struggles

So anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything for my sweet baby girl. She is the reason I get up and smile every single morning and count myself as the luckiest lady in all the land to have such a beautiful sweet girl. But this past year hasn't been so great for me as a mother.  I feel like a failure almost everyday because no matter how hard I try, or how many therapy appointments I take her to, I can't get her to walk by herself. Or now talk. It seriously has brought me to tears thinking about all the 2 year old she used to hang with and how much fun they have running and playing at the beach, or the parks and knowing that my little girl spent her summer sitting on the ground or in my arms. And I think if one more person tells me "oh all kids learn at their own pace" one more time, I might snap. She's 2 now and will walk for a bit holding my hand, but its never a long stretch, maybe across a parking lot, or down the hall, and then she wants to sit again and just crawl. We have done physical therapy since she was 4 months old, every 2 weeks, starting with a neck problem she had, then it turned to her not crawling, then not walking.  Which then spiraled into child development coming to see us every other week to help her with speech and fine motor skills.  Which I must say she's excelled at the fine motor skills...speech not so much. From that came a long awaited Occupational therapy every week.  By the end of July it had been so many months of therapy that I just about snapped on them and said enough, please let us have August off from all therapy. I just needed a break to clear my head and let her be a kid with no therapy appointments. They all agreed that momma needed the break more than anyone.

So I thought I would try chiropractic care for her.  We went 3 times and I must admit 2 days before her 2nd birthday she stood up and walked across the living room all by herself....a couple times. But then not many steps the rest of the week, and certainly not when anyone else was around but her mommy & daddy. After her first chiro appt she was walking so much around the living room that night, I thought this is great!!  But of course the 2nd & 3rd visit to the doctor wasn't so good.  My daughter screamed, terrified it would hurt and kept saying "owie, owie, owie" when the chiro doc was trying to adjust her.  That was all I needed to hear to end all visits.  I'm not going to force my 2 yr old to go to chiro when alot of grown men I know won't even go!  But I was willing to try anything to get her to walk.  Even the chiro said there was nothing structurally wrong with her hips or legs. 

I have done everything I can possibly think of to encourage her that walking is more fun than crawling.  Her poor legs are covered in bruises from crawling over every toy and object in the way.  She's part monkey the way she climbs up everything and jumps off couches onto her daddy laying on the floor. So I know it's not fear anymore.  But i'm at a loss.  I'm dreading September when the therapists start calling us again and scheduling more appointments. I just want her to be "normal" like other kids.  I feel so bad for her that she might be missing out on things that a 2 yr old gets to experience.  And I'm left all alone as a mother with little support except the occasional "oh dont worry she will soon, she'll be up and running in no time!"  People just have no idea the pain I go through everyday waiting for her to figure it out and do it. I have never met another mommy or daddy that has ever gone through this.  What 2 yr old doesn't walk? I know if I search for it online of course there's tons of stories.  But I could write a story, it's not the same as going through that experience and knowing the pain and frustration and the social stigma this puts on her. It makes her different.  And I dont think parents ever want that for their child.  

And now we're working on her speech.  She hardly says anything, a handful of words 20 I think. And up to 30 signs....but I really dont think she's remembering them all anymore.  She just points and grunts and the occasional word comes out and surprises us, like the other day she said diaper to her daddy, clear as day. And she will not call me mommy anymore.  I'm now da-da. Or a grunt. She plays with her toys and makes up songs and babbles all day long, but I have no idea what she's saying.  We've had her hearing tested 2 times. And her eyesight 2 times. (for the walking) and she comes back perfect in each one. She seems to have little interest in speaking.  She's a very quiet girl for the most part, very shy around strangers.

I just keep beating myself up everyday thinking did I do something wrong when I was pregnant?  Am I doing something wrong now?  I read to her, we sing everyday, we play, we colour, we go to the park, we go for walks, we have done TONS of playdates, we go shopping, we watch cartoons, we go swimming, we go visit friends, we go to the beach, and yes we walk and walk and walk around this house.  I've exposed her to my whole life and everyone important to me.  But with this no walking and no talking business you can see how upset I can get at myself. 

I don't like to fail.  I always try to do the best I can in any situation.  But this one has smacked me on my butt and I just don't know what else to do. I want the very best for her, I always have. I just go to bed every night praying that she will just do it tomorrow. That she will find crawling sucks and just stand up and go.

I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not looking for advice or tips by this, i'm just a momma who needed to finally get it all out, instead of bottling it up inside. And I'd like to stop blaming myself...

Bikers

I love bikers. I have had a love affair with bikers in my head since I was 15 years old. 

It all started when my dad was posted here and we drove through the States to get to BC and along the way he made a detour through Sturgis just when the annual motorcycle rally was happening.   There is nothing quite like Sturgis. That was the summer of 1990. The bikes, the noise, the scantily clad ladies and scuzzy looking leathered up men. Everyone is in black leather, some have patches, some do not, some look like they just got off parole, some look like doctors.  Every walk of life was there...including me, a 15 year old cute little teeny bopper who had never been so close to bikers before...ever.

And that's when my love of the "bad boy" began.  To this day I can not stop my head from turning when I hear the thundering sound of a chopper or Harley drive past me...and yes, I MUST see who's riding it. He could be a sexy muscle bound greased up juice monkey, or an older, grey-hair, long beard wearing, bandana sportin dude and I'll still look. I can't help myself!

There's just something about them that I find unattainable that makes my heart go "pitter patter lets get at 'er!" its that whole bad boy thing.  The ones you are not supposed to bring home to mom and dad.  Dont get me wrong I have a great guy now, and he's WELL aware of my not-so-secret love affair with the biker boys (he has Angelina Jolie and PINK, I have bikers) and he teases me every chance he gets..."I'm surprised you dont have whiplash checking that one out!"  he says.

