chanting. Something odd and unusual, holding onto the meal tray with one nurse holding my one arm and the midwife holding the other, because my contractions were so hard and so close together.  I asked the anesthetist to wait til my go, i knew I had a 15 second break coming up, and he did and then went for it. To be honest I didn't feel the epidural go in at all. I felt him taping it to my back and that was it.  Then they told me to carefully lie down and relax. They had to put in a catheter which hardly filled up and the nurses were very nervous about my lack of fluids.  Within 30 mins I couldn't feel my legs or the contractions, but they told me I had to wait 2 hours before I could push.  So my man had a tiny siesta in the lazyboy chair and the nurses all left me and dimmed the lights and I rested my eyes. One kept checking on me and checking the baby monitor but she sat there quietly telling me to rest. Which was so nice. I was exhausted. 

The epidural had done it's job.  I had relaxed enough that the baby turned her head enough to allow me to fully dilate. The doctor and nurses all came back in with the midwife too, and told me they were only going to allow me to push for a little otherwise I needed a c-section.  I told him, I know I can do this.    So they had to tell me to push since I couldn't feel the contractions, or anything from the ribs down.  I started figuring out that when I felt the baby moving and kicking me inside I was contracting, so my daughter would give me the signal and we worked as as a team and she was out in about 40 mins of pushing.  Not too bad. they did have to put the vacuum on her head to turn it slightly to the side and then she came out.  And just because you're frozen doesn't mean you dont feel the baby moving inside you.  That was a weird feeling. She came out all healthy, and she got placed on my chest and I remember saying she's so small! She was born at 7:15 am Aug 1st, 2008 weighing 6lbs 4oz. (30 hours of labour)  The baby got checked by the pediatrician and I layed there recovering and happy it was over.  But as we were holding our precious angel I noticed the doctor who delivered her was taking a long time to stitch me up.  At least 30-40 mins of sewing. I found out later I had 3rd degree tears. Ouchy! But since I was still frozen I didn't feel him stitching me. But once the swelling went down the next day the pain was out of this world. *i'm shivering at the thought right now

So we thought everything was fine. We had called our families and me and baby were in my room trying right away to get her to latch onto my breast. And she would which shocked me, but of course you dont' have much of anything on day 1. She did alot of sleeping that day, and I think i tried to. My parents showed up about noon on their lunch hour from their jobs, and I was so excited to see them. Of course they came back later that night,  but they knew me and big daddy needed to try to rest.  Nothing seemed unusual to me, since i'd never had a baby before, I figured all babies were "jumpy" in the beginning so we tried to be quiet.  Late that night around midnight the nurse came in and said let me take her to the nursery to weigh her again, and told me to rest since I had been up for 2 days. I must have passed out for a couple hours, and woke up about 2am and noticed she still wasn't in the bassinet.  I really had to go to the bathroom and change my dressings but when I came out the pediatrician was standing in my room waiting for me to get out of the bathroom and he said the words that will haunt me forever:

You're baby is very sick, we need you and your husband down in the nursery right now.

We ran down that hall and when we arrived there she was hoked up to monitors and a tiny IV in her arm. Laying naked but a diaper under the heat lamp. I don't think I cried yet. I was in shock.  They told me that when they undressed her to weigh her she was shaking uncontrollably, and not just from being cold. So they pricked her heel and took a blood sample and her blood sugar was 0.7 (normal is 4.0 - 5.0) she was in bad shape. If they couldn't stabilize her there was a chance she would not make it. They asked me if I was diabetic and I said no, but the baby had to stay in there under the heat and hooked up to the monitors and IV until they could stabilize her.  They fed her a tiny amount of formula to see if her blood sugar would go up. But there was nothing we could do but wait.  They told us to try to rest and sleep and they promised to wake us up in the night if anything changed. I think I did fall asleep from pure exhaustion. In the morning we got up and went back down to the nursery and they had taken a vial of her blood and it had gone up a bit, but as soon as they lowered the dosage in her IV she crashed again.  She just could not stabilize her sugars. It was really a waiting game. There was nothing we could do but wait and pray. We fed her every single meal and changed every diaper that up until midnight when the nurses told us to try to sleep. Early  the next morning we were back in there holding her as long as possible.  I only left the nursery to eat and go to the bathroom and have a quick shower.  Same with my fiance. We sat in the chair rocking her as she was hooked up to the machines.  There was no way I was going to let her lay there without being held by us. 

