see there was this boy, and well, nothing happened!

I was talking to a friend yesterday about back in our pre-mommy days of how different our summers were, and we were having a pity party for two. But it got me thinking about what I am missing in my life. This has been my year of self discovery, in so many ways. Trying to get a handle on my health to be a better mother to live a long and healthy life to watch my kids grow up. That struggle is still there, but this post is for something different.

In order to lose the weight I want to, I have to heal my inside, my brain and my heart. There have been a lot of tears shed this year as I've been struggling to find out what I am missing, when it seems to the outside world like I have everything. Two healthy amazing kids, a house I own, and a man who puts up with my crazy....or else he's the one driving me there I'm not sure yet hahaha.

But inside i'm struggling with a few things, and losing Me, the girl who was always happy and giggly and smiling and wanted to have fun all the time.

When I think back to all the fun I have had for the past 20 summers or so, one thing comes to mind....freedom.  The freedom before I had kids was something I didn't appreciate.  Now before I go into this, please use your friggin' brain and know that I 100% love my children and am so happy to be a mother. This isn't about regret, this is about a woman who is struggling to find the girl who was always laughing and smiling and cracking people up. The girl who always wanted FUN. That doesn't mean I can't wish for the life I used to know. So with that, you may continue reading.

I remember so many summers where if I wanted to go do something, I just did it! I wanted to go tubing down the river, or swimming in the lake I called some friends and we just went.  Wanted to drive down Island go shopping and lunch at a non-kid-friendly restaurant and came home at anytime at night, I did.  I didn't have to be home by 8:30 to put my kids to bed like now. The hours and hours I spent talking to boys on the phone, and secretly planning my future with them while I doodled hearts and flowers all over the telephone book, the hundreds of times my girls and I went to the bars and drank it up, danced it up and flirted it up week after week.  The weekends spent on a friends boat whipping us around like rag dolls on tubes and drinking and flirting and holding extra long gazes at crushes when I thought no one was looking. hahaha i'm sure I was caught looking a few times though, my blush gives me away everytime. The camping trips and fishing on the lake, not a care in the world. The cuddle sessions that were never meant to be, and secret hand holding with a certain boy that I don't even think I ever told my bestie about to this day. The freedom to buy whatever new CD or pair of jeans I wanted, not thinking I wonder if I need diapers? Diapers before jeans now my friends! The barn dances, with my tightest jeans and cowboy boots and a top with just enough cleavage to get noticed and just enough slutty makeup to not be trashy, but just enough to feel incredible. Merritt Mountain music fest 1998.  The best weekend ever. So many memories, so much fun and I also left a tiny piece of my heart there...see there was this boy, and well, nothing happened.  Story of my friggin life! Oh well, I will still remember how much fun we had that weekend, not a care in the world except I hope i'm not too hung over tomorrow. The Dixie Chicks were there that year, and I believe my Honda Civic was named Sin Wagon shortly after that.  My little white Honda held so many memories, she drove me to Ontario with my brother, and then back home, and then back to Ontario, and then up to Edmonton where she started dying on me.  I should have taken that as a sign, a lot of my old me died in Edmonton. A big heartbreak, and life lessons were learned, friendships changed and drifted apart, but other ones came closer together.  I drove my Sin Wagon home from Alberta to here with no clutch, drove over the Coquihalla in 2nd gear the whole way, a shoestring holding the hood down, the driver's side door that wouldn't open (the bolts fell out as I opened it that morning I was moving away) and it was packed to the hilt with all my shit. All my stuff in a U-Haul with a giant sea turtle on it (that I had a dream about a sea turtle swallowing me up, and sexy firefighters coming to my rescue...the firefighters have still never come, sad to say) But I made it home. And it was a blast driving home with dear friends. To all the boys I was crushing on, and there were quite a few of you, thanks for never looking my way or even noticing me. All that rejection builds character, hahaha. And to the ones that took chances on me, thanks for breaking my heart over and over again. Took me awhile to learn what I needed too, but i'm still saying thank you. Some of you are still on my fb, that means I don't hate your guts ;)  You brought me to where I am today, and I still hold fond memories of certain ones. To all my girlfriends who did shots with me at the bar, and drank til we were on the floor laughing our asses off, thank you. I may not see all of you as much as I want to anymore, we all have kids and lives that keep us busy, but I hope you all still remember the fun we had.  It was always fun, and so much laughter and good times. And nothing but freedom from responsibility.

Now my weekends are filled with trips to the park and playing with the kids, running errands and wiping snotty noses. And I love it all, I really do.  I am so happy I got to have such a carefree wonderful twenties and got to really explore who I was.  But now that i'm in my late 30's, and I'm about to start a new adventure that will forever change my destiny, I can't help but think about all those memories that brought me to where I am today. A woman who is trying to find the balance of being free and fun and also responsible and scheduled.  It's a tough balance for sure.

But deep down inside my inner Goddess is screaming to be riding down the highway in a '69 Camaro with Skid Rock blasting "Summertime" on the stereo doing a high speed chase with nothing but Cherries and Berries in the rear view mirror, laughing my ass off with my best girlfriend.

She's in there somewhere...

So this summer when you are sitting on your couch thinking of what you are doing this weekend, think about what you are NOT doing that might be fun.  Time to get out more with friends and have girl nights and drinkies, and BBQ's and remember that it's ok to go out with no kids, and have a night "off", and not have to be home to put them to bed...the kids will survive for one night with you out having a good time. I would much rather my kids grow up knowing that their mom was happy and smiling and full of laughter, then sad and wishing there was more money, or more anything really.

Time to crank up the Skid Rock and enjoy the ride again...