What is it about bikers? Because i'm not into ALL bikers.  There's what I consider a "biker" to be, and then there's the "i'm too pretty i better get a crotch rocket and look like Tom Cruise off Top Gun" guys.  Yeah...not into those boys.  That's my brother for sure, and eeewwww, its my brother! lol No offense to him, my brother has a beautiful bike and he goes on awesome bike road trips and has a blast. But if his friends on that style of bike went past me, I wouldn't even look. Does nothing for me. But I still love my brother!!

I think its the sound of the Harley or the choppers that get to me.  Its loud and annoying and it just screams...look at me!  I love it!  The leather, the boots, the bikes, all of it creates this big ole' package of sexiness.

And yet here I am, 35 years old, its been 20 years of this love affair...and I`ve still never been on the back of a Harley yet. But I will continue to be true to myself and love those greasy bastards til the day I die!
Ride On!

Turtle

So the past couple weeks I have been going to my Chiropractor for adjustments.  Really, I'm so used to my constant low back pain I've had most of my life but once my neck started giving me problems I thought I better go see the doc.

I used to go to chiro about 5 years ago.  I am the type of patient who wants a few weeks of good ole' back cracking...I want to hear the snaps and pops! And then i'm good for awhile.  But my chiropractor wants me to pay for a 12 month (and possibly more) "corrective care" plan she has.  I know this is her business and how she makes money, by repeat visits, but I'm on a budget here, we are down to one and a quarter income right now (I only work 2 days a week) so paying thousands of dollars for chiro is completely NOT happening right now in my life.

So today was the visit where we looked at my neck X-Ray from today compared to 5 years ago, to see how bad I am, and yes it's gotten worse, i'm in stage 2 of neck "decay".  Sounds horrific doesn't it? Basically my neck and head sit forward.  Then she tells me that 5 years ago you could see my #7 vertabrae, now today its hiding in my shoulders.....I asked "like a turtle?", she said "well yes kind of".  HONESTLY IT TOOK EVERY OUNCE OF SELF CONTROL NOT TO SAY "AM I NOT TURTLEY ENOUGH FOR THE TURTLE CLUB?" bahahahahahaha. Ok no jokes, I guess I am shrinking...into my shoulders.  So she says its from bad posture and my enormous breasts (ok she didn't really say that, but its true) She said from the extra weight in the front i'm carrying.

So now I have to sit up straight, get a breast reduction, (she didn't say that but I want one), and lose some pounds. UGH!! If only it was that easy!!!  At least my neck feels great these days, even though of course she wants to see me 3 times a week...sorry not going to happen, I dont have time with a 2 yr in my life.

That's it, thats all I've got today.  Life hasn't been to interesting these days....I'll try to spice it up for you!!
(P.S. and turtles are cute!)

Bring on the rain!

I am NOT a fan of summer. I dont like to sit in the sun and tan, a total waste of my time, plus bad for you. I don't like the heat more than a couple weeks, then I'm done with it. It has been so hot for so long and no rain for weeks I think.  I would love for someone to do a rain dance and get it wet outside!!!  The smoke from the forest fires in the interior is hovering over our island now, and even though it is lifting and floating away, it still makes it muggy and slightly uncomfortable. Bye Bye summer, please go away. I'm all done with you now.

Now Fall is my season!!!  If I could live in a place where its fall almost all year round, please let me know and I will move there...seriously!  I love wearing jeans and a hoodie.  Not shorts and tanks. I like it to be sunny but a tiny bit crisp in the air. Not so cold that you see your breath, but cool enough that a hoodie is the perfect thing to wear. I love the colours of fall, bright reds and burnt oranges, mellow yellows and muted greens.  I love fall more than any other season.  Plus you have Halloween and Thanksgiving, which I love both equally!  I love the pumpkin patches, and leaves falling off the trees, my allergies are no longer bothersome to me as well.  I love those rainy days that remind you the winter is coming. Where I live we don't get alot of snow, maybe a week of it, but mostly rain. And more rain, and even MORE rain.  By the spring comes along I always look forward to a bit of summer to break the rain spell.  But its into August now and I'm feeling that back-to-school-urge of cooler nights, and windy days.

I think I love back-to-school. Not because I have kids in school yet, but it reminds me of the simple times in life. Where  my folks would take us shopping for new shoes and jeans, books and fun pencil cases. And going to school and trying hard was the only responsibility we had.  But it also meant that it was cold enough to wear those new jeans and hoodies we got. Summer clothes got boxed up and put away, and my closet was full of new choices to face every morning.  September is when my "new" year begins.  I dont think of January as the new year, I still think of September as the fresh new start to another year of my life.

I am counting down the days to fall. And looking forward to my "new" year beginning.  I see some changes on the horizon, and a new hoodie in my future!

The Cake

So my baby girl just turned 2!  So hard for me to grasp that, but it is what it is.  Time has flew by, seriously!

So since our camping plans changed to NOT camping, and getting my mum to bring cupcakes to the campsite, I decided to bake and decorate my 1st themed cake for my wee girl.

It really was a piece of cake. hahahaha sorry, had to say it! I baked it off in a pyrex measuring cup, that was in the shape of the cake. Once it was cool, I put it on a plate and froze it for the day, so it would be easier to frost. And it was, I cut out the hole where the doll sits, trimmed the edge around her waist so it was smoother, and frosted the green grass skirt first. Once the lines were all in place, I refroze the cake for an hour to harden it up before I worked on the flowers. That was the tricky part.  Working with a tip is a first for me, so I had to work fast since the pink was melting and sliding off the cake.  But I managed pretty good, added the stars and then covered the doll in plastic wrap, shoved her down in the hole, bada-boom bada-bing, almost done! (can you tell I watch alot of "Cake Boss"?) Added a bikini top to the doll, wrapped a lei around the bottom, added a blob of icing to the plate to push the #2 into and then popped it all back in the fridge til showtime.  

I think it turned out good for my first time.  My grandmother was a cake maker back when she was alive, and I'm sure she would have been so proud of me. Now I'm on the wait list for a cake decorating class in the fall.  Yes I am!  I need advice and to learn more, but I'm pleased with how it turned out, and tasted!!  Now that I started this new tradition I'm going to have to do it every year. But I'd do anything for my little girl.  Happy Birthday sweetness!!!