The nurses got me pumping the colostrum right away, and I would seriously dip the tip of my finger into the bottle where I pumped it and then put my finger in her mouth so she could suck it off, which she did. I would scrape that bottle dry so she got every drop, plus then they would give her formula to get that sugar up in her body.  And thats what we did every 2-3 hours. Pump, feed her, weigh her, change her, hold her. Non-stop. the nurses had to force us to go sleep from midnight til 3am when i had to be woken up to pump what I could, back to sleep til 6am to pump. I pumped around the clock every 3 hours for 5 weeks. No lie. The poor baby had to have her heel pricked every 3 hours to test her sugars and LANCED the heel every 12 hours to take a vial of blood from her to do more testing...from friday night midnight til tuesday. Her little foot was so bruised and purple from being pricked that they ran out of spots they could even prick her. And by the sunday she wouldn't even cry when they did it, she had already gotten used to the pain they put on her. It was heartbreaking.

By sunday night the nurses told us to go to our room, take a couple hours break, let them look after her.  They could see how emotionally wrecked we both were. Looking back it was exactly what I needed.  And I think that's the first time I really cried.  We were watching tv and I just started bawling.  It was like the flood gates opened and I finally starting grieving for my sick baby. I asked my fiance if she was sick because of something I did wrong while pregnant.  Did I eat too much sugar near the end?  Did I stop taking my pre-natal vitamins too soon, they made me throw up so I stopped taking them.  What did I do to deserve this?  What did she do to deserve this?  I cried and I cried and I cried. For hours. But that's when it sunk in that something seriously could be wrong with my perfect baby. I just remember praying to God that I would do anything, anything at all for her to get better. And I begged him to please not take her from me. That's the night I truly started believing in the power of prayer.  I think this has been the hardest part to write so far. Writing this out, I think I have just found the memory spot that I have been hiding and had tucked away so I wouldn't ever feel that pain again. I think the thought of losing her was more painful than 30 hours of physical pain. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant to keep her healthy.

ok let's see if I can finish this without crying anymore. So the pediatrician called childrens hospital and they told him what they were doing here was everything they could do as well.  So there was no need to medi-vac us over there.  It was all just a waiting game.  She was born on a  friday by tuesday she had stabilized her sugars on her own with no IV,so they finally removed the IV that day. And allowed her to sleep with us in our room that night. I don't think I slept much that night.  The next day wednesday we were released.  Just like that, no follow up nothing.  I kept asking, well what do I do if she drops her sugars again, how will I know?  But they assured me that once she stabilized on her own that she would now be fine.  I was scared to death!!  I was worried sick that she would relapse and I wouldn't be able to help her.  But they were right, she thrived and was gaining weight slowly but surely and she was a happy girl. 

She never did latch onto me again.  I wanted to breastfeed so badly the whole pregnancy and I kept pumping for 5 weeks around the clock.  But I wasn't producing any milk, like less than 2 ounces at a time. So we always had to top her up with formula to make it 4 ounces so she was getting enough.  I had lactation consultants and my midwife all coming to the house to help me but it was no use. By the time my 4 week check up came my midwife tried again to help me get her to latch, but she had gotten so used to the bottle in the hospital that she refused to latch onto me. And I was drying up.  I went on fenugreek and beaded thistle to increase my milk but it did nothing. I had to make the choice, stop pumping or keep pumping hardly anything out.  I stopped. And then I went into a  post pardum depression. And I think I cried for 3 days straight.  The guilt I felt for not being able to feed her, the pressure I felt from others to keep trying, it was horrible.  I had one friend...one single person, tell me it was ok.  She herself was unable to nurse her children and she talked me through those days and made me feel like it's ok.  I will always be grateful for her supportive words and encouragement through that awful time.  It was a very hard decision to make, some people think it's easy, but when you wanted to do something so badly but weren't able to because of factors you can't control its painful. After that the baby started gaining weight at a better pace, so that made me feel somewhat ok about my decision...at least she was still healthy. I hadn't done a ton of research on formula, since I was a pro-breastfeeding pregnant lady. But we did our best.

