struggles

So anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything for my sweet baby girl. She is the reason I get up and smile every single morning and count myself as the luckiest lady in all the land to have such a beautiful sweet girl. But this past year hasn't been so great for me as a mother.  I feel like a failure almost everyday because no matter how hard I try, or how many therapy appointments I take her to, I can't get her to walk by herself. Or now talk. It seriously has brought me to tears thinking about all the 2 year old she used to hang with and how much fun they have running and playing at the beach, or the parks and knowing that my little girl spent her summer sitting on the ground or in my arms. And I think if one more person tells me "oh all kids learn at their own pace" one more time, I might snap. She's 2 now and will walk for a bit holding my hand, but its never a long stretch, maybe across a parking lot, or down the hall, and then she wants to sit again and just crawl. We have done physical therapy since she was 4 months old, every 2 weeks, starting with a neck problem she had, then it turned to her not crawling, then not walking.  Which then spiraled into child development coming to see us every other week to help her with speech and fine motor skills.  Which I must say she's excelled at the fine motor skills...speech not so much. From that came a long awaited Occupational therapy every week.  By the end of July it had been so many months of therapy that I just about snapped on them and said enough, please let us have August off from all therapy. I just needed a break to clear my head and let her be a kid with no therapy appointments. They all agreed that momma needed the break more than anyone.

So I thought I would try chiropractic care for her.  We went 3 times and I must admit 2 days before her 2nd birthday she stood up and walked across the living room all by herself....a couple times. But then not many steps the rest of the week, and certainly not when anyone else was around but her mommy & daddy. After her first chiro appt she was walking so much around the living room that night, I thought this is great!!  But of course the 2nd & 3rd visit to the doctor wasn't so good.  My daughter screamed, terrified it would hurt and kept saying "owie, owie, owie" when the chiro doc was trying to adjust her.  That was all I needed to hear to end all visits.  I'm not going to force my 2 yr old to go to chiro when alot of grown men I know won't even go!  But I was willing to try anything to get her to walk.  Even the chiro said there was nothing structurally wrong with her hips or legs. 

I have done everything I can possibly think of to encourage her that walking is more fun than crawling.  Her poor legs are covered in bruises from crawling over every toy and object in the way.  She's part monkey the way she climbs up everything and jumps off couches onto her daddy laying on the floor. So I know it's not fear anymore.  But i'm at a loss.  I'm dreading September when the therapists start calling us again and scheduling more appointments. I just want her to be "normal" like other kids.  I feel so bad for her that she might be missing out on things that a 2 yr old gets to experience.  And I'm left all alone as a mother with little support except the occasional "oh dont worry she will soon, she'll be up and running in no time!"  People just have no idea the pain I go through everyday waiting for her to figure it out and do it. I have never met another mommy or daddy that has ever gone through this.  What 2 yr old doesn't walk? I know if I search for it online of course there's tons of stories.  But I could write a story, it's not the same as going through that experience and knowing the pain and frustration and the social stigma this puts on her. It makes her different.  And I dont think parents ever want that for their child.  

And now we're working on her speech.  She hardly says anything, a handful of words 20 I think. And up to 30 signs....but I really dont think she's remembering them all anymore.  She just points and grunts and the occasional word comes out and surprises us, like the other day she said diaper to her daddy, clear as day. And she will not call me mommy anymore.  I'm now da-da. Or a grunt. She plays with her toys and makes up songs and babbles all day long, but I have no idea what she's saying.  We've had her hearing tested 2 times. And her eyesight 2 times. (for the walking) and she comes back perfect in each one. She seems to have little interest in speaking.  She's a very quiet girl for the most part, very shy around strangers.

I just keep beating myself up everyday thinking did I do something wrong when I was pregnant?  Am I doing something wrong now?  I read to her, we sing everyday, we play, we colour, we go to the park, we go for walks, we have done TONS of playdates, we go shopping, we watch cartoons, we go swimming, we go visit friends, we go to the beach, and yes we walk and walk and walk around this house.  I've exposed her to my whole life and everyone important to me.  But with this no walking and no talking business you can see how upset I can get at myself. 