Out with the old...

So my daughter's 2nd birthday is fast approaching.  And we have already bought her new toys and I know a few other things she's getting from family as well.  And I sit here looking around the house thinking....yup, it's time to pack up her "baby" toys and make room for new big girl ones. Some friends say oh keep them for when you have another baby.  And I might keep some, but most are going bye-bye! I just don't have the room and I can't hold on to things that are waiting for baby #2, that could be years away....who knows!  We have no idea what our future holds and with such a tiny home we bought and very little storage, some things just have to go. Kids toys are getting bigger and bigger!  Its hard to buy a tiny toy anymore, everything is huge and clutters up the house. 

I find these days she's more interested in reading her books, colouring, painting, playing with the toys that use her imagination more than pressing a button and they do their thing.  She is very bored by the noisy toys (secretly i'm soooooooo happy about that!!) I can't wait to play with her on her birthday with one of her new toys she's getting.  She will freak her freak!! :) It was one of my faves as a child, and I hope its hers too. And since she's not interested in dollies or stuffed animals just yet, I do hope she likes what we picked out for her.

I am having a Hawaiian luau themed party for her and even found the cutest lei and baby sized grass skirt!  hahaha oh my its cute.  Now to get her to wear it will be the tricky part! And all of us there will get a lei to wear as well. I can't wait to decorate!!  Sunday will be a very fun day :)  I took the weekend off work as I did last year too, and I am hoping I will always be able to have her birthday "party" day off....there is NOTHING more important to me than my little girl.
xoxoxox

time's a tickin'

My 20 year highschool grad reunion is in 3 years. That makes me really old. When I was graduating and trying to think ahead to what our lives would be like at the 20 year reunion, I kept thinking, wow i'll be so old by then.  But time is starting to catch up to me. If the party was tomorrow night and someone asked What have you been up to since grad?.....I wouldn't have alot to say. Don't get me wrong, i'm no hermit and I have done oodles and oodles of things.....but I guess I still haven't achieved MANY of the goals I thought I would have achieved by this time.

I thought I would have been married. I thought I would have travelled somewhere. I thought I would have had more than one child. Maybe had a doggie, or a kitty. I would have been skinny. I would have a tight, close knit groups of friends. I would have dinner parties and ski trips, camping trips in my trailer, not the tent!  I have allowed life to just happen, and only a few occasions I can think of where I made a specific changes to change the outcome of my destiny.

The time has come to make a few adjustments. Time to get back to living and ticking off one by one the goals I need to set for myself.  I already have a list made of the things I want to accomplish. Its hard to know how to start these changes though.  I need some inspiration...

Canada Day

So this year Canada Day was on a thursday, and my fiance had thursday and friday off this year!!  And since he works monday-friday, and I work saturday/sundays, we really look forward to having any days off together...and this year we got 2 in a row!!!!  So my only request...we are NOT wasting the day watching tv or staying in the house!

So yesterday on the holiday it was rainy, and not that nice out.  So instead of the parade and going to the park to see the festivities we thought, let's skip it this year, our little girl won't remember it anyways, she's too young, and lets head to the next major city which is about an hour or so away to do some shopping for our little monkey girl who is almost 2!!  What a success! Sometimes shopping can be stressful when you can't find what you are looking for, but this year we lucked out with a great sale on 3 of the things we wanted. I love a good sale!!! I can't wait for her to open her gifts.  Even though she was in the cart when we got everything, we let her play with her new sand bucket and shovel for the beach and she forgot about everything else sitting in the cart with her!  And really, at this age is still about about mommy and daddy and how we get excited for her, she really wouldn't care if we got her a stick and a tin can...she'd have fun!  So after hours of shopping fun, the ride home was so peaceful with a sleeping baby in the backseat. She shopped til she dropped, literally! I had to snap a picture of it too, since she fell asleep with her sunnies on...so adorable!
So we had a later supper and then movie night for us after she went to bed and it was a great day. It's always so much fun spending someone else's money!

Today we knew was supposed to be sunny. So while she was having a morning nap, I ran out and got my groceries came home, my fiance made us yummy sammies and when we were ready we decided to go to the beach and take some family pictures.  The last time the 3 of us were in a picture together was almost a year ago. It was time for some new ones!!  It was so sunny but really breezy down by the ocean today, but we still had fun enjoying mother nature at its finest, and snapping some new summer pictures! 

Then it was off to Canadian Tire to stock up on our camping supplies for next months trip!!  I managed to grab some glow sticks! lol. I think that's my fave thing about camping, hanging a blue glowstick in the tent....don't know why or when I ever started this, but I can't camp without one, and it HAS to be blue! I'm weird I know.  Got a couple new air mattresses, and also my daughter got her first sleeping bag!!! I hope she likes camping! Now we are home, the baby and her daddy are both napping. When they wake up we are having a steak BBQ with caesar salad, new potatoes, and veggies.  I think we'll be sitting on the patio for sure this evening. We need to soak in some more sun and enjoy this beautiful summer day.

Its not like we did anything wild or exciting, but for us just to have 2 full days together was awesome. I'm getting sad they are almost over and I have to go to work this weekend, but that's life. Until I win the Lottery I just have to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. I told him today maybe we should think about having another baby....he put some beer in the fridge. Hahahaha. (guess that's a no.)

Hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend!

friends

Friends come and go. That's the way life goes sometimes. And I think its really ok.  We don't always have to be good friends forever....sometimes people are welcomed into our lives for reasons unknown to us at the time. Its like a new romance, exciting at first, but we all know not all of them work out to last forever.  And that's ok too.  It is what helps us grow into who we are and who we might be striving to be. 

I am a firm believer that nature runs its course, as do friendships.  I have had fantastic friendships in the past come to a stand-still and not sure what we have in common anymore, and then we parted ways.  But TRUE friends  find a way later in life to come back and tap on the window and see if you want to have some tea. I think in the past the relationships I've had with friends were because of circumstances and events going on in my life at that time. Highschool, college, work places, and living in different towns all had people who meant the world to me, but they are not all still in my life. Doesn't mean I don't think about them from time to time, and wonder how they are doing now. I've changed and found new interests, as I'm sure they have too. I've gotten older and started a family, my life of going out all the time is over...for a little while at least!  Priorities change which has to affect the types of friendships I have too.