I really have harbored this guilt in me for not being able to breastfeed.  I felt like a failure for so long....so long.  I would see my baby mom friends nursing their kids and I would act all tough like it didn't bother me, but usually I would quietly cry on the drive home that I didn't feel that special bond with my baby like they talked about. I mean don't get me wrong I have an unbreakable bond with my daughter, but I can imagine that nursing a baby would give a different feeling that bottle feeding. I think that's why I held her til she fell asleep in my arms for every single nap and bedtime until she was 14 months old. I wanted that closeness and bond.  Once I gave that up and allowed her to fall asleep on her own I think it helped build her confidence in herself and also  allowed me to let-out the cord a little bit. ( i still haven't cut it yet. lol)

I'm not sure how to end this. This was my birth experience.  Nothing went as planned, and I was left so emotionally raw from the whole thing that it really put me into a depression. Everything I do I always second guess myself, since babies don't come with a manual.  But I think I'm doing the best I know how.  I have a great model to follow...my own mother. She is the best mother anyone could ever ask for. And I hope one day I am half the woman she is today. She has such strength and kindness, and is truly the nicest person on the planet. And my daughter loves her so much. As do I. I have learned alot from this experience and know more now about myself and my strengths and convictions. So I hope i'll be better prepared if i decide to bring another blessing into this world.

And if nothing else, I have learned to listen to my inner voice. And trust myself.

Sweet moments

So today I was in the kitchen making meatloaf for supper while my daughter was having her lunch. Its a normal daily event, I cook supper, or bake cookies while she's up in the highchair watching me. We usually have the tunes cranked up and it keeps her entertained while eating! 

So I started making my meatloaf, not really paying attention to what she was doing, I thought she was just eating her vegetable/pasta/chicken combo until I hear this tiny giggle come out of her.  I looked over and she was kneading her lunch like I was kneading the meatloaf in the bowl. She was copying me and thought it was hilarious.  Thankfully she had eaten most of it, but the uneaten portion was all squished between her fingers...well, kind of like me with the meatloaf squished between my fingers.  So I let her continue as I finished adding the last ingredients and mixing with my hands.  And beside me just the sweetest giggle-fest came out of her as she continued "making meatloaf" like momma.

These are the tiny moments that remind me why I love staying home with her.

Sleep

So I don't think I've slept a full night sleep since the day I found out I was pregnant, almost 3 years ago. From that night on I worried every night if the baby was ok.  Then it just got to difficult in the 3rd trimester to get comfortable to sleep, and even if I found that sweet spot on the bed, and got into the zone....she would start kicking the crap out of me. Of course it goes without saying that once she was born 2 years ago I couldn't sleep much.  Not that I didn't want to...oh I wanted to, but newborns generally only sleep for 2-4 hours at one time if you're lucky!  And then I was also up every 3 hours round the clock pumping. I was soooo bagged by the time she was 2 months old I tell ya!

But then it just got to be the "norm" to lightly sleep.  That way I could always hear her if she was choking, breathing funny, crying, needed milk, wanted to snuggle. Anything really. I am engaged to a man who is deaf in one ear, and sleeps on the good ear so he doesn't hear anything and he can get his full 9 hours a night in.  Awww muffin, so hard done by.  9 freakin hours....every night. He has no idea what I would do for just ONE night of 9 solid straight hours of sleep. But I have to be honest, it's not like my daughter is up all night.  those days are long gone. She's been sleeping through the night 10-12 hours for almost a year now. It's me. But with him putting his good ear to the pillow I always think what if he doesn't hear the baby IF she wakes up, I better not sleep too deep or I won't hear her. (my house is teeny, i'm sure I would)

I cannot shut my brain off.  Wondering if she ate enough that day, if I need groceries or stuff for the house, what to make for supper the next day, what kinds of clients I will have at work (yes I work part time) what on earth I will wear to work every weekend since all my clothes are outdated and a little snugger...must have shrunk them ;) Gosh that alone can stress a lady out. My mind wanders off to planning a wedding that seems to never happen, stressing about normal household things, wondering if I just heard a noise outside, or maybe the baby is stirring in her sleep and kind of crying/dreaming...will she fully wake up? My mind never stops running.  If my body ran as much as my mind I would be a smokin hot size 4 I swear! Alas, I am not. 