I don't like to fail.  I always try to do the best I can in any situation.  But this one has smacked me on my butt and I just don't know what else to do. I want the very best for her, I always have. I just go to bed every night praying that she will just do it tomorrow. That she will find crawling sucks and just stand up and go.

I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not looking for advice or tips by this, i'm just a momma who needed to finally get it all out, instead of bottling it up inside. And I'd like to stop blaming myself...

Bikers

I love bikers. I have had a love affair with bikers in my head since I was 15 years old. 

It all started when my dad was posted here and we drove through the States to get to BC and along the way he made a detour through Sturgis just when the annual motorcycle rally was happening.   There is nothing quite like Sturgis. That was the summer of 1990. The bikes, the noise, the scantily clad ladies and scuzzy looking leathered up men. Everyone is in black leather, some have patches, some do not, some look like they just got off parole, some look like doctors.  Every walk of life was there...including me, a 15 year old cute little teeny bopper who had never been so close to bikers before...ever.

And that's when my love of the "bad boy" began.  To this day I can not stop my head from turning when I hear the thundering sound of a chopper or Harley drive past me...and yes, I MUST see who's riding it. He could be a sexy muscle bound greased up juice monkey, or an older, grey-hair, long beard wearing, bandana sportin dude and I'll still look. I can't help myself!

There's just something about them that I find unattainable that makes my heart go "pitter patter lets get at 'er!" its that whole bad boy thing.  The ones you are not supposed to bring home to mom and dad.  Dont get me wrong I have a great guy now, and he's WELL aware of my not-so-secret love affair with the biker boys (he has Angelina Jolie and PINK, I have bikers) and he teases me every chance he gets..."I'm surprised you dont have whiplash checking that one out!"  he says.

What is it about bikers? Because i'm not into ALL bikers.  There's what I consider a "biker" to be, and then there's the "i'm too pretty i better get a crotch rocket and look like Tom Cruise off Top Gun" guys.  Yeah...not into those boys.  That's my brother for sure, and eeewwww, its my brother! lol No offense to him, my brother has a beautiful bike and he goes on awesome bike road trips and has a blast. But if his friends on that style of bike went past me, I wouldn't even look. Does nothing for me. But I still love my brother!!

I think its the sound of the Harley or the choppers that get to me.  Its loud and annoying and it just screams...look at me!  I love it!  The leather, the boots, the bikes, all of it creates this big ole' package of sexiness.

And yet here I am, 35 years old, its been 20 years of this love affair...and I`ve still never been on the back of a Harley yet. But I will continue to be true to myself and love those greasy bastards til the day I die!
Ride On!

Turtle

So the past couple weeks I have been going to my Chiropractor for adjustments.  Really, I'm so used to my constant low back pain I've had most of my life but once my neck started giving me problems I thought I better go see the doc.

I used to go to chiro about 5 years ago.  I am the type of patient who wants a few weeks of good ole' back cracking...I want to hear the snaps and pops! And then i'm good for awhile.  But my chiropractor wants me to pay for a 12 month (and possibly more) "corrective care" plan she has.  I know this is her business and how she makes money, by repeat visits, but I'm on a budget here, we are down to one and a quarter income right now (I only work 2 days a week) so paying thousands of dollars for chiro is completely NOT happening right now in my life.

So today was the visit where we looked at my neck X-Ray from today compared to 5 years ago, to see how bad I am, and yes it's gotten worse, i'm in stage 2 of neck "decay".  Sounds horrific doesn't it? Basically my neck and head sit forward.  Then she tells me that 5 years ago you could see my #7 vertabrae, now today its hiding in my shoulders.....I asked "like a turtle?", she said "well yes kind of".  HONESTLY IT TOOK EVERY OUNCE OF SELF CONTROL NOT TO SAY "AM I NOT TURTLEY ENOUGH FOR THE TURTLE CLUB?" bahahahahahaha. Ok no jokes, I guess I am shrinking...into my shoulders.  So she says its from bad posture and my enormous breasts (ok she didn't really say that, but its true) She said from the extra weight in the front i'm carrying.