I've been on a 2 year journey of finding myself again after having the baby. Trying out new groups of friends to see if we mesh, some do, alot don't. Doesn't mean I dont care about them, just means we are not a perfect match. Or we have different goals, beliefs, values, anything really. Finding true, great, wonderful friends who would drop anything to be there for you when you need a shoulder are so hard to find as you get older. It's like finding a new significant other. It starts with trust, friendship and grows from there. The people in my life who I call my true friends are very dear to me.  And some we hang out, some we just email, some live very far away, some we haven't been able to connect alot lately do to, well, just life in general. And some I think are just starting to blossom.

It's ok to have change in your life when it comes to friendships. I need certain people at different times in my life. And they need me for different reasons. Sometimes they work out, but it's really ok if they don't.  I don't want to have any hard feelings if things fizzle...it's like all my past relationships with men.  I don't have evil thoughts when I think of them. They shaped me into who I am today. They taught me what I do NOT want in a man now, and what I remember about them is nothing but fond memories. And the same goes for friendships. Some have helped me through very sad times in my life, when friends and family have passed away there are always a  few people that stand out in my mind that helped me through those things.  Some people are your friends to introduce you to a new friend you never would have met unless that first friend found a way to connect you.   I have a few of those friends now, and I hold them very dear to my heart.

People find a way into your life at a certain point for a very specific reason.  Even if you have no idea what that reason is yet. They will shape you and change you, without you even realize its happening. I have open arms when it comes to meeting new people. I don't feel right when I hear someone say, "I have enough friends".  I don't think that's possible. And I think its sad really. We all want to be loved and wanted and have someone who misses us. We all need someone to confide in and talk out issues with. And I dont think anyone really likes dining alone, all the time.

Friends keep us grounded, they also put it all in perspective. They listen and then listen more. And when you are ready to hear it or not, a true friend will tell you what they think. You don't have to always like it, but if you didn't want their opinion you wouldn't be their friend anyways. Right?

I'm curious to see who my next friend will be....

Hobbies

So since summer is finally arriving, I think it's time I get back to the things I enjoy doing and turn off that darn tv!  It's making me stupider by the day I swear! I asked my significant other if we should cancel cable awhile back, and you would have thought I said we are no longer buying groceries!

But it doesn't mean that once him and the baby are both sound asleep by 9:30pm each night, that I can't turn it off myself. I think it's come to that. (At least a couple nights a week) I have little things I love doing for myself, and I think it's time for this mama to pick a couple "me" nights and turn off the tv and turn on the imagination again. LOL that sounded so dorky! hahaha

I love making homemade jams and jellies, pickles, beets, all of it. I think its rewarding, relaxing and it's bringing me back to my roots of providing for my family.  So since it's strawberry season, I should really head out soon to my fave U-Pick and grab a few quarts and get to canning! Then it'll be blueberries, blackberries etc.  I am hoping to try some new recipes this year as well for other things like chutney, sauces etc. I really want to try my Nanny's recipe for blackberry jelly. I don't remember eating it as a child, she passed away when I was about 12 yrs old. But my mum talks about it all the time, so I want to make it for her. So that's the first thing on the list!

Secondly, my daughter's scrapbook. I scrapbooked every "first" for her first year and it's about 38 pages or so, and I love it so much.  I spent hours making it and put so much effort and thought into which picture was the best for each page.  My fiance would go to hockey once a week in the winter and I would pick that as my scrapbook night. All alone, baby asleep, and mama would get out the papers and tools and spend 1-2 hours creating something so beautiful to share with her when she's older. But now she's almost 2 and I have to catch up!  I want to create a book for the past year of all the fun things we got to do and learn and try, and sharpen my skills a little and try new looks and pages. It's another relaxing thing for me to do. I might even try card making....we'll see. One day!

And lastly reading. I used to read a novel a week. Reading was my escape from life and reality and take myself on a trip somewhere else for an hour or so each night (sometimes longer) and fall in love with characters. I have put reading on the back burner for a long time now. And I really miss it. I have a couple fun summer reads waiting for me to crack open and dive in.

Time for this mama to start enjoying what I used to love to do. The dishes, laundry and toys everywhere will all still be there tomorrow.

Break-ins

So today I was at home alone with my baby, like most days really. And there was a loud knock at my front door, followed by a strange questionable looking man peering into my kitchen window yelling "hello?"...I obviously was taking too long to walk from my living room to the front door, approx. 20 feet. So I opened the door to find a stranger asking me if I would like my windows washed inside and out, screens off, for only $15.  I said no thanks, and closed and locked the door. But it scared me. And my daughter who has just drifted off to sleep in her crib, which is just off the kitchen. So as she's crying and scared and I'm a little more nervous, we both did a fast sweep of the house to make sure the patio door and all windows that were opened were locked or had the stick in them. I have made my fiance cut me thick sticks for every single door and window, even making me a second stick for days I want to have them open a little, it makes me feel safer having the sticks to control how far the window can actually be opened. I have been putting sticks in my patio door since I went to college and my friend who lived upstairs in a house we shared had his dad come make me sticks for my patio out of old hockey sticks.  And since then I have always had sticks if I lived on ground level.