So this is my night.  Every night.  Sitting here drinking my sleepytime tea hoping that tonight it will slow down the brain and just go to sleep. Its rare if I ever fall asleep before 2am, I usually see the clock turn 3:30, 4:30 etc, and then i'm up by 7:30am. Some days I am fortunate enough to steal a nap with her, and honestly when she's beside me sleeping and we are pressed forehead to forehead and she's breathing on my face, those are my BEST sleep sessions. Even if it's for an hour, I feel so amazing when we wake up like it was the best sleep I've ever had.  I don't know if it's the snuggle with my baby, or its knowing that she's so close I will hear her if she needs me, or the comfort of having her close to me. And yes it's usually forehead to forehead that she prefers.  And almost everytime I doze off I wake up, open my eyes and find her staring at my eyeballs, and once I fully open my eyes, with her soother in her mouth, she smiles so big, so happy that her mommy is snuggling. And she always reaches over and hugs my neck so tight, and it just melts my heart. Who knows how long she spends staring at me.  I'm sure she's memorized every single freckle on my nose and every eyelash in place. We don't get to nap together very often.  Most days she goes to her crib and thats when I can get my house cleaning done.

But I have forgotten how to relax and just go to sleep. Let my mind go and trust myself enough that I would hear her if she needs me in the night. To go to bed and enjoy those 7-8-9 hours of sleep. Even on nights where I work the next day i'm averaging 3-5 hours of sleep. So not good.  I'm going to age myself quicker, no wonder I have so much grey hair.

I need to figure this out because i'm just so tired. I am mentally so exhausted and phyically drained from years of not sleeping. I'm not into taking pills or drugs unless I absolutely have to. So I dont want to tell my doctor because she'll prescribe something.  I want to do it naturally if I can. Sleepytime tea doesn't work.  Yes I feel relaxed, but once I get off of here, and lay down my mind will start a circus act.

Sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep the night. 

Life path

I have crossed life paths with a woman I went to highschool with 17 years ago. (yes I am that old.)  She was so sweet and cheerful back then, and really, she still has that sparkle.  (I can't believe I just said sparkle..I think i've been watching too many beauty pagent shows! lol) But recently her life hit a bump, like all of us do, and she was offered a shit sandwich and told it was turkey.  She's to smart to fall for that!  So she's doing alot of soul searching and figuring out her dreams in life.  One of her personal stories along this life changing journey was discovering who she is, and also who she wants to be. She talked about writing a letter to her old self, what she would like to tell herself years ago that she knows now.  Or would she even bother? 

I think life is about the ride not the destination...because I know what the destination is, and I'm in no rush to see the pearly gates thank you very much! I want to enjoy the ride ALOT longer. But if I could write a letter to my 20 year old self...what would I say?  What would YOU say? All the decisions we make along the way sculpt us into who we are today. Whether it's to date a certain guy, or take that job position we didn't really want.  Every single thing we do and people we meet does some how affect the outcome of which path we cross.  If you see a bird's eye view of our life path, I really believe it would look like a giant maze. Twists and turns every which way, some  dead ends, some deep holes to fall into, some paths lead to original paths and we think...wasn't I just here last year?  But there is also that one straight path. That path is safe and sturdy and paved with gold. Sometimes my paths have come to the golden road and I've walked a few steps only to be distracted by a shiny object like a kitty and pounce onto another dirt road. Only to realize, hey where am I? There are no signs telling you which way to go, and no footprints to follow,  just your own. Along the way you meet other people, some you just pass on by, others keep coming into your life when you least expect it. Some follow alongside you and you have a good laugh all along your happy trail. Those friends are worth keeping!

But there isn't always butterflies and puppy dog kisses along the paths. There will be dark nights and stormy days to get through. There will be people along the way who are only there to hurt you and to teach you a lesson on your personal soul safety.  Once you encounter enough of these people you start to figure out easily how to keep them at arms length and protect yourself.  And there is also those dreaded deep dark holes you might fall into if you are not watching ahead.