So now I have to sit up straight, get a breast reduction, (she didn't say that but I want one), and lose some pounds. UGH!! If only it was that easy!!!  At least my neck feels great these days, even though of course she wants to see me 3 times a week...sorry not going to happen, I dont have time with a 2 yr in my life.

That's it, thats all I've got today.  Life hasn't been to interesting these days....I'll try to spice it up for you!!
(P.S. and turtles are cute!)

Bring on the rain!

I am NOT a fan of summer. I dont like to sit in the sun and tan, a total waste of my time, plus bad for you. I don't like the heat more than a couple weeks, then I'm done with it. It has been so hot for so long and no rain for weeks I think.  I would love for someone to do a rain dance and get it wet outside!!!  The smoke from the forest fires in the interior is hovering over our island now, and even though it is lifting and floating away, it still makes it muggy and slightly uncomfortable. Bye Bye summer, please go away. I'm all done with you now.

Now Fall is my season!!!  If I could live in a place where its fall almost all year round, please let me know and I will move there...seriously!  I love wearing jeans and a hoodie.  Not shorts and tanks. I like it to be sunny but a tiny bit crisp in the air. Not so cold that you see your breath, but cool enough that a hoodie is the perfect thing to wear. I love the colours of fall, bright reds and burnt oranges, mellow yellows and muted greens.  I love fall more than any other season.  Plus you have Halloween and Thanksgiving, which I love both equally!  I love the pumpkin patches, and leaves falling off the trees, my allergies are no longer bothersome to me as well.  I love those rainy days that remind you the winter is coming. Where I live we don't get alot of snow, maybe a week of it, but mostly rain. And more rain, and even MORE rain.  By the spring comes along I always look forward to a bit of summer to break the rain spell.  But its into August now and I'm feeling that back-to-school-urge of cooler nights, and windy days.

I think I love back-to-school. Not because I have kids in school yet, but it reminds me of the simple times in life. Where  my folks would take us shopping for new shoes and jeans, books and fun pencil cases. And going to school and trying hard was the only responsibility we had.  But it also meant that it was cold enough to wear those new jeans and hoodies we got. Summer clothes got boxed up and put away, and my closet was full of new choices to face every morning.  September is when my "new" year begins.  I dont think of January as the new year, I still think of September as the fresh new start to another year of my life.

I am counting down the days to fall. And looking forward to my "new" year beginning.  I see some changes on the horizon, and a new hoodie in my future!

The Cake

So my baby girl just turned 2!  So hard for me to grasp that, but it is what it is.  Time has flew by, seriously!

So since our camping plans changed to NOT camping, and getting my mum to bring cupcakes to the campsite, I decided to bake and decorate my 1st themed cake for my wee girl.

It really was a piece of cake. hahahaha sorry, had to say it! I baked it off in a pyrex measuring cup, that was in the shape of the cake. Once it was cool, I put it on a plate and froze it for the day, so it would be easier to frost. And it was, I cut out the hole where the doll sits, trimmed the edge around her waist so it was smoother, and frosted the green grass skirt first. Once the lines were all in place, I refroze the cake for an hour to harden it up before I worked on the flowers. That was the tricky part.  Working with a tip is a first for me, so I had to work fast since the pink was melting and sliding off the cake.  But I managed pretty good, added the stars and then covered the doll in plastic wrap, shoved her down in the hole, bada-boom bada-bing, almost done! (can you tell I watch alot of "Cake Boss"?) Added a bikini top to the doll, wrapped a lei around the bottom, added a blob of icing to the plate to push the #2 into and then popped it all back in the fridge til showtime.  

I think it turned out good for my first time.  My grandmother was a cake maker back when she was alive, and I'm sure she would have been so proud of me. Now I'm on the wait list for a cake decorating class in the fall.  Yes I am!  I need advice and to learn more, but I'm pleased with how it turned out, and tasted!!  Now that I started this new tradition I'm going to have to do it every year. But I'd do anything for my little girl.  Happy Birthday sweetness!!!