I have been broken into 3 times in my life, and also 2 car break ins. Let me tell you, it's terrifying. The first one I was 5 years old and we lived in New Brunswick and my parents had taken my family to see the move Jesus Christ Superstar (I think..it was some Jesus movie!) and when we were pulling into the driveway a burglar was using a knife and trying to open MY bedroom window. So the police were called and I remember laying in my bed with my mum trying to tuck me into bed and I kept saying to her, "he almost stole my purse!". LOL. I had a red patent leather purse hanging right by that window with $1.00 allowance money in it.  I remember it clear as day. So I layed in bed staring at the window, the blinds were closed but I could see the policeman's flashlights going all over my window inspecting it.  I will never to this day forget how I felt laying there thinking, he's gonna come back and he's gonna take my red purse. That is the beginning of my nervous  nature I think.  *** side note, I must say at 5 years old I had amazing fashion sense owning a red patent leather purse! Funny at 35 years old I now sport a cranberry red leather purse today!! lol

The next time I got broken into I was home.  So was my older brother and my mum.  My father was in the military and I think he was away on course. It was a saturday and I was in grade 10. It was a 2 level house, I was upstairs practicing piano, I was in royal conservatory and can't play a darn thing now, but I did practice piano lessons for about 3 or 4 years.  So I was practicing, with the headphones on.  My brother was downstairs in his room, music playing, and my mum was ironing I think. Or doing some sort of saturday mom chores. And suddenly the house alarm went off, so right away we all run to the nearest wall panel to see what's lit up, and it said the mud room door, which was downstairs. My mum never left the alarm on in the day, this just happened to be our lucky day. My brother ran to the laundry room and the man ran away. Police were there in 3 minutes because our neighbors alarm went off as well.  They did catch the guy.  He was as high as a kite, and he had a knapsack on him with a machete, and a sawed off shot gun  and bullets in it. I am not making this up folks. He told police he thought he was in another town that's about 2 hours from here, and he thought this was his house. But of course he was known to police and he was arrested and charged with some sort of weapons thingy. But the fear of knowing that someone tried to break in who had a giant machete and a sawed off shot gun I think has scared the shit right out of me. After that I didn't trust people again. There are really mean people out there.

The third break in happened at another house we lived in. I was now an adult in my very early 20's still living at home and working full time. I had Wednesday off work back then.  My father was always home by 3pm, and my mum by 5pm. About 2pm I was asleep upstairs (I was 20-ish I like to sleep!!) And I could hear someone trying to come in the house, so I layed there thinking, oh dads home early. And then I swear I heard someone yell in my ear "wake up its not your dad", and I bolted out of bed, ran downstairs and in the rec room on the bottom level was 17-18 yr old  guy standing there with a  knife trying to open the window.  I told him to leave now or I'll call the cops, and I remember him saying, I left something here I'm just here to grab it.  And we had a conversation! I said no you didn't, you've never been here, he said something about being at a party and leaving his bag here, and when I wouldn't budge he started banging on the window trying to break it and he said "You don't scare me, open the f*cking door". I bolted! I ran out the stairs and called for help.  The police just happened to be down the street from me, seriously like 5 doors down, with the dog (dog just had a run at the beach or something) so they heard it on the radio and that dog sniffed him out and found him 4 doors away in the backyard hiding in a compost bin. He told the police he was just hungry and wanted food.  But he was also known to police so he was taken away.

As an adult on my own my old Honda a.k.a. the Sin Wagon (I went through a big Dixie Chicks faze...lol) was broken into 2 times when I lived in Edmonton.  That's scary too, but now HALF as scary as your house. When someone is trying to break in and you stand there watching him, or see him spread eagle on the back of the police car as they remove weapons from his bag, that's shit stays with you.....forever.

I don't sleep well, never have.  And I really don't trust people. And there is no way I am letting some stranger into my home to wash my windows.  I can do it myself thanks. I was even questioning a man that came by a couple weeks ago selling home alarms.  He kept asking me personal questions that I kept refusing to answer and told him I wasn't interested, and he had the balls to tell me, well it's your safety lady. Patio homes are the #1 break in and an alarm would make you safer. He was too pushy for me. And I asked him to leave. But I am skeptical of these people, are they legit alarm company sellers, or are they casing the houses to see who they could break into.

So i'm always on high alert. always locking everything.  On the very few nights (last one was one believe it or not)   that the patio doesn't get the stick put back in, if I see it laying there in the morning I'm almost sick to my stomach with anxiety over the thought of what might have happened. 

I don't think I'll ever forget these terrifying days in my life. And I hope all of you reading this never have to go through this. Count yourself lucky, and please get sticks and locks for your homes!!

peace

I love the water.

I have lived all over Canada, and I always feel the most at home when I'm close to the water. I don't know how to sail, yet, but just being at the beach or the harbor and smelling the ocean air makes me feel sooooooo good!

And I want to make sure my daughter gets to enjoy the wonders of the ocean as often as possible. Now don't get me wrong, I also love lakes and streams and rivers. Put my dream house near any patch of water bigger than a puddle and I'm a happy girl! I could get used to saying, Oh I have a lake house! :) Maybe one day...

But while I'm waiting for that to happen, I try to see the ocean as much as possible. My house now is a 5 minute drive to the ocean, ok maybe 7 mins. We are surrounded by ocean and beaches and a beautiful marina. That's where I took my daughter today for a walk. It was so gorgeous out today with sailboats everywhere and seagulls flying around.  Tons of people walking the boardwalk and just enjoying the day.

I just find it so peaceful near the water. If I'm having a crappy day or need to think about life and all the choices I need to make, the ocean is my favorite place to go. Just to sit and listen to it.  The sounds of birds as they fly around, the waves crashing on the shoreline, the smell of the ocean air, and the cool soft breeze on my skin. There is nothing I love more than those moments.

So today was a great day. My baby girl had fun exploring the boardwalk, and I got to soak in a little happiness.  Just me and her.

Can't get better than that!

xo

Anniversary

So today is our 6 year anniversary. Looking back its gone by so fast, but there has been moments that I thought would never end! We've all had those days!!!

We met online and he wouldn't stop sending me smiles and trying to chat, and I ws thinking...yeah whatever buddy you are 4 years younger than me...go away! But he was persistant so I thought I'd just say hello.....and 4 hours later I logged off that night thinking, wow he's cute and so nice! So that happened again for 3 more nights and then he asked me out for coffee to meet.