Which brings me back to this.  If you had the chance to write yourself a letter for your old 20 year old self what would you say? I think I would. I would tell her to finish college and not to be a loser and drop out because it got hard and money was tight.  She had no idea how tight money was going to be without a college education. I would have told her to stay away from the ex who had a dog. He was nothing but a dark storm cloud of unhappiness and it was a year wasted in my opinion. I would have told her to take that job on a cruiseship when it was there for the taking. I would have said stay in Ontario, you might have been able to work your way up that grocery store ladder.  (oh man I loved that job, to this day it's my favorite job i've ever had) I would have told her to stick to the WW meal plan for life. Being overweight has been the biggest struggle for all of my adult life.  And I would tell her to take that dream vacation while you're young and single. Live it up and party like a rockstar.

Of course all of these things shaped me into who I am today. And since I can't change anything from the past I embrace all of my flaws and choices I've made. I'm on a new path of motherhood these days, and it's going pretty good. I keep looking down that marriage road and it looks long. So that's a good sign.  And I'm really hoping there's another baby branch down that road to follow soon-ish.

Coupons

I think it's time I seriously consider using coupons. I am the girl who collects a bunch and then leaves them at home on the counter while I buy a huge order.  So frustrating. So I think this fall is time to really keep my eyes peeled for a good bargain. I know it'll take some homework on my part, searching the flyers for items on sale, otherwise why use a coupon to save $0.50 if its not already on sale?  I need to get a mini photo album so I can actually see each one.  Stuffed in my wallet half ripped and crumpled is not the way to use them!!   I have a new project for fall!!!!
I'll keep you posted if I can work this out!

struggles

So anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything for my sweet baby girl. She is the reason I get up and smile every single morning and count myself as the luckiest lady in all the land to have such a beautiful sweet girl. But this past year hasn't been so great for me as a mother.  I feel like a failure almost everyday because no matter how hard I try, or how many therapy appointments I take her to, I can't get her to walk by herself. Or now talk. It seriously has brought me to tears thinking about all the 2 year old she used to hang with and how much fun they have running and playing at the beach, or the parks and knowing that my little girl spent her summer sitting on the ground or in my arms. And I think if one more person tells me "oh all kids learn at their own pace" one more time, I might snap. She's 2 now and will walk for a bit holding my hand, but its never a long stretch, maybe across a parking lot, or down the hall, and then she wants to sit again and just crawl. We have done physical therapy since she was 4 months old, every 2 weeks, starting with a neck problem she had, then it turned to her not crawling, then not walking.  Which then spiraled into child development coming to see us every other week to help her with speech and fine motor skills.  Which I must say she's excelled at the fine motor skills...speech not so much. From that came a long awaited Occupational therapy every week.  By the end of July it had been so many months of therapy that I just about snapped on them and said enough, please let us have August off from all therapy. I just needed a break to clear my head and let her be a kid with no therapy appointments. They all agreed that momma needed the break more than anyone.

So I thought I would try chiropractic care for her.  We went 3 times and I must admit 2 days before her 2nd birthday she stood up and walked across the living room all by herself....a couple times. But then not many steps the rest of the week, and certainly not when anyone else was around but her mommy & daddy. After her first chiro appt she was walking so much around the living room that night, I thought this is great!!  But of course the 2nd & 3rd visit to the doctor wasn't so good.  My daughter screamed, terrified it would hurt and kept saying "owie, owie, owie" when the chiro doc was trying to adjust her.  That was all I needed to hear to end all visits.  I'm not going to force my 2 yr old to go to chiro when alot of grown men I know won't even go!  But I was willing to try anything to get her to walk.  Even the chiro said there was nothing structurally wrong with her hips or legs. 

I have done everything I can possibly think of to encourage her that walking is more fun than crawling.  Her poor legs are covered in bruises from crawling over every toy and object in the way.  She's part monkey the way she climbs up everything and jumps off couches onto her daddy laying on the floor. So I know it's not fear anymore.  But i'm at a loss.  I'm dreading September when the therapists start calling us again and scheduling more appointments. I just want her to be "normal" like other kids.  I feel so bad for her that she might be missing out on things that a 2 yr old gets to experience.  And I'm left all alone as a mother with little support except the occasional "oh dont worry she will soon, she'll be up and running in no time!"  People just have no idea the pain I go through everyday waiting for her to figure it out and do it. I have never met another mommy or daddy that has ever gone through this.  What 2 yr old doesn't walk? I know if I search for it online of course there's tons of stories.  But I could write a story, it's not the same as going through that experience and knowing the pain and frustration and the social stigma this puts on her. It makes her different.  And I dont think parents ever want that for their child.  

And now we're working on her speech.  She hardly says anything, a handful of words 20 I think. And up to 30 signs....but I really dont think she's remembering them all anymore.  She just points and grunts and the occasional word comes out and surprises us, like the other day she said diaper to her daddy, clear as day. And she will not call me mommy anymore.  I'm now da-da. Or a grunt. She plays with her toys and makes up songs and babbles all day long, but I have no idea what she's saying.  We've had her hearing tested 2 times. And her eyesight 2 times. (for the walking) and she comes back perfect in each one. She seems to have little interest in speaking.  She's a very quiet girl for the most part, very shy around strangers.

I just keep beating myself up everyday thinking did I do something wrong when I was pregnant?  Am I doing something wrong now?  I read to her, we sing everyday, we play, we colour, we go to the park, we go for walks, we have done TONS of playdates, we go shopping, we watch cartoons, we go swimming, we go visit friends, we go to the beach, and yes we walk and walk and walk around this house.  I've exposed her to my whole life and everyone important to me.  But with this no walking and no talking business you can see how upset I can get at myself. 

I don't like to fail.  I always try to do the best I can in any situation.  But this one has smacked me on my butt and I just don't know what else to do. I want the very best for her, I always have. I just go to bed every night praying that she will just do it tomorrow. That she will find crawling sucks and just stand up and go.

I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not looking for advice or tips by this, i'm just a momma who needed to finally get it all out, instead of bottling it up inside. And I'd like to stop blaming myself...

Bikers

I love bikers. I have had a love affair with bikers in my head since I was 15 years old. 

It all started when my dad was posted here and we drove through the States to get to BC and along the way he made a detour through Sturgis just when the annual motorcycle rally was happening.   There is nothing quite like Sturgis. That was the summer of 1990. The bikes, the noise, the scantily clad ladies and scuzzy looking leathered up men. Everyone is in black leather, some have patches, some do not, some look like they just got off parole, some look like doctors.  Every walk of life was there...including me, a 15 year old cute little teeny bopper who had never been so close to bikers before...ever.

And that's when my love of the "bad boy" began.  To this day I can not stop my head from turning when I hear the thundering sound of a chopper or Harley drive past me...and yes, I MUST see who's riding it. He could be a sexy muscle bound greased up juice monkey, or an older, grey-hair, long beard wearing, bandana sportin dude and I'll still look. I can't help myself!

There's just something about them that I find unattainable that makes my heart go "pitter patter lets get at 'er!" its that whole bad boy thing.  The ones you are not supposed to bring home to mom and dad.  Dont get me wrong I have a great guy now, and he's WELL aware of my not-so-secret love affair with the biker boys (he has Angelina Jolie and PINK, I have bikers) and he teases me every chance he gets..."I'm surprised you dont have whiplash checking that one out!"  he says.

What is it about bikers? Because i'm not into ALL bikers.  There's what I consider a "biker" to be, and then there's the "i'm too pretty i better get a crotch rocket and look like Tom Cruise off Top Gun" guys.  Yeah...not into those boys.  That's my brother for sure, and eeewwww, its my brother! lol No offense to him, my brother has a beautiful bike and he goes on awesome bike road trips and has a blast. But if his friends on that style of bike went past me, I wouldn't even look. Does nothing for me. But I still love my brother!!

I think its the sound of the Harley or the choppers that get to me.  Its loud and annoying and it just screams...look at me!  I love it!  The leather, the boots, the bikes, all of it creates this big ole' package of sexiness.

And yet here I am, 35 years old, its been 20 years of this love affair...and I`ve still never been on the back of a Harley yet. But I will continue to be true to myself and love those greasy bastards til the day I die!
Ride On!