***side note;, we lived blocks away from each other when we "met" online, we also lived blocks from each other growing up, never met. And lived in Ontario at the same time, he was doing road construction by this bakery in the tiny town I lived in, I would pass by him and the crew everyday and we never met. But then we logged online one night and found out how many of the same places we'd been to, and never crossed paths!

So I said yes to coffee, but for all I knew he could have been a murderer, so I told one coworker what coffee place I was going to be, so that If I went missing they could start the search party there!! And I asked my friend to call me at exactly 10pm to make sure I was still alive. (hmmm do you think I've watched too many scary movies? lol)

Coffee date went well, conversation flowed nicely, and we decided to go for a walk around the airpark. (later this is the place he proposed about 3.5 years later) So it was almost 10pm and I think he was getting ready to try to kiss me, his hand was on my lower back and we were looking out into the water...very romantic...than the cell starts ringing! Doh!!! And All I heard (and he heard for that matter) when I said hello was my friend speaking in her outside voice "Are you horizontal or vertical?". I almost died of embarassment right there, pretty much hung up after saying i'm fine, simmer down now. But we both started laughing and it totally ruined the mood, but it made the night funny.

And we haven't been apart since. Six years of laughter, tears, adventures, lazy rainy days, junk food nights, game nights, fun nights with friends, nights home sick with the flu, nights at the barn dances, more laughter, more tears, some fights, stress of buying a home, more stress of that pregnancy test saying positive, the joys of meeting our baby girl for the first time, more laughter, dorking out, having lovins, road trips, going for walks, spending time at the beach, or at the lake, drunken nights, sober living, lots of hugs, and even more kisses, hard times, awesome times, and I dont regret one single day. All of it brings us to where we are today, two loving parents who are trying to grow together and raise a beautiful sweet little girl. And two people who fell in love that summer six years ago and promised that no matter what happened to us or what nasty bump we'd hit along the way, that we will always be true to our love and work as hard as we can to overcome it. We made a commitment to make it work and not give up on each other long before we bought the house, long before we had the baby. That we would always be there for each other and always be the best of friends.

I love my best friend and I am so blessed to have him in my life!
And we will always keep laughing....
xoxoxo Happy Anniversary baby! xoxoxo

looking for love

So I was watching a tv show today about TWILIGHT fans, all 10 gazillion of them. And they made some really valid points about why some of us older girls love the Twilight movies so much. And it really struck a chord with me. Watching this teeny-bopper craze brings me back to when I was 14 years old and had some serious first crushes, puppy loves and big dreams about the word love, and everything it entailed. It takes me back to an innocent time in my life, where "bills" were for my parents, and the only responsibility I had was to show up to my babysitting gig I said yes too. This Twilight craze brings me back to a pivotal moment in my life where I was learning what is love all about. And when will I find my Prince Charming....or Corey Feldman. lol

It's different for everyone, but when I was 14, 15, even 16 I truly believed with all my heart that I would end up with a man who swept me off my feet. Who gave me shivers and fireworks exploding every single time we kissed, just like in Dirty Dancing.....that my Patrick Swayze was out there waiting for me. And just like in all my favorite 80's/90's movies when we would glance across a crowded room I could feel the electricity down to my toes. Movies were such a big part of my development in my teen years, whether it was the right or wrong way to teach me about love....that's what I remember. And thats what I found myself always searching for....that one true love. Because wasn't that the message in most of them? Finding your one true love.

But we all know the real truth about love. Love stinks sometimes. It is all about responsibility, commitments, and scrutinizing over the bank statements. Kind of takes that whole romance factor out of the equation. Don't get me wrong, it's not like that all the time, some days are so fun and filled with love and kisses and little stolen moments across the room at a party. But it is definitely not like the movies. Its hard to have that sexy time with your partner when you're in your finest jogging pants with bleach stains on your t-shirt from scrubbing out the tub, a baby screaming for her supper, and laundry piled up on the couch waiting to be folded.

Twilight movies, or ANY teeny-bopper romance movie just takes me back to the simple times. When my grade 9 boyfriend and I would make out in the woods....lol...(yes mum you read that correctly.) And when nothing mattered more than getting your permed hair just right with the Aussie Sprunch spray to make those bangs perfect and large! Your scrunch socks had to match your shirt (sometimes layered with a few pairs)and your jeans were pinched and tucked into the socks. And dont forget the matching scrunchie for your hair if you had gym class that day!! Life was simple back then. Some of the best movies for teen romance were from that time, The Lost Boys, Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club, Dirty Dancing, License to Drive, Anything for Love, St. Elmos fire...they all made me who I am today I swear!

So I say go on with your bad self Twilight fans....dream it and enjoy it. And in 20 years when you are my age you'll look back on how Team Jacob or Team Edward consumed your innocent little life. And how you just KNEW it one day you would meet Rob Pattinson and he would be yours!!!

I will always love movies, but as for which team i'm on Team Jacob or Team Edward.....I am 100% Team True Blood.....this mama likes the sexy older, blood sucking vampires!!! lol. Team Jacob could get me prison time...16 will get me 20, isn't that the expression! :)

Positive words

So today I learned something new! That always makes for a great day, I think! I was talking with a lady from the Child Development Center, who comes every two weeks to do speech therapy and fine motor skills work, with my daughter. She has taught us sign language, and just useful different ways to teach my child the simple things that she's struggling with. Like using a spoon, sipping from a cup, stacking blocks on each other all the fine motor skills. She is having great success with all the extra help from our new friend and she's mastering holding a crayon, using a spoon, trying her cups to drink from. Its been so fun to see her achieve little milestones that alot of other parents take for granted that their kids pick up really fast. And she's so proud of her little self too!

But today was a special day for us. It all started when my daughter was playing with her new friend and the lady asked her to pass her a certain toy, and my daughter threw it at her head, with alot of anger. I wasn't really surprised because its something thats been happening alot around here....everything gets thrown at our heads when we ask for it. So as a mom, my first response is to say "Don't throw that". And my friend was telling me that I should try a different approach. (anyone who knows me as a mommy knows i'm always up for advice on things that could help out! I am learning here!) She says that everytime I say "Don't touch, or Don't throw", in her little 21 month old brain, she's hearing Throw, Touch, and the "don't" part of it, just tells her little head that mommy is upset with me. So she suggested that I change how I say things to the positive. Instead of Don't throw, she says to say, "We pass toys gently", or just plain old "Give it to me" (in a nice voice of course!) She said when she had a daycare years ago, she learned quickly that when the kids were all running around and she would hollar "stop running" they heard running, and nothing ever changed. So she changed the words to "we walk in this house" and she said almost instantly they would calm down and stop running.

And it got me really thinking...how can I put this positive spin on my everyday life, not just to my child. And it got me thinking of my relationship with my fiance, and my parents and sibling and other family, co-workers, even clients. That in everyday scenario's I think alot of us use negative words, instead of positive words, without even realizing the damage we are doing to our souls. How many times have I looked in the mirror and said "Gosh i'm so fat", "oh these pants are too tight because my butt is so huge". I dont remember looking into the mirror and saying "hey hot stuff, you look amazing today" hahaha, ok i dont have to go that far but you catch my drift!

Life is all about how we make it. And when bad days happen, and trust me, they will happen to us. How do you approach the situation? Is your glass half empty, or half full? Try going one day correcting yourself on how many times you say something in the negative spin without even realizing you are doing it. Try a "yes" day where all day long you let your child do whatever they want, eat whatever they want (within healthy reason of course) and stop yourself from saying "don't" so often. I tried it today and I had to bite my tongue so many times! I had no idea how often I'm telling her not to touch something....just because it bothered me. Not because it was actually dangerous. I mean if she changes the channel on the tv on me, is life really going to halt to a stop?

I challange you all to try it. At my work I'm in the beauty industry, and all day I have clients asking "would this style look good on me?" and its up to us to spin it around so that they leave feeling incredible. Instead of saying "well you dont really have that kind of hair like the picture", maybe suggest we do a similar style thats a little more customized for your face shape and for the amount of time you are willing to put into styling it everyday. That sounds alot better than "no you dont have thick enough hair for that".

I really think by putting a positive spin on everything you say, will make your life happier. And it will be alot easier to handle the bumps in the road.

Life is beautiful....say yes!!!!

"me" gifts

I received some birthday money this year, and honestly....I'm just not sure what to do with it! It's not that I don't need the cash, cash is always needed! I'm just having such a hard time spending it on me, and only me. Before baby I had no problem buying what I wanted. Now since I've had her, I feel guilty buying myself something and not her. I'm actually sitting here thinking, maybe I could just buy a piece of jewelry that reminds me of her! Why is it so hard for me to just go to the store and pick out something cute!

I really need summer clothes or I'd love a micro planer that you zest lemons on! Or how about cute new sandals, since warmer weather is coming! I know I'd love an iPod since mine broke, or I would love the Sookie Stackhouse book series (that I thought I was getting). How about a food processor...ohhh I'd love one of those! Or a waffle maker, or a tattoo, or a whack of new fun makeup! The ideas are endless...really I could think of 12 more I'm sure. But on the other hand I keep thinking, well she needs new jammies and another new wide brimmed summer hat. I'd love to buy her a few new toys or a few casual dresses.

Maybe that's what being a mommy really means....that I would give her my very last cent just to see her smile or just to fulfill her needs. But a good mommy is also a happy mommy and this mommy needs to enjoy this gift and indulge a little. :)

Maybe there's nothing wrong with buying myself a new ring....with her birthstone in it! She is the love of my life, and I would be ok with looking down at my hands and seeing the ring that my fiance gave me because of his love, and the other hand the ring I buy representing how his love to me....gave me her. xoxoxo

The Cake

So this past weekend was my 35th Birthday! And the only thing I REALLY asked for was this delicious cake from a bakery here on the main street. Its called the lululemon cake and it really is one of the yummiest cake I've ever had. So of course I snapped a photo! And yes, it was exactly what I wanted. It was good!

I feel like I got really spoiled this year. Thanks to my friends and family! My fiance bought me a Tassimo coffee maker! LOVE IT! I've had a latte almost everyday and its tasty!! My girlfriend found out I got that so she gave me a new awesome travel mug to use with it.....very thoughtful!!! My daughter got me 3 new DS mind games...I love all the Brain Age type games, so I've been having fun challenging my mind with those. (and I got Battleship...who doesn't love that game!!!) I got some moolah...can't wait to spend that, I have ideas....I'll tell you later what I end up getting. My parents made me the most touching, heartfelt gift. However I can't tell you YET what is was for a week or so...you'll understand why later when I tell you. But it made me cry, the good cry, it was so awesome, and I love my parents so much for doing this for me...and someone else ;). the suspense will kill you!!! heeheehee. But I don't want to spoil the surprise for someone else who may be reading this! Trust me I'll fill you in sometime next week, when I know I'm allowed too! :) My fiance's mother is flying in from Ontario tomorrow and she wants to take me shopping for a gift, can't wait! Hmmm home decor or clothes....decisions, decisions! So all in all it was a fantastic weekend!

Today I am going for lunch with my family, and a little shopping and just going to enjoy my day!

change is good

So today was the day I decided that enough is enough. I am turning 35 in 1 week exactly, and I'm sick of this body. I know, I know, we all hate something about ourselves, but honestly I'm so tired of complaining about it! Being overweight and thinking about it and how unhappy it makes me, probably takes up 85% of my daily thoughts. Seriously! So I am finally ready for change. Lifestyle change, eating change, and attitude change!

I think that is the hardest part about starting a diet. Its not the food choices, its the mental choice we all make that enough is enough. I have battled this bulge for my entire adult life. Back in my early 20's I was curvy lets say, but of course I thought I was HUGE, even though I'd secretly kill to look like that now! Then my late 20's I was oh Gawd, this is looking bad...I really should do something, then my early 30's were OK one day soon I will, I promise. Well the time has come. I am almost 35 and I refuse to let the next 15 years of my adult life be consumed with this horrible feeling I have about my own body image.

On January 1st of this year I gave up pop. I was drinking about 2-3 cans a day, everyday, and I had enough so I quit cold turkey. It last 45 days. On day 46 I had a diet pop and I felt like crap when it was done. I had been talking with an old friend from high school, who recently changed her life and lost lots of weight and blogs herself about the struggles and her exercise program etc. And when she heard I was quitting pop she gave me the happiest emails of encouragement, and I really felt so good inside that I was doing her proud! Someone out there who understands the struggle with excess weight was supportive of me. And I have to say on day 46 I felt like a piece of poo. I gave in to the temptation that is going to kill me early. And everyday since day 45 I have felt guilty.

So this morning another great friend and myself dragged ourselves to my dining room where I have my WW scale all set up and we weighed in. Together we are making this commitment that we are DONE being sad and unhappy with our bodies, and we want to live active healthy lives with our children. She got to see my weight and I have NEVER told anyone the number. Even when I was pregnant I weighed myself and told my midwife in a soft whisper every month, and towards the end I asked her....do you really have to know? She understood my embarrassment and said its OK, you don't have to tell me. She was my new bestie in my secret poundage club!!! Of course at the hospital I had to have an epidural and I'm pretty sure they asked me my weight to give me the correct dose, I only hope I wrote it down instead of blurting it out so everyone else in the room didn't know. I honestly cant remember. But c'mon now...who am I fooling? We all watch the Biggest Loser, I'm sure people can take wild guesses and come close, but I don't care, my friend and I will take it to our graves!!!

So tomorrow morning is Day 1 of the new me. No more pop again, no more Easter candies, no more bags of chippies. We are 2 ladies with alot of common sense though, so we know we need attainable rewards or else we'll cave. So at every 5-10% of our weight that we lose we will celebrate with a spa day, or a new shirt, a trip to the casino with 40 bucks, something like that. But NOT WITH JUNK FOODS!! There will be no Hot Chocolates gorgeous yummy lemon cake with butter cream icing for every 10 lbs I lose...that's defeating the purpose! But if its someone's birthday and I feel like a tiny sliver of cake, I'm going to do it. I still want to live my life and enjoy parties and fun events, just all in moderation.

And I think that just might be the key for me to losing all the weight. I have to try to learn how to live my life still and not be consumed by the word "diet". I really have to get it through my head that its a lifestyle choice I'm making. Do i want to be fat, unhappy and miserable. Or do I want to be healthy, and sexy and excited about life again?

In 2 weeks my baby starts swimming lessons, she will be a Duck, so that means I have to go in the pool with her. Twice a week, for 5 long weeks...oh and did I mention that my brother-in-law is the instructor? He gets to see me, in all my womanliness, in a bathing suit. Now if that's not motivation for putting down the junk food I don't know what is!!

Wish me luck!!

My Sounds of Music

When I first had my daughter, after the first week her daddy had to go back to work, and I was left all alone with this new baby. And I found myself sitting there, holding her, trying to nurse, not having luck with that, but also I noticed that I dont think I talked to her that first week alone. My mum told me start singing to her or talking to her, but I felt silly...since i had ZERO experience with babies. I was lost, overtired and had no clue what I was doing. But I soon found out that I also did not know any children or baby lullaby's. So that first month I sang Britney Spears, Aerosmith, Christina Aguilara, any top 40 song off the radio or CMT that I knew and thus began my singing adventure with my new bundle of joy.

As the months progressed I joined a Mother Goose program for children to teach the moms and dads fun songs for children.....between you and me I think she preferred the Aerosmith songs, but who wouldn't!!....So after weeks for learning and perfecting all the hand movements and actions, it became a daily routine. When she was getting a bath, we sang "i had a little turtle, his name was tiny tim..." when I changed her bum it was " Zoom, Zoom, Zoom" or "How much is that doggie in the window". And when she didn't feel well she loves her grandmother's Von Trapp family "death" song as I call it, "oh they built the ship Titanic, and sailed the ocean blue, and they thought that the water would never go through, But the Good Lord raised his hand and said this ship will never land, it was sad when the great ship went down, to the bottom of the sea, yeah it was sad when the great ship went down, Ker-plunk it sunk like junk!" yes its a horrible song but my daughter lights up everytime we sing it. And by "we" yes I mean her father and I together, it is a duet with parts! lol Like I said...a Von Trapp family classic! hahaha

But now I find myself stuck singing. When he eats she is a big girl now and doesn't want us to feed her anymore, but she still needs help eating her oatmeal with fruit sauce every morning. She LOVES her cereal, she even signs for it every morning. (we taught her sign language which is so helpful) But we have come to a point in the road where she screams and throws a fit if I try to feed her...UNLESS I sing that famous Sound of Music song, "Doh a deer". I sing it over and over about 6 times is what it takes to get that bowl of cereal in her! But I'm almost wondering why that song? Of all the songs, and there's been hundreds I swear, why that particular song.

Backtrack a little to 6 years ago when I met my baby daddy, he mentioned to me on one of our dates that his fave movie of all time was the Sound of Music. I laughed so hard at him, and that was the first time I also learned just how sensitive he was. Oops my bad! But could that song be genetically programmed into her DNA because her daddy loves that musical so much he even knows the words to every song? Of course he will be mad that I'm telling you all this, but who cares its a good movie! I think all women will agree with me ;) But I'm not kidding it is the ONLY thing I can sing to her to get her to eat her cereal. And for how long do I have to sing that song? I try to change it up a little and sing something else and she cries and pushes the cereal away. It does make it difficult for my mum who babysits her sometimes, apparently she doesn't sing it the same way and my child wont eat cereal for her.

So is it the song + cereal combo? Or is it just mommy/baby time that I've always done with her that makes it special to her? I love our song moments, even though I've been told by her daddy that I should really stop singing or she'll think the song is supposed to sound that bad. All I care about is that my daughter thinks I'm the best singer she's ever heard! She loves my songs and all the actions and sillyness I put into every single one.

But will she be 15 and i'll still be singing Sound of Music songs? I guess there could be worse things